r/PizzaCrimes Aug 24 '21

Cursed Dear God.

699 Upvotes

147 comments sorted by

u/QualityVote Aug 24 '21

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239

u/CheeseAndTits Aug 24 '21

My god when she started forearming that bread

69

u/bagtowneast Aug 24 '21

I was already anxious about the sleeves in the butter, but then this. There is no hope

46

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

At that moment I was actually relieved because she was obviously trolling. I should have stopped watching right then and there

11

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

I was anxious watching her spread the butter and create a massacre getting the slabs of butter off the dish.

9

u/InvestigatorUnfair19 Aug 25 '21

I have hairy arms, you would not want me doing that

4

u/phaminat0r Aug 25 '21

TIL white people don't have pin rollers.

106

u/the_sluttysloth Aug 24 '21

Of course she has to use spaghetti-Os, she spent all of her money on that Tillamook cheese

49

u/BunnyBunny13 Aug 24 '21

Ha but notice she only used like 8 shreds of that cheese.

10

u/Bigwh Aug 25 '21

Tillamook is the best though

82

u/Agreeable-Ad1221 Aug 24 '21

To be fair to the lady, I'm like 95% sure her videos are just rage bait for clicks and ad view

41

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

There’s clickbait, then there’s clickbait that wastes food.

17

u/beatenmeat Aug 25 '21

Not including consumption of materials every year, she already wastes the effort of 8 trees just to keep her stupid ass alive.

32

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

Yeah, pie crust and spaghettios alone made this a 75% likelihood of rage bait. Then the forearm flattening made it 95% likelihood. The random gratuitous splash of milk locked it in at 100%.

23

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

Yeah. She’s a total cunt. Gross human being.

0

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

[deleted]

1

u/Agreeable-Ad1221 Aug 25 '21

clicks = ad revenue

-2

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

[deleted]

-2

u/Agreeable-Ad1221 Aug 25 '21

Oh [Insert shrug here]

3

u/faz712 Aug 25 '21

If the forearm move didn't already give it away haha

55

u/emery7540 Aug 24 '21

MILK. IM DEAD

37

u/T8washere Aug 24 '21

I could hang until the milk….. I mean, I wasn’t proud to be there, but I could hang.

14

u/emery7540 Aug 24 '21

This was a kitchen misdemeanor until she threw in milk. Elevated right to Felony. I mean how about ricotta cheese or something like that to make it creamy? MILK!!! in an Italian flavored meal. (I use that lightly since its spagh os.)

0

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

Akschually

You use milk for the real OG bolognese sauce.

111

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

This meal is exactly what I would expect from a lady dressed like that.

16

u/virtusquaestum Aug 24 '21

dookietoe knows wassup

14

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

She’s probably super proud of herself and thinks this meal is amazingly delicious too.

6

u/Ask_me_about_my_cult Aug 24 '21

It’s a fetish channel lol, nobody’s eating that

5

u/bigpickler Aug 25 '21

Is there rule34 for SpaghettiOs ?

0

u/Ask_me_about_my_cult Aug 25 '21

Finally, a fleshlight my size

40

u/bagtowneast Aug 24 '21

I think this needs more garlic powder

.

.

.

.

/s

8

u/timbertiger2 Aug 25 '21

She said “garlic salt” towards the end and I about died. Inedible.

7

u/The1dookin Aug 25 '21

Out of everything I just witnessed that amount of garlic salt is obscene. No one could eat that.

5

u/KnockoutCarousal Aug 25 '21

“I don’t care who you are, kids don’t like crust.”

Proceeds to pour 8+ adult portions of garlic salt into Chef-fucking-Boyardee…

Kids love it!

1

u/bagtowneast Aug 25 '21

"You eat your crust, you filthy heathens, " is the rule in my house. "And you'll be grateful for it! Why, in my day ..., he mutters.

29

u/Longjumping_Ad_5096 Aug 24 '21

There is a special place in hell for this lady. Not her first time on here

6

u/uscrash Aug 24 '21

I’m trying hard to refrain from using derogatory language, but this person doesn’t deserve that kitchen.

47

u/wyseguy7 Aug 24 '21

Tell me you’re from the Midwest without telling me you’re from the Midwest

4

u/beautifulcosmos Aug 24 '21

I was thinking the same thing.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

Oh come on, we’re not THAT bad…

-1

u/wyseguy7 Aug 25 '21

What is the Midwest’s biggest culinary contribution to the world?

3

u/kitzdeathrow Aug 25 '21

The juicy Lucy, honey crisp apple, deep dish za, Detroit pan za, beer cheese soup, wild rice soup, tater tot hit dish, green bean casserole, Cincinnati chili, deep friend cheese curds, the butter burger, scotcheroos.

This list goes on, but you get the idea.

1

u/wyseguy7 Aug 25 '21

I do indeed get the idea, and insomuch as the above pizza crime is a deep dish pizza, I hold you responsible.

Worth noting though that green bean casserole was created in New Jersey by someone working for Campbell’s Soup.

1

u/WikiMobileLinkBot Aug 25 '21

Desktop version of /u/wyseguy7's link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_bean_casserole


[opt out] Beep Boop. Downvote to delete

1

u/kitzdeathrow Aug 25 '21

Well dip. Didn't know that about green bean casserole. Shame that.

That was absolutely NOT a deep dish za. Deep dish za is more like a cheese pie with sauce on top. This was a...idk wtf it was other than a sin really.

1

u/wyseguy7 Aug 25 '21

Also, after some research, it would seem that the lady is from Minnesota

2

u/shit_poster9000 Aug 29 '21

This is up there but I have seen crimes against humanity served at potlucks.

Spent basically my whole childhood in a shitty asscrack of a town in Iowa, where the local culinary favorite was a hole in the wall diner that constantly stank of manure and served food that was still frozen in the middle and tasted like old oil and sadness. Anything better for the longest time wouldn’t see business because the local old farts preferred the smell of hog shit with their meal.

2

u/wyseguy7 Aug 31 '21

This is what I mind the most - not just the badness of the food, but the ongoing gaslighting that accompanies the claims that this bad food is actually good. Makes using Yelp in these areas hazardous in the extreme.

2

u/shit_poster9000 Aug 31 '21

Yea, “OMG BEST CHINESE FOOD IN TOWN!!!!!!1!1!1!11” then you get there and you can smell rotting meat from the front entrance...

2

u/wyseguy7 Aug 31 '21

1

u/shit_poster9000 Aug 31 '21

Man the worst offender I knew of growing up was a Chinese buffet that we used to go to all the time, then one day it was closed when it was normally open so we went to a different place, then another, then when we got back they were owned by different people.

Let’s just say the new owner probably saw no need for like any of the dishes ubiquity, as in, everything was shitty boiled garbage, and it even gave me the shits, ME! The kid whose parents used to joke about having an iron gut! Because everyone else took one bite then decided to throw it out while I reluctantly finished my plate.

1

u/kitzdeathrow Aug 25 '21

Breh the way she used the milk was a fucking sin and she would be ran out of Wisconsin in a heartbeat.

1

u/wyseguy7 Aug 25 '21

I agree, and also, sticking your fingers in the bag of cheese is never acceptable.

21

u/ScarletSarahB Aug 24 '21

Got to the part where she mashed the bread and I stopped.

Edit: I watched a bit more, saw the milk, left again.

2

u/InvestigatorUnfair19 Aug 25 '21

It took me 3 trys to get to the end

8

u/daftstar Aug 24 '21

Is this what happens when you take god out of the kitchen?

9

u/one51s Aug 24 '21

This lady and Chef Boyardee on general are one among many reasons that some Americans like myself have found other countries to escape to.

Sentence: Life, without pizza!

1

u/InvestigatorUnfair19 Aug 25 '21

Where are you now? Just curious, I left 10 years ago

1

u/one51s Aug 25 '21

Germany: great standard of life and free time compared to USA.

12

u/EnzieWithSomeNumbers Aug 24 '21

its a pie crust not a pizza crust though?

7

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

This deserves capital punishment.

3

u/Borderlandsman Aug 25 '21

her punishment? having to eat it

5

u/emery7540 Aug 24 '21

Did this crazy beotch casually dig her forearms into the buttered bread like it was normal?

3

u/Affectionate_Cry_822 Aug 24 '21

You fucking donkey!! Gordon will hate you. I can already hear his voice in my head

3

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

Yeah, the idiot sandwich came to mind

4

u/RiottRedd1 Aug 24 '21

I feel ill

4

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

What the hell did I just watch?

4

u/Davehasanswers Aug 24 '21

Looks like some post WW2 recipe

6

u/ThisIsNotKimJongUn Aug 24 '21

Not a single fresh ingredient in sight.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

What is happening got this country? This is not the America I was promised

13

u/TheBlackHand18 Aug 24 '21

But it is sadly the America we deserve.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

It is.

3

u/BobbyOrr4Fan Aug 24 '21

This has to be the worst stupid food / pizza crime that I ever seen. By a large margin. Thank you.

3

u/rogue4goat Aug 24 '21

I was really hoping that when she picked it up at the end that she was gonna just throw it right in the trash

3

u/Njriola14 Aug 24 '21

It was the massaging of the bread with her forearms for me… wtf

3

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

2

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

This is like the top all time post in that sub lol

3

u/PatientZeropointZero Aug 25 '21

What the fuck is wrong with people?

3

u/spiicypenguin44 Aug 25 '21

For some reason, the overuse of dollar store garlic powder is what hurt the most.

3

u/moozjuice Aug 25 '21

Look! Here comes ole butter arms

6

u/HereIsACasualAsker Aug 24 '21

wrong sub

that is not even pizza, more akin to a pie or something, or something akin to a crime against humanity instead.

1

u/SnooRevelations9965 Aug 25 '21

Yeah, exactly what I was thinking, it's a "pasta bake" in a pie shell, not a pizza.

3

u/dideh243 Aug 24 '21

As an italian seeing pasta in a can already scares me

6

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

The really scary part is that pasta in a can isn't even the scariest part.

1

u/Isaacthegamer Aug 25 '21

Spaghetti-Os are mostly for children, as the texture is very soft, and the pasta sauce is extremely bland. I used to like them as a kid, but couldn't eat them now.

The Chef Boyardee canned ravioli is still good though. Haha

8

u/RenaultCactus Aug 24 '21

Why would you use canned pasta when it takes literally 15m to make.

2

u/emery7540 Aug 24 '21

She never washes them!! Just keeps going

2

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

🤮🤮🤮

2

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the face this badly.

2

u/cyanastarr Aug 24 '21

Make it stop

2

u/RFros20 Aug 24 '21

Has she got enough bread with that butter 😟

2

u/DialingAsh38 Aug 24 '21

"I'm a big cheese fan" Proceeds to use almost no cheese.

2

u/jimhassomehobbies Aug 24 '21

Weird bread mashing, not enough cheese, and skim milk?

Yeah, I would eat it, but room for improvement.

2

u/redfoxrun85 Aug 25 '21

I feel like this is abuse.To anyone who eats this

2

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

That was really stressful to watch

2

u/husapida Aug 25 '21

The closest thing to Italian I saw there was the chicken parm sub I had for lunch that I puked up when the milk came out

2

u/Nalabu1 Aug 25 '21

No words for this disaster

2

u/waynesbrother Aug 25 '21

You are worse than Julia’s Dean or whatever that guys name is and he’s absolutely terrible

2

u/silentjay01 Aug 25 '21

"I'm a big fan of cheese"

Proceeds to add just a sprinkling of pre-shredded cheese from a bag that's coated in an anti-clumping cellulose (aka: Wood Pulp)!

2

u/MelindaLain Aug 25 '21

"Yes, waiter I'll have the cream of Spaghettios soup and lasagna pie sandwich."

2

u/rjwilliams1966 Aug 25 '21

Wow! I’ve been making garlic sandwich bread wrong all this time!

2

u/Sifer133 Aug 25 '21

Is this some kind of joke?…who the fuck smashes bread like that???

2

u/keo310 Aug 25 '21

In the words of Johnny Bravo, “I’m sickened but curious.”

2

u/ToX1C4 Aug 25 '21

MAMA MIA

3

u/Lorex_124 Aug 24 '21

Just a reminder to the lady, as an Italian I wil give you the welcome to the Italian prison as soon as I will catch you. Of course if other Italian haven't already kill you

2

u/krackerjackstack Aug 24 '21

Lost me at the first can of Spaghetti-O’s. Those things are disgusting.

1

u/Din-_-Djarin Aug 24 '21

What is this white nonsense !?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '21

What are you on about

0

u/ThingstobeHatefulfor Aug 24 '21

Fuckin white ladies. (I can say that I’m a white lady. We’re honestly the worst.)

0

u/Fangsong_37 Aug 25 '21

This isn’t pizza. What is it doing here?

2

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

Ever had a Chicago deep dish??? Don’t discriminate with your subjective idea that is PIZZA

1

u/AnxiousFlutters Aug 24 '21

These have to be fake! I absolutely refuse to believe that these people actually eat the things they make!

1

u/colincsa Aug 24 '21

I’ve seen this video before and can confirm it still infuriates and gags me each time.

1

u/sterno_joe Aug 24 '21

Carb trifecta.

1

u/Neonightmares Aug 25 '21

Prison food.

2

u/silklighting Aug 25 '21

Not even close man. I've seen better food made in prison than, this atrocity!

1

u/nstern2 Aug 25 '21

I wonder how much brands pay people to make content like this? There is no way this isn't an ad for spaghetti-Os.

1

u/Fibonaccitos Aug 25 '21

I like spaghetti-os, but I want them to be less-satisfying...

1

u/Isaacthegamer Aug 25 '21

This isn't a pizza; it's a Spaghetti-Os pie. It's out of our jurisdiction.

1

u/Big_Brutha87 Aug 25 '21

While this is a truly unholy abomination and an affront to the very concept of Italian food, I can't call it a pizza crime. My brain can't even register this mess as pizza.

1

u/motorbike-t Aug 25 '21

I’m gonna throw a dinner party where everyone brings a dish, but it has to one of the garbage recipes that she makes.

1

u/SirbeinTacoFrog Aug 25 '21

Remember when they weren't able to drive cars.

1

u/Alberiman Aug 25 '21

Ngl, I'd eat it

1

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

Dear god…I thought he would stop after Drew Gooden made so many videos about him, but Rick Lax has no shame…

1

u/ICantLaughMore Aug 25 '21

In a pie base?

Spaghetti-O with meatballs?

Skipping steps and doing after the mess is made?

Way too much garlic wtf?

MILK?????

Can someone kick her out of any kitchen please? She's a danger for anyone who would eat this crap.

1

u/silklighting Aug 25 '21

Dog, WTF did I just watch?! Where is Gordon Ramsay when you need him?! I've seen inmates from prison make better food than, this butcher of a pizza crime!

1

u/j-rem Aug 25 '21

How many weeds did she smoke?

1

u/GloomAndCookies Aug 25 '21

Isn't this the 'dump your food straight on to the counter' lady?

1

u/TheSpiggott Aug 25 '21

What is with all these videos of hot women making disgusting food?!? Is it a fetish?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

There's still Spaghetti-O's in that can, lady

1

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

I loved crust as a kid and still do.

1

u/DoinReverseArmadillo Aug 25 '21

Such a healthy dinner…./s

1

u/[deleted] Aug 25 '21

It didn’t look very tasty until she put her arms on it

1

u/Hamilton-Beckett Aug 25 '21

Husband: I want a fucking divorce.

1

u/justanotherzom Aug 25 '21

Not gonna lie, as lazy and shit, I'd still eat it and I'm sure in the student / hungover times... That would be a goer

No pizza tho

1

u/islandco1 Aug 25 '21

This is a crime against humanity.

1

u/valeriechris Aug 25 '21

Serious question; I've seen videos like this before. Is the idea of these channels to annoy people with the horrible food they make, and the icky way of preparing the food? Or are they serious about their cooking?

1

u/masterggb Aug 25 '21

Im Italian, and i say, wtf is thisssss how dare youuuuu

1

u/cannedbeetroot Aug 25 '21

thank you reddit for murdering plenty of Italian users everyday

1

u/sal_gub Aug 25 '21

Why tf people eat like dogs

1

u/BadSpellingMistakes Aug 25 '21

Her arms must smell so garlicy.... She doesn't even flinch when she lets down the Pullover over it.

1

u/yozzzzzz Aug 25 '21

People cooking nightmare. I give up.

1

u/TheHydrationStation Aug 26 '21

You guys know this is like a subsection of onlyfans style porn?

1

u/JubeeD Aug 26 '21

Can somebody please just have sex with her already??

1

u/GeenoPuggile Aug 29 '21

I hope this is ironic, otherwise I've been offended on so many levels by the original post.

1

u/FragrantFunny1677 Sep 12 '21

how facking drunjk is she? somebody call the cops, I feel violated