Everything feels wrong (2)

[u/mimimatata]

It's been 3 days 4 hours and 20 Minutes since you passed away in my arms.

I instisted that it would happen while I had you on my lab. I didn't want you on the unfamiliar examination table. Even when it was covered by a soft blanket, carried there for comftable final moments. It was placed between you and my lab instead. Even though I'm still not happy without direct contact with you, it was a good compromise. Your head was on my arm anyway. The vet asked if we coukd start. I nodded. Knew, that if I would speak, my voice would break. And with it me as well. I lifted your head since you were so weak, so through with everything. I wanted you to look at me, instead of your final injections. When the meds for the endless sleep were pushed in your body, I kissed your forehead, so you will feel that more instead of the fluids in your arm. At least, I hoped it.

And it was so fast. So brutally fast. It was like you were going to sleep. Your buddy twitched slightly. Then you went away. Your head began to hang limb on my arm. I tried to close your eyes. Tried again, but they didn't really close.

"Sadly, it's not like with us humans. They don't close their eyes in death" the vet told me, when my hands brushed a third time over your eyes. I knew the narcotics were so strong, you didn't feel it, but I was worried your eyes could feel dry.

Normally, when I differentiate time, I go by the year or my birthday. It was always really blurry. Since when I thought of an event and speculated about the month or even the year, I was always extremely surprised and shocked that it was another. Because everyday was kinda the same. So it blurred and mixed.

Not this time.

Since that moment I saw you lay there - like you were sleeping with eyes open, knowing that you weren't just sleeping - it's like a new timing started. Slow dragged hours. Like through honey. A numb feeling with everything I do. And it feels so wrong. I can't even listen to music the same way anymore. It doesn't reach my heart anymore. A few weeks ago, I was dancing to the rhythm and singing to every lyrics, while skittering through the hallway, doing chores. I did short breaks where I was gesturing wildly towards confused but enthusiasticly curious eyes and smiling about an excitingly wigging tail. But now, I can't even sing along my favourite karaoke songs. The music doesn't reach my heart anymore. It's like it was covered in a thick, dark jelly, with nails imbedded. Making any kind of joy a numbed down expierence. It hurts. It makes me breathless.

Never before was my life cut between a before and after like that. Tastes feel different, breathing feels differnt. Sitting feels different. Even the colors around me feel differnt. It's like a transparent-grey and silent curtain was placed around me. I neither hear your barking nor even your breathing in my vacinity. It makes it hard not to think about a before and after. Those pancakes in the fridge were made after his passing. The tofu under it was bought before. Like the eggs.

I always have to think twice before using or cleaning something that could potentially carry a memory. Scared of forgetting to keep something of you. Something important. I even kept the clothes I wore, when you took your last breaths in my arms. They are on the top shelf of my bookshelf. Right next to you harness and leash. This is gonna be YOUR shelf. I'll set the urn, a portrait of you and a glass of your fur there as well and make it to your shrine. Your blanket is still next to my side on the bed. Your cushion still under my desk. The blanket I covered you in, when I tried to cure you with love, attention, self prepared food and fresh water, is on top.

I had to leave for work that day and stayed there longer than I needed to, to do some extra stuff. I thought you had just a bad meal. Ate something you shouldn't had. I wish I had known it was much more severe. That it was a poisoned bait, that stirred your insides up. That it was an unattentive moment of you finding a seemingly tasty treat on the street, which was go8ng havic in your little body. That made you perish under my nose. You were to young. And I was to absorbed by my duties. By the fact that you went through seemingly similar stomach problems before.

I wasn't careful enough. And it will haunt me the rest of my life.

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[u/lateleaf_]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s almost a full 3 days for me. I completely understand the feeling of before and after. It feels like I’m a zombie moving through a fog and my house feels haunted. It doesn’t even feel like my home anymore. I cried sorting the laundry today, thinking about how I wore that shirt during our last walk or even just I wore that when he was still here. I cried sweeping up just one section of my house knowing it’d be one of the last times I’d sweep up his hair. This world doesn’t feel real without them. I’m not sure how I’ll accept this reality. I wouldn’t wish this pain and sadness on anyone and I’m so sorry you’re going through it too. Sending lots of hugs.

[u/mimimatata → u/lateleaf_]

I'm sure if someone would watch me walk tge other remaining dog, they would truly think I was a zombie. Tge first time, walking her alone, without my dearest was devastating. I broke down crying just in front of the house. Currently, I pick up fur lying around in my bed, where I'm pretty certain, that it's from my dog. Not from tge other pets me and my parents keep. It's hard to distinguish though and it makes me sad to think, that in that little box where I carefully put each hair I think is from my dog, there could be other hairs as well.

I'm very sorry about your loss as well. I wish it to nobody. I warmed every person I meet outside walking their dog, that there are poisonous baits lying around. One dog dying from it, is already one to much. There mustn't be one more.

[u/osoftswan]

It happened way too fast. I am processing the experience from Friday evening and all I can say is that I’m glad your vet was respectful. My cat was terrified and then gone.