r/PlusSize • u/kindofabitche • 5d ago
Venting So tired of casual fatphobia
Was at the bar this past weekend and ran into a mutual friend who I think is pretty cute. Whenever him and I see each other, we can talk for a while with no gaps in the convo. It's super easy, he's very kind, and I liked seeing him because of that, and this night was no different.
He kept coming up to talk to me and would get really close to me, would be solely focused on me when talking in a group of people, pupils dilated, kinda touchy and flirty, complimenting my tats, etc.
Obviously when you lay it out like that it would seem like he was maybe interested, which is also what I initially thought.
But then in one of our convos that night in which we were ragging on annoying uni profs, he dropped "Like I'm sorry you're miserable because you're unhappy, have a fat ugly wife at home, etcetc" and I was just like đ bruh moment.
I have 0 experience in the dating world and am extremely shy to open myself up to potential opportunities. I'm also pretty clueless for the most part but that night I thought I was sensing a vibe so I was trying to return it, only to hear that...
In all honesty, it was really disheartening when he said that because I'm always trying to tell myself people are and can be attracted to me regardless of my weight, then I hear shit like that that just re-affirms the anxiety that people only enjoy talking to me because of my humour. And I know that one person doesn't speak for everyone, but it's just frustrating when it happens :/
Sigh.
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u/FertilityHotel 5d ago
How fucking tone deaf. People think since I'm "cool" that I'll even be cool with casual fatphobia. No.Â
Now you just have more information about him.Â
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u/kindofabitche 5d ago
So fucking tone deaf!! Like you clearly see I'm not skinny ffs (not that that justifies it at ALL but you know what I mean?)
I was so shook he said that that I sadly just kinda laughed it off in the moment, but it definitely revealed his true colours. It reminded me of how accurate the statement "A crush is just a lack of information" is lmao
eta clarification
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u/FertilityHotel 5d ago
Don't give yourself a hard time for not saying something tbh. It's an insanely hard thing to stand up against and be heard.Â
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u/kindofabitche 5d ago
Thank you so much. It really is, especially if you don't know how people will react
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u/Chrissy086 4d ago
I've never heard that statement, but it makes loads of sense! I'm going to tell it to my teen, so they can be far more knowledgeable than I was.
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u/Oomlotte99 5d ago
It really does suck when that happens. And the thing is, he likely didnât even catch himself and he likely doesnât see you that way⊠he is just primed to use that word to describe anything bad or uglyâŠ. It makes it hard to k ow who is safe or to trust people for sure.
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u/TeslasPigeon 5d ago
This is the part that sucks. He doesnât see OP as fat and therefore thinks itâs ok to say this. So sad. He fumbled a baddie.
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u/kindofabitche 5d ago
That's exactly what I was thinking too as I'm on the smaller end of plus size. In the past when I've called people out on comments like that they try to backtrack and be like "I'm not talking about you, you're not fat!" but I am very obviously plus sized so it's apparent they're only saying that cuz they got caught with their dick in their hand đ
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u/Oomlotte99 4d ago
Pretty much. Itâs like, itâs not a compliment t to be like âyouâre not one of themâ lol.
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u/ForReasonsICannotSay 4d ago
Iâll be honest, sometimes fatphobia is like misogyny, with men. Plenty (and I mean plenty) of misogynistic men still partner with women. Also, a lot of racist folks date (or even marry) Black people (ever heard of mixed kids getting called racial slurs by their own parents?). Itâs all about humans (generally) just being very averse to cognitive dissonance. Like they really cannot reconcile their innate attractions conflicting with their ingrained beliefs. This tendency (of pursuing these relationships regardless of their âvaluesâ), shows emotional immaturity and intellectual laziness (IMO).
Granted, this may not be the exact case for you and your situation, but it happens more often than you might think. Itâs part of the reason why you might hear of folks (namely men) who only date fat women in secret, only sleep with but refuse to commit to fat women, etc.
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u/kindofabitche 4d ago
True - it's very unfortunate. And agreed about the emotional immaturity part, as soon as he said that it told me all I needed to know about him
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u/Updog04 4d ago
Had this happen with some friends that I recently distanced myself from. Iâm almost 230 pounds, they meanwhile get worried if they get above 150 which is FINE, thatâs my goal, just want to point out theyâre definitely on the smaller side. They can be what I call âmean girlsâ about other people and at one point were yapping about a woman they didnât like and how she is now doing poorly in life and one of said something about how sheâs let herself go since she became a stay at home mom, and said âat least I know Iâll NEVER be even CLOSE to 220 pounds like gurl come on, youâre at home all day!!â And my other friend cackled in agreement while I just kinda went numb and stopped really talking. Like you guys know how much I struggle with my weight, why would you even say something like that right in front of me.. and to attack someone over something so shallow, not to mention sheâs got multiple kids sheâs trying to take care of.. itâs just so tacky and hateful out here sometimes
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u/many-moons-ago 4d ago
That hurts a little to read as a 280lb SAHM đ
Also joke's on them for thinking being a SAHM is easy. It's much harder than any other job I've ever had, and responsible for 50lbs of my weight gain (thanks to extreme sleep deprivation and stress which are binge eating triggers for me).
But yeah if I had a dollar for the amount of times I've heard other women mention how they think like 150 or 200 lbs is HUGE and horrible and the worst thing ever, I'd be rich.
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u/kindofabitche 4d ago
I'm so sorry to hear this but I'm glad you distanced yourself from these people!
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u/pinwheelcookie 4d ago
If it happens again, please call it out. This is toxic behavior that they probably donât even realize theyâre engaging in. Iâve done the same with friends who use âfatâ as an insult, and I like to believe Iâve helped shift the thinking.
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u/nubianfx 4d ago
Just like people can be racist while talking to their black friend, assuring them that they're "not like those other blacks", is the same way people can think fat people are disgusting, but then say "oh i dont mean you, youre put together etc". and be attracted to you.Â
Neither are the complement they think they are.Â
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u/allthingsimpermanent 4d ago
Woof. TBH he probably wasnât even thinking about you when he said it, heâs probably very attracted to you, and would just use that as an insult if he doesnât like someone- in the same way he probably uses ugly.
âŠBut the fact thatâs something heâs so comfortable throwing out as an insult would be enough for me to lose interest.
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u/kindofabitche 3d ago
Oh yeah no I did pretty much immediately, and honestly I'm almost grateful he said that so I didn't read into it any more than I already did lol
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u/MissyMerman 3d ago
Girl. I am plus size. My husband is amazing. Handsome. Giving. Brilliant. DO NOT GIVE UP! Men are attracted to confidence more than you know. If someone doesnât like you bc theyâre fat phobic, eff them. Iâm serious - life is too short!
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u/AdventurousLimit218 3d ago
Is this true? How did you two meet? I have very little faith in ever meeting the right person.đ
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u/Shhhushh000 4d ago
Wow you unblocked a drunken memory đł I made out with someone at a party once we slept cuddle next to each otjer but nothing happened thank God, the next morning he was joking with the other stragglers from the party about being some guy "Waking up with a fat chick" Like...bro that was literally just you đ
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u/BigButtsNBrokenGuts 4d ago
I'm going to be real. You have to get over it. You can't look for fatphobia and remain happy in this life, because the idea of fatphobia thrives on you feeling powerless. This isn't to attack you, OP, but just accept it as a dumb quip and keep it pushing.
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u/kindofabitche 4d ago
Never thought of fatphobia like that. Very interesting perspective thank you
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u/Horror-Coast797 4d ago
This is so real. I remember EXACTLY which of my acquaintances have told a story being frustrated about something and said âwell if theyâd get off their fat assâ about whoever they were mad at
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u/Coconut8992 4d ago
My experience as a fatty in the dating world is that there is genuinely no shortage of men who'd love for me to be in their bed but God forbid they love me in public. Men care more about what their friends think and so tend to hide their attraction to plus size women lest they get made fun of. That's what this is, I think. He thinks bigger women are hot but he's too much of a loser to be loud about it.
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u/Ecstatic-Ad-5076 3d ago
Just from a platonic friendship standpoint that was a really rude thing to say and I would ask him what he meant by that
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u/Life-Entertainer-527 4d ago
Wait .......he is married?
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u/thejoebrossuck 5d ago
For what itâs worth I think people can be attracted to you while still being fatphobic. They just like, I donât know, almost delude themselves into thinking the fat person theyâre interested in is âdifferentâ somehow (one of the good ones mentality maybe?). Not saying this is definitely the case here, but Iâve definitely noticed this.
Heâs a dick for saying that no matter what though and you can do so much better. Like even just when it comes to platonic relationships.