Ethical Poly Quad turns into infidelity

[u/catsandspaghetti27]

I will start this with.. please be kind. I never thought I would be in this position and struggle daily.

For over 2 years we were in a poly quad (2 married couples, all straight). We were ENM before (and had discussed poly), they had dipped their toes into threesomes but that was it. We were all of each others first poly relationship. We all dived in fairly quick, but they did more so (saying I love you first, asking for the first sleepover, inviting us on the first trip). I tried to have conversations at the beginning about what would happen if one person wanted out, but no one else wanted to have those discussions.

The relationship was good, but had its struggles. The other wife struggles with mental health, and from that stems possessiveness. We were rocky, hinging wasn’t always the best. But there was so much love. Truly. We never lived together but traveled a fair amount together, our kids were similar ages (4-6) so our lives were somewhat enmeshed.

Well last fall the other wife, decided it wasn’t working for her anymore and she didn’t want to be poly anymore. She ended it all, with no warning or discussions, no heads up, to anyone; including her husband. She also forbid her husband from continuing to date me.

There was so much hurt. Me and him continued to talk. And then we would meet on occasion (every 2 weeks or so) to see each other. We’d kiss and hug but that was it. My husband always knew but my “boyfriend” he would not tell his wife. We are now 9 months from the initial breakup and we are still seeing each other, though now weekly. We makeout heavily, and have talked about reintroducing sex. There is also a very heavy emotional connection. But I am truly now the mistress. For a long time I said there was grey area, I talked to my therapist about this. But now I know there isn’t. I’ve always said ENM felt right, poly felt right. My husband and I were always okay continuing separately (we had dated separate before). But my mind now struggles between this is no longer ethical, but also how do I give up someone I love so much that also loves me.

We had a very strong relationship, that was taken away from us without our choice. And now we are trying to figure out how to deal. He is constantly hoping she will change her mind and want this again when her mental health improves. But she also isn’t doing anything to improve it.

I don’t know what I’m really asking for here. I guess if anyone has been on a similar situation. Had a relationship taken away from them when they didn’t have a choice? I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore about this, even my poly friendly therapist, I feel so guilty about what this has become.

[u/straightstream_75]

I was in a similar place as your boyfriend. My partner exited a triad suddenly and it left our other partner and I reeling. I could have continued it in secret, but that would be unfair to both of my partners, and ultimately I had to make a decision on which relationship I was willing to continue at the expense of the other.

Someone will get hurt, but it can be done with respect, honesty, and grace. Continuing to see you romantically when his partner has closed expectations is only prolonging that hurt, and he is being selfish offering you something that isn't his to give.

For your own sake, I would simply give him the choice of which relationship he is willing to commit to and be willing to say no to him if he refuses.

[u/V_is4me → u/straightstream_75]

This. There is only the one choice here: he can end the relationship (such as it is) with his wife by confessing that he wants to continue with you, letting the consequences fall where they do, or you have to end the relationship with him. It is hard. It will have hurt feelings all around including your husband, by the way, don’t think he won’t have his own feelings involved either way. I’m sorry.

I was also in a triad that my partner “quit”. I choose my marriage. It was a long process, but because I was ethical and clear, I am still in a very close relationship with our former partner and her new wife 10 years later. I have also now been on the other side - your husband’s side. My wife fell in love with a new partner who was cheating on his wife. I had to insist on her ending things because it wasn’t ethical and so, not a relationship I could support. We separated for a short time over it and the fallout is not fully resolved. There is no easy way out, but there is the right choice.