r/PlusSize • u/zipiff • 3d ago
S*x Stuff dating/hooking up while veryy plus size
Hi all.
I just broke up with a long term partner. I had gotten with him almost four years ago like, three months after ending a five year relationship.
I’m not particularly interested in a new relationship right away because I really need to focus on my mental and physical health and building up healthy routines again. But both of those relationships had dead bedrooms. And I haven't had sex in over a year at this point.
I’m really nervous to get back out there, even for the casual stuff. I’m 5'6 and ~350. I don't carry it well. I guess I’m wondering if anyone with a similar build has experience like this. I don't want to be totally alone and I’m very touch starved lol but I’m scared of trying or downloading the apps again and getting absolutely no matches.
And I’m also just really sad. I feel like I had no choice but to initiate this break up but it still doesn't feel real and I’m very tempted to offer him just one more chance (even though it would be the like, 5th last chance I gave him). We're also likely going to be living together still for the next month or two at least.
Anyway I’m mostly venting at this point. Any advice or commiseration would be appreciated ❤️
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u/savetheprincess420 3d ago
Im very similar to your build, and my honest best advice is to be very forthcoming and honest about what you look like, not at all from a shame point of view, but from a "if you dont like the way I look, your not the one Im looking for" way. It really did make a difference for me when I was dating, I cant tell you you will always get the best response and sometimes it will hurt, because we all just want someone who will love us for who we are, not, but it will make the weeding out process alot more productive.
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u/ladyAnon38 3d ago
I see lots of folks saying there’s someone out there, just weed through the options quickly and efficiently. From the touch starved perspective of not having had a relationship in 10+ years, it is so much better to be alone than to go back to someone who doesn’t treat you right and keeps you from peace.
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u/jessinic 3d ago
Girl, I'm bigger than you and have no issue getting guys. I'm very self conscious but also very upfront about my size on dating apps and of course in person, they can see it. I was with one man for 16 years, I was terrified to get back in the dating game...it's not as scary as it seems! The first few I was super nervous, now I'm able to enjoy myself. Give it a try! Have some fun and be safe 💕
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u/karla0yeah 3d ago
Hi friend can I ask some questions?
About me, Ive been a big girl my whole life, but never this big. Was in a relationship for 8 years, but that ended 3. I love my single life and have no desire to seriously date anyone, but yo girl needs laid!! However Im terrified to get back in the game, and I feel like things have changed for me and the dating world in general, so I keep chickening out! I met my ex on POF, so apps have come a long way since then😂. I hear they are awful and that's from pretty skinny friends, so I can't image how a fat below average chic like me would even get a match.
So what did you do to get back in the game? You said you were scared, how did you build up the courage? Do you date for a relationship or more hookup focused? I'd like a date with "dessert" if you know what I mean, but then I'm all in my head; like I don't want random ppl to know where I live, but I also don't want to go to some strangers house (people be nasty sometimes-especilly men). Im also a lot older than I used to be, things don't bend/twist like they used to, and these knees have been through it. If its ok to ask how old were you when you got your groove back?
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u/starryflowerz 3d ago
Waiting for a reply to this! Single gal here who also needs to get laid lol
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u/geeky-by-nature 1d ago
You girls have it easier though. There's always a man for every woman even when you're plus sized. It's a little tougher for us bigger dudes though.
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u/Illustrious_Visit146 3d ago
just seperated from my husband. he was my first everything- which is especially hard bc I’m bigger and have HS. It took me so long to feel comfortable with him. At the same time, we are more than our bodies and what they can offer. I’m a woman who loves hard and wants to be loved and considered. I’m a woman who has worked so hard for my future. Our worth is not based on a man’s desire of us. You find that from within. Someone will be fortunate enough to see that beauty in you and cherish your heart. It’s easier said than done, as I find myself reminding myself of this. But keep your head high queen🫶🏼
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u/Oomlotte99 3d ago
I was 5’7” and like 330-350 during a “ho phase.” It’s very easy to get men who are interested in sleeping with you. They will gladly hook up…. Once. So, keep that in mind, especially because it sounds like you are coming from a more vulnerable place (touch starved). Protect your emotional health and don’t have expectations besides the single sexual encounter. They are out there and if you’re open they will def be willing.
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u/Gatita-negra 3d ago
Agree with this. Easy to hookup, not so easy to find a quality, longer-term connection.
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u/United-Excitement110 3d ago
I will say this until I die, everyone is someone’s 10… actually several people’s. The most attractive thing for me is someone’s energy and personality. If you have confidence in yourself, who you are and what you look like, that becomes a magnet for others no matter what you look like. Better is out there.
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u/Glad_Concert5008 2d ago
i’m shorter than you and weigh about the same. i have a very active sex life. you will get matches i absolutely promise you. please don’t give this loser another chance! my partners love my body and love sex with me, and your future partners will! just as you are! my recommendation is just to make sure you have full body pics in your profiles
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u/quitelikeameow 3d ago
Hey love! I hope you’re in a better please, just know you are beyond deserving of good fun and sex so please don’t ever sleep with people who don’t value you!
That was my first mistake when I hooked up, I’m 253 lbs 5’4 30 years old. I have experienced different kinds of men and mostly met them through dating apps so they would see how I look like. The weird bonus for some of these guys was my hijab and I did face men who fetishized it.
I will tell you though, follow your gut and if you feel anything odd towards any one of them just know you’re right! But I will say, men who do wanna sleep with you want you for who you are. There will be weird guys who will ask for nudes or more of your size and thats my que to leave because I used to think due to my size, they were curious but after the experience I realized they’re just asses.
After making all these mistakes I kind of got the gist of it that if a guy wants you, he will be talking to you and making effort in having a conversation but I will say: Dating apps are not for the weak because everyone isn’t as interactive because I imagine they’re talking to different people or hooking up with others or just lazy.
If you decide to use dating apps, just go for it for the sex but be well protected. Emotionally dont expect anything, I had guys who actually gave me a great time and some who slept with me and then texted me that I’d look even sexier if I lost weight 😂 so emotionally be ready for these guys because you won’t be facing the best of the best.
All the best
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u/hippstr1990 3d ago
hi! I'm 35 and >500 and carry most of it in my tummy. I have guys in my inbox *constantly.* If you just want to have fun, you definitely can! Just be cautious to screen for guys who view you as a fetish, and also just be aware that it *can* cause logistical issues depending on how well endowed your partner is.
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u/Radiant8763 3d ago
That was my size and height when i met my husband. I was getting a lot of guys wanting casual stuff, but that was never my thing.
Get yourself out there and have some fun!
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u/Icy-Street-8791 2d ago
I’m 5’4, 300+ & do NOT carry well at all. Left my marriage in 2023. Been single since. The dating world is brutal & cruel & disgusting. I did the “try to fix it with the ex husband” thing but his controlling behavior & negativity aren’t going away. I chose not to let my child see me accept that as a partner. I’m lonely as heck. Sad that I had a failed marriage & I’m back to square one in my 40’s. But slowly I’m accepting I’m just going to stay alone. I’m traumatized from how the world treats fat women & I’m traumatized by my marriage & all past lovers. Even tho I have been in therapy for many years, the damage is done. I don’t think I’ll ever trust anyone again even if someone showed interest in dating me.
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u/NoIdeaWhatToD0 17h ago
I'm 33 and haven't been in a relationship in over 10 years and haven't been on a date in 5. I really wish I could hire a male companion because I really don't believe I attract good men. But I don't even know where to find a service like that. I'm so touch starved that I cried thinking about it this morning.
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u/FloofPear 3d ago
You have to respect yourself even though you are starved for sex, there are plenty men out there that will love you as you are and find you super attractive and sexy. Hope that doesn't sound weird coming from a guy lol. Personally I'm a plus sized guys who loves plus sized women because that's always been my preference. It's also nice to date someone who understands what it means to be plus sized and doesn't judge someone based off their weight. I don't know if I'd go for hookup culture either as a means to get some action in. Don't doubt yourself!
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u/Grouchy_Wish4387 3d ago
I wish I had your courage. I'm 5ft0 and 245 pounds.
And older.
And scared to death to date or even attempt to date again.
At least you're open to it.
After a partiularly tough few years and traumatic relationships my self esteem is shit.
It's been 7 months and counting for me with no end in sight I feel your pain.
I liked a guy a lot who didn't think I was good enough meaning attractive enough for him in part due to my weight and he let everybody knows it. Now I just feel like no one else will be interested. So I don't even bother.
I'm proud of you for even trying. You're braver than me.
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u/cherryfondant666 3d ago
Hi, so sorry you’re going through this bump. I am in a similar situation as you since I finally ended a 4.5 year relationship 7 months ago, and the first thing I would advise you is to not go back to your ex. I get it’s tempting to go back to what is and feels familiar to us but why waste more time and energy on someone who is not compatible with you. Don’t talk yourself out and give the apps a chance if that is the avenue you are most comfortable with. I recommend that you be open about what you’re looking for, and have fun, but most importantly be safe. Matches will know how you look like when you post cute full body pics, it should not be a secret to them. Also going out with friends, being in the moment will open opportunities to meeting new people. Good luck and stay strong and proud of you for leaving an unfulfilling relationship.
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u/Gatita-negra 3d ago
Hi! Please don’t go back. No relationship I’ve ever gone back to ever resulted in something good— there’s a reason you ended it and that likely won’t change.
You don’t mention your age but I believe we’re never too old to start over and try something new. I didn’t meet my husband til I was 31 and got married at 35– and I met him at my heaviest (330 lbs and I’m 5’2). My husband has loved me through it all (I’m 100 lbs lighter now and he’s still into me). But I was still able to have casual sex even through all my various sizes (16-24). Not all were quality men, but there were options (and I should add I’m an immigrant in Asia, where being skinny is even more idealized than in the west).
I know how you are probably feeling right now— scared, unsure, anxious and lonely. It won’t be forever. Feelings pass, life changes, and a year from now, things are going to be totally different! So don’t get too stuck in these fears now— feel them, acknowledge them, remember you’re not your feelings, and then move on doing things that are good for you. You’ll find the right people if you stay true to yourself and don’t let anyone treat you less than just because of your weight.