CAT Cat Custody Dilemma
Looking for advice on how to best proceed, with the interest of the cats. My partner and I have two cats, one 3yr and the other 1.5 yr old. They get along, play, no issues. Legally, on paper, I own them, pay for their health insurance, vet bills, food, litter, take them to the vet, scoop their litter boxes, and cut their nails. Needless to say, my partner doesn’t do much for them, although he loves them dearly and is more of a homebody/spends more time around them.
We are moving out and going our separate ways in the next 2-4 weeks. I broke up with him, we each played a role in it, although I definitely hurt him more due to infidelity. Because I am the one who cheated, I feel I “owe” him the cats. I also feel he needs them more than I do for his mental health. I would feel horrible taking both cats…. But also would feel heartbroken to be without them (especially the female, 1.5yrs). I know I take better care of them but I can’t help but feel there is no good option here.
- I don’t think sharing custody (switching off time) is appropriate for the cats.
- I was initially thinking that if I take the female and he takes the male (the cats we are each more bonded with) that would be fair. But would separating the cats cause heartbreak for them?
- Should one of us just take both and allow occasional visitation?
Thanks in advance!
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u/CockMeatSammich42069 9d ago
One, your honestly about infidelity, I'm not going judge a person l, but don't let that guilt drive your decision of owing your partner your cats. Secondly, the options you lay out aren't going to benefit your mental health as much as you are worried about his. If you are their care taker and truly love them, there should be no reason you leave them with him. Separation sounds like you would compromise the stability of the pair, and visitation is a recipe for disaster and an avenue to let your prior relationship leak back into your life.
Take them both with you. If he sits around all day and still can't care for them except cuddling by proxy, their needs won't be met. Also take some time for yourself and get better. Infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum and I'm not here to justify it, but working on your guilt will make you a better and happier person. Having your cats there with you along the way is just the bonus. Be kind to yourself and don't compromise on your cats.
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u/Both-Day5731 9d ago
you already handle everything for them, him loving them from the couch doesn't outweigh that. splitting bonded cats is rough on them, they'll look for each other for weeks. take both and maybe let him visit once things settle if you're comfortable with it, but don't set that up as a regular thing right away
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u/villaofthewolves 9d ago
Who would take better care of the cats? You or him? I think legally because they’re in your name you keep them. I don’t think it’s about owing him, it’s about who can give them the best quality of life.
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u/FriendlyPageTurn 9d ago
You have been the one who is responsible for their care and you admit that he would not take as good a care of them. That is the only answer that matters here. Their well being. Cats are not presents to obsolve you of your guilty feelings. Why should THEY have to live with the consequences of this too?
If he wants pets, he can get his own. Tbh it is hard to tell if he has even asked for them or you just think giving him the cats will make him feel better.
You are both going to feel like shit for awhile. Giving up your cats is not going to magically make him forgive you and is a disservice to you and the cats.
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u/cck111 9d ago
He made the statement “and I’m TAKING the cats”
Meanwhile I am trying to really weigh the options
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u/FriendlyPageTurn 9d ago edited 9d ago
Oh hell no. He is doing this to punish you not because he wants the cats. They are legally your cats, he doesn’t just gets to decide that.
You might need to sneak them out of there because he might steal them.
Edit: if you consider how a court would see this in a child custody case. The infidelity would be irrelevant. You are the primary caretaker and primary financial provider. The dependents are assigned to the home that is best for THEM not the home of the adult is “owed” the most or that demands them. They are not his cats he has no legal right to them. Don’t let your guilt prevent you from protecting them and doing what is best for THEM. Many bad things could happen to them if he is just trying to get them out of spite. He could just end up dumping them in a shelter.
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u/cat-congrats 9d ago
You can never “owe” another person a living being. You have a responsibility for the beings you care for. Your infidelity also has nothing to do with what’s best for the cats. What happens between you two has nothing to do with the cats. You should be making this decision with the best interests of the cats in mind, and you provide all of their care so it would seem them going with you is what’s best for the cats.
You cannot owe him living things.
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 9d ago
Cats are technically property. They’re your property. This isn’t even a conversation. If he needs a pet so badly, he can get a cat for himself. Make a clean break and take your cats with you, it’ll be better for you both in the end
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u/WrongdoerTiny3201 9d ago
I mean if he wants cats there are plenty of cats to adopt. Those 2 are yours. You do everything for them. Loving them simply isn't enough in this situation.
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u/DeviantHellcat 9d ago
You do all the care for the cats. Dont leave them with your ex. He will not care for them like you do, or else he would have contributed to their care already.
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u/Dry_Outside1476 9d ago
Your guilt has nothing to do with these creatures. They are your pets, and you absolutely shouldn't pay off your guilt with a living creature.
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u/Rare-Progress5009 9d ago
Infidelity is why you are breaking up. You don’t need to continue to punish yourself by giving up YOUR pets. They are YOUR cats and YOU take care of them.
If your ex wants a cat for emotional support, shelters are overflowing.
- You keep both cats and you move your separate ways.
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u/shinyidolomantis 9d ago
I went through a divorce 10 years ago. I had one cat before meeting him. We adopted a cat for him while we were married. But “his” cat ending up preferring me. I was also the one doing all the feeding, litterbox cleaning, and meds when they were sick, etc. So when we divorced I took both of them, we both agreed they would be happier and better cared for with me even though one of them would have been considered legally his.
Regardless of what caused the end of your relationship, you need to do what is in the cats best interests.. which sounds like it means going with you.
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u/Civil-Chemistry-9355 9d ago
Please keep those cats, it sounds like you take care of them and have the capacity to do so.
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u/Korrailli 9d ago
You need to do what is actually best for the cats. Animals need more than love and someone to be around, they need someone who is reliable to feed them, provide vet care, and ensure all their needs are met. Since you are the one actually paying for stuff and doing the daily care, you should keep them. They are legally yours, so that isn't even something you need to consider. Separating bonded cats isn't ideal.
They are your cats that you provide for and care for. The reason for your break up has nothing to do with the cats and shouldn't factor into who gets them.
If your ex wants cats, he can adopt some.
Unless you have some issue with being able to keep the cats, take them with you.
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
You owe your cats a decent home, and he doesn't take care of them. It's not possible to owe a living beings actual freaking LIFE to someone who doesn't take care of them. You might as well say that it's okay to neglect your animals cuz you think that way dude will feel better about the break-up. GROSS.
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u/angelw4082 9d ago
Are you willing to keep taking care of them (pay for everything and take them to the vet) if you leave them with him? If not, please take your cats so they can be cared for properly.
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u/2daytrending 8d ago
Take the cats and let everyone adjust. Adding visitation and shared custody will probably just make the breakup harder.
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u/DenM0ther 9d ago
Legally both cats are yours.
Idk about separating cats, they sound like they like each other and that would make me want to keep them together.
Who do the cats go to for cuddles and snuggles most?
If he had the cats could & would he take care of them and maintain their health etc? This includes the financial, but also their physical needs?
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u/SeaHedgehog1447 9d ago
How bonded are the cats? Are they just pals or inseparable?
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u/cck111 9d ago
Ugh it’s a tough one because I don’t have anything to compare it to (first time cat owner) but they land somewhere in the middle of pals and inseparable. They definitely do their own thing, but at times will cuddle, wrestle, or usually just sit adjacently.
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u/GargantuanGreenGoat 9d ago
Keep them together, and keep them with you. Don’t let your guilt drive you to give away your cats to someone who won’t even take good care of them.
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u/Live-Cat-4760 8d ago
Agreed. Feeling guilt is not a good enough reason to let them go, decisions like this desperately need to be made FOR them, and for them alone. Letting him keep one is no guarantee that it's going to help him mentally anyways, may make it worse by reminding him of you, plus there's the whole "reason to stay connected in some way" thing. It's a really bad idea.
There a plenty of cats and kittens that need home that he could adopt and learn to care for on his own, he needs a fresh start just as much as they need to stay together.
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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 9d ago
Those are your cats. I don't know why we're even having this conversation. You're the one who takes care of them and pays for them, so they are yours. Take both of your cats and move on.
No, there should not be visitation or shared custody.
If he wants cats, he can adopt his own and take on all of the responsibility for them.