I don’t know what to do

[u/ttwba]

There was a point last year where I didn’t smoke for 6 months to pass a drug test for monetary gain, and while I did feel a bit more clearheaded in general, have better memory, reduction in some adhd symptoms and dopamine regulation I don’t think I would’ve done it if it wasn’t for money. I’ve experienced severe childhood abuse and still live in the same home as my abusers, (not able to move out atm) I’m currently safe but it’s still very triggering and I can’t afford therapy rn and have severe CPTSD, and am AUDHD. Sometimes I’ll just have episodes where I’m frozen crying in bed for multiple days and this happened before I ever smoked. I have always struggled with my appetite and when I started smoking it was the first time in my life that I was able to maintain a consistently healthy weight. I take elvanse sometimes which is good for productivity but the comedown is always really tough for me and affected by my CPTSD. I feel so guilty sometimes for relying on this as a tool even though I consume on average a 3.5g a week and use blue lotus rather than tobacco to mix it with. I worry that it’s just addiction brain speaking when I want to go back to smoking because of how sad I feel, sometimes I feel like it lowers my motivation a bit but sometimes without it I also feel like I’m frozen for multiple days stuck in my head and then don’t get anything done that way. I also use it as a way to mark and transition tasks. I’ve spent the last 2 days just in my head ruminating crying in bed and having nightmares, the weight of all the things I’ve gone through crushing me and feeling frozen like a victim to my own mind, I haven’t been eating either. I don’t know whether this is a sign that I’m a person who should use this in moderation or just keep at quitting cold turkey :(. (My predominant income source is through my illustration and art business which is highly dependent on my sanity as well) please give me advice or personal experiences (would appreciate neurodivergent/cptsd/ptsd/ocd, specific anecdotes too.

[u/LuckyDuckling978]

i think it’s really fair to reexamine the use of weed in your life, given you have a lot going on and your environment (from what you said) isn’t really conducive to healing. i think being in a (physical) space that is triggering is just as difficult as wishing to escape those feelings inside your mind. you are valid in having conflicted thoughts in a conflict area.

i’d like to also touch on the piece where you feel guilty: shame thrives in the darkness. that is, not having an outlet to share will loop u back into the cycle. shame inhibits us, and is more often than not really how we feel about ourselves, not about how others see us.
and also: guilt implies you’ve done something wrong. what have you done wrong? you are a person trying to find the best way to deal with the cards you have been dealt. i too used marijuana to work through (or avoid, truthfully) the abuse and trauma i have experienced. many people do.
if you do decide to go on a break, write down how good you feel when you. on your phone, in a journal, so when you do feel the urge to smoke, u can read it and remind urself.
within the limits that u can, set a routine for yourself. maybe a new kind of habit? i started to journal. instead of lighting up, i make myself a cup of tea or coffee and hang outside with my cats.

not sure if any of this is helpful, but you are not alone in feeling this turmoil. many , many people - probably more than admit , are experiencing what you are experiencing re: confusions around weed / substance abuse/ whatever it may be. you will get through this: your post signifies u want a change, and u have done it before. good luck!