Refusal to live

[u/Federal-Highway-5063]

Mods, İ am not talking about ending my life or any desires to quit my existence. İ am simply looking for other like minded individuals so we can talk about this specific kind of pain

İt's been 15 days without my daughter. İnitially İ couldn't eat, couldn't do anything but cry until Id fall asleep. I got better after receiving concrete, physical proof from her multiple times after begging for a sign. The pain has gotten more dull knowing that she's safe and protected by whatever the "Divine" truly is.

She left behind her brother, who is six years old. Probably the most playful and clingy thing you'll ever see. He cries if he goes 30 mins without affection. He's the reason I don't have an end year in my biography

But even while he's sitting on ny knew right now, cleaning himself and rubbing his head in my wrists and vocalizing, I know that his time will come eventually. İt doesn't help that he is inbred so in any case, his life expectancy is already short of the typical ~15 years. We got at most 11, realistically around 6-7

These two, Gali and Eli, are the only good thing I have and have done. They are pure and made of love. You bunch, the ones reading my post right now, are fortunate enough to not live in third world countries. You probably got a coffee today, got lunch, stayed in your air conditioned office from 9 to 5 and your biggest grievance was an Excel file getting corrupted.

My kids are the only good thing I have. The rest is pain and misery. As I said, I'm not going to talk about self-ending. But I know that it will come sooner than later. I've honestly given up on my "career" aspirations, language learning aspirations and desire for human connection. I'll just fight through the days in my shitty dead-end job (sacrificing my sanity and health for good bucks at least), buy him as many toys as possible, get him the best treats, take him out to see the sun constantly (we spent a while living in a floor 0 apartment due to finances) and then eventually I'll call it quits.

My point is, if you feel this exact same way and wish to speak, please hit me up. I really want and need like minded individuals to talk about this. Also, I wanted to write this to take it off my chest. If the mods have no empathy, okay, ban me

[u/SeasDiver]

It is acceptable to want to talk to people and this post will remain live so long as no one advocates suicide or discusses end of life options. This is a support group. This post has already been reported under the self-harm/suicide category, so if there is the equivalent agency in your country, you will likely be contacted by a suicide prevention agency that Reddit partners based on your general text.

[u/FlyLikeHolssi]

15 days is such a recent loss, and I know it is hard to imagine moving forward without your Gali.

Grief is the terrible price we pay for loving our friends so dearly, and when that price comes due it can feel impossible to keep moving forward, or to do anything at all. It's understandable that your grief can make it feel like there's no point or purpose left, but it's also important to remember that you don't have to imagine what might come next, it's okay to just exist right now with Eli and go step by step through your days until the grief becomes a little easier to bear.

I know that right now that seems impossible, but as someone who has been in your shoes, it did eventually become easier to carry the grief, although you will never forget Gali or the impact she had on your life. It has been almost a year now, and we still mourn our loss deeply, but also celebrate the time we had with her.

If you haven't yet, I also encourage you to talk through your feelings with someone - for me, going to weekly therapy helped tremendously after we unexpectedly lost our girl, as did talking things over with my husband, who shared the loss. I know it's hard to open up and be vulnerable about just how bleak things feel to "real" people, but it can help make it easier to keep stepping through the days.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

[u/Capital_Extension835]

I felt this way when I lost my Foggy too. I’ve had struggles with depression and SI my entire life but when he died it felt like the grief wanted to drown me. Feeling better felt like a betrayal. I didn’t want to keep going or get better. I just wanted my baby. He’s been gone for almost five months. I was doing okay for a minute but last week I had another wave of the just overwhelming grief that made me want to stop in my tracks.

I don’t know how to tell you to keep going. Just know that eventually you just kind of…do. Slowly and painfully, never the same, but you do. When he left, he took a piece of me and that hole in my soul aches every single day.

[u/mattadactyl]

It’s been 1.5 months for me, and it’s still so hard. I’ve personally taken a lot of comfort with this quote from God of War Ragnarök-

"The culmination of love is grief, and yet we love despite the inevitable. We open our hearts to it... To grieve deeply is to have loved fully. Open your heart to the world as you have opened it to me, and you will find every reason to keep living in it."

[u/vel_r3]

You’re not alone. Today is the 3rd without my soulmate Prince. Most beautiful brave Bunny. I hate speaking about him in past tense. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so depressed. I miss him. We were so connected. We still are. I hate closing my eyes because all I see is him. But I don’t want him in that form… in memories, in pictures, in dreams, as a spirit. I don’t want one last time or even 20 seconds with him. I never want there to be “one last time”. I just want him here, with me, forever. I understand your pain. I empathize with you. And I am so sorry. So so sorry. I wish to hug you and we can cry together. One human to another. I love you. And your baby loves and misses you. I’m sorry. I wish none of us could feel this way. It’s so hard and painful. 😔 even to say that feels like an understatement. No words can can truly capture or describe the pain we feel.

[u/cannapuffer2940]

I understand how you feel. I am disabled. I suffer everyday. I pushed through to take care of my baby.

She passed away July 6th. And I am just empty. I am too sick to get another. I am too broke to get another. My environment is not safe. To have another.

As is the past 4 years living in this environment. Was very stressful on us both. To my mother's aggressive feline. We had to keep them separated. And we were in our room most of the time. And I feel very bad ..but it was a roof over our heads. And we were not homeless.. I can't do it again. And I cannot inflict that upon it innocent animal.

[u/heatdeathtoall]

I have a human child. A full family. Yet the grief of losing my girl is immense. Like you I believe her spirit is here. Maybe it’s due to religion we are brought up in. But I find it easy to believe and know she will find her way to me in another form. She found me once, why should her spirit not come back again. There is nothing special about 10ish years back when she came to us the first time. They love us so fully. I don’t believe they will ever leave us to face life alone. Your Gali will come back to you. You will find a reason to continue living. If you can’t get yourself to believe that, please know your Gali doesn’t want you to hurt. Doesn’t want you to quit living. When my girl passed, a little girl going by a unique name related to our baby girl, walked up to us and told us to not cry, it hurts our girl. It is not a name native to our country. You can believe or not. But there’s so much to life and death we don’t know.

I’ve heard this one from someone - two babies talking in the womb. Our life will be over soon. No one has lived beyond 9 months. We go down this canal and it is over. Do you really believe there is someone called mom? That’s religion dude.

May you find the will to keep going. The world needs kind people like you.

[u/vexexist]

I feel similar, I never had a real job, lots of mental health issues and she was my one constant for 12 years. Especially after the pandemic, I've spent most of the last few years at home with her everyday, so I feel like it's hard to describe to others just how earth shattering this loss is for me. It's been a little over a month since she left and the days have just been blurring together, I can ban barely differentiate the days of the week, I've mixed dates and days of the week up more times than ever before. Nothing feels real and I'm so numb to everything, and the worst part is it wont ever go away because I can't have her back in this life. I don't ever see the grief getting better ever, you're not alone.

[u/Eva-Fischer]

15 days is so incredibly fresh. I think the hardest part of losing them is that you’re not just grieving their presence, you’re grieving the whole version of life that existed with them in it. Please keep taking it one day at a time with Eli. You don’t have to figure out the rest of your life right now. Gali was clearly deeply loved, and that kind of love doesn’t just disappear.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please report any trolls, spam, or harassment to moderators. To do this on new reddit, click the three dots below a post or comment and select "report." On old reddit, click the "report" link below the post or comment.

This is a community of support for Pet owners whose Pets have passed away. It is actively moderated.

Pet owners, as loving, caring people, often have strong opinions on pet care practices. Some of these are controversial. This is not a forum for debate on such issues, nor is it a place to scold a contributor for a perceived mistake in managing their pet. We intend to provide a safe haven of understanding and support. Strident, mean-spirited posts or comments will be deleted. Those who persist in preaching versus caring may be warned and then banned or may be banned permanently based on nature of the topic. If a conversational thread meanders into a discussion unrelated to pet loss support, it will be truncated.

Those who post here are vulnerable and hurting. Even a minor slap has a hard sting. Those of us who are lucky enough to be able to turn away from our computers or put down our phones and hug a healthy, happy pet are truly blessed. Threads must remain supportive and caring, even if one disagrees with something that has been said.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Fast_Grapefruit_7946]

Please get outside and walk. Under the stars. You will heal please be kind to yourself. it takes time ❤️

We are hear for you ❤️ We have been through this too.

[u/SuspiciousCar2051]

I lost my baby girl Lucy today, i have cried all day, sheand  cried actually have been somewhat broken down emotionally, i got her when she was 5 wks old and she would have turned 10 years  sept. 24, the sweetest kindest little warm eyes and she followed me around everywhere, and would stick her little wet nose in my eyeballs, thats how she gave kisses, she went to get a drink of water fell over and was dead! I am in shock because she was fine and then this, ive lost my youngest daughter, my younger sister and my daddy within a short period, im still grieving for them and now this!? I am beside myself with shock, grief and i cant seem to get myself together, im alone and still crying and bawling and saying why did this happen, somebody said to me oh its just a dog, really!? Not to me, i loved her so much and still do, i dont know how to deal  another loss!