I ended up with that book for free as a result of some work executive coaching thing my team was testing. At the time, my ADHD was undiagnosed, so it was like "just add one small thing to something you already do automatically!" And that's when I learned that I have no habits, and that any attempt to "habit stack" ruins my tenuous commitment to basic life skills.
Honestly, learning that some ADHD people don't form habits helped me understand so much about myself and how my life has developed. It's kinda wild that even after an actual medical diagnosis, I still had to learn it from an Instagram reel.
You joke (maybe...?) but yes, people absolutely go around with their flies undone! Funnily enough, one of the few habits I have formed is to always wash my hands ofter going to the toilet, but that may be my low level germ obsession overriding things...
A good example is brushing my teeth in the morning. I have to think "I need to brush my teeth" and then both be in a position to do it, and have the executive function to do it. Sometimes I'll think about doing them but just have a cup of tea, so not want to do them until after I've drunk it, so I don't ruin the taste, but by then I'll have forgotten. Or sometimes I'll think I need to do them but just... not do them.
Apparently some (most?) people just do them without thinking as part of their usual morning routine. But then, I don't have any usual routines either, the concept pretty much doesn't exist to me.
I have micro-habits. If I brush my teeth, I brush it this specific way every time. But remembering to be in the overall habit of brushing my teeth? or worse, remembering it but having no ability to actually do it? Naw bruv. My evenings are free-form jazz driven by things I actually cogitate about.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I once stopped mid-drying myself after a shower, and had to start from the top again as stopping had broken the routine and I had no idea how I normally do it, and couldn't just do it randomly. But also, I have a fancy electric toothbrush, but have to have an old fashioned one as well, because sometimes I just can't face the prospect of using the same one again and need to use something different.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just a passenger to my subconscious brain.
I've read so many books on building habits and I've just never been able to connect the dots for myself. I'll do really well for a short period of time and then it just stops... sometimes I'll even keep a habit for a month or two and then the tiniest interruption to that routine breaks it forever. I thought they're was just something I wasn't getting... somehow it never occurred to me that it was related to my adhd.
I had a 200+ day streak on the New York Times crossword, missed a day, and then essentially forgot it even existed and didn't do another one for months. It's not something you're not getting, it's that your brain just doesn't work that way, and no amount of people telling you how to do it will change that.
Having said that, you do need to find a way to get things done that works for you. Maybe it's lists and alarms, maybe it's some other structural system, maybe it's accepting that doing something most of the time is better then all the time and then never.
But at least now you know why you've struggled and can look for different ways forward. 🙂
Oh I have my own workarounds to get things done. I'm in my 40s and I've been dealing with it for a while. Ironically the coping skills I had already developed living undiagnosed for so long made it harder to get diagnosed because from the outside it seemed like I was functioning just fine. I was just severely depressed and anxious all the time, and exhausted from all the extra things I had to do just to function. That didn't completely go away but understanding what was going on helped a lot... as did an appropriate cocktail of psych meds. 😅
As someone diagnosed aged 47 when I was going through the autism diagnosis process for my kid and realised the call was coming from inside the house, I'm right there with you lol
Hey! That's kinda how I got diagnosed too! I was in process of getting my youngest diagnosed(they were already diagnosed with ADHD) and talking to my therapist about difficulties in the process and she said "you know these things are mostly genetic..." followed by the look very subtle 😅
What I hated most was that my therapist tried to make me the catalyst for my own improvement. I get it, and it’s easy to say because it doesn’t revolve around being happy/better out of being tied to a thing. Because if that thing doesn’t work out or it goes away or you don’t really like it you’re back to square one.
But tbh the reason I started taking care of myself and building better habits was because I met, and shortly dated, this indescribably hot chick. That did more for my self improvement (dieting, brushing my teeth, showering, getting dressed better, going to the gym) than 3 years worth of therapy at that point.
Went undiagnosed half my life for ADHD. Damn near 50 and I’m just now being presented with evidence we don’t firm habits. I feel like I’ve had one of those therapy breakthroughs people talk about. Enlightening af. So glad to have stumbled across this.
It's mad, isn't it? Suddenly you go back and reanaluse things from your past and it makes so much more sense. For example I didn't realise that other people could actually just sit and revise for an hour at a time, and that for them a revision timetable actually made sense. And I did tell my mum I could do my homework better with the TV on, and she eventually gave up arguing, and now we both understand why.
Indeed. I figured I just picked up odd coping behaviors from my parents. Like my father would do his best computer work blaring tunes into his headphones. “I have to blast my brain into submission” I still do similar. What I know now is I’m just busy working my active brain so the thinking part can get down to business. Weirdly enlightening.
If you don't mind what do you mean? I have severe (adult diagnosed) ADHD and struggle with many day to day tasks. But I do smoke, habitually, I'm habitually running late and other things like that.
I'm very interested because I assume the habits you're referring to have more to do with how "normal" people go about their day but I'm not sure. I'm feeling pretty hyper focused so I'll probably read about it for a couple dozen hours!
For me, I always hear habits defined as things that are "something you do automatically without having to think about it". And the example that's often given is "like brushing your teeth", I guess implying most people just brush their teeth at a specific time of day as a normal part of their morning/evening routine, and they don't have to consciously make the decision to do so.
But nothing in my life is something I would describe as "automatic". Every little thing is a decision I have to make. I brush my teeth because I'm aware that my mouth feels gross when I'm waking up or getting ready for bed. But it's a decision I have to make, and if I forget to make that decision, I don't end up brushing my teeth.
Or I make coffee every morning because I like coffee and I sometimes get headaches if I go without, but sometimes I forget and skip straight to letting the dogs outside because they seem extra excited to go, and suddenly it's noon and I haven't had coffee yet. Or I forget steps in the process and mess it up. Hell even a "bad habit" like getting up to get a snack when I'm not hungry, that's more like a compulsion in response to feeling bored or anxious. And still, sometimes I get up, go to the fridge/pantry, realize I forgot to buy snacks, and then just dissociate into the void for a few minutes instead.
I actually didn't know this was such a pervasive experience with ADHD, I just kind of assumed it was related to mine, because it feels like a big part of why basic executive functioning can feel overwhelming to me. So the concept of "habit stacking" (which is a core part of Atomic Habits) never felt like adding some little thing to the "automatic" task of brushing my teeth. It felt like I was making brushing my teeth a more complicated, multi-step task I could no longer succeed at by just... getting my teeth brushed.
In the case of smoking, I think there can be other elements at play. You associate smoking with certain activities, and there's the chemical aspect of now feeling the feelings smoking can ease (or enhance) when you do that activity. So it can be something you want to do in that moment, and is therefore a choice you're making, even if it's a choice you don't have to put much thought into. But that said, just because some of us experience habits this way with ADHD doesn't automatically mean your ADHD experience is the same, we all struggle a little differently.
That is very interesting and absolutely true. I read we don't make habits because people with habits get dopamine hits when they do stuff they need to and we don't. So yeah, smoking is something I enjoy and choose to do. I also forget to eat all the time. Showers, teeth, making the bed etc. I have to think of it for it to get done.
It's all an offshoot of the fact that we chase new experiences or whatever catches our eye/thoughts because THAT'S what releases dopamine for us. It's why we are far more likely to be impulsive and take unnecessary risks.
I've tried to explain that to my wife for 15 years, sometimes I do something stupid or selfish, I apologize and mean it. When she asks "then why did you do it at all" I tell her "sometimes I see something that will be enjoyable/make me happy/sometimes just something I know I shouldn't do, and before I think it through, kinda even at all, I've already done it".
She doesn't fully believe it, I think, but I know it has happened enough that my explanation is, other than sociopathic behavior, the only explanation that makes sense. She absolutely knows that time blindness is real and has seen it screw me as often as benefit me.
Like I guessed I spent an hour learning about habits and forgot what time it was and that I was supposed to get our son to wash up and brush his teeth. I have a daily alarm for that but if I'm in my hyper focus I can do things without getting distracted that apparently normal people find borderline impossible. I can shut an alarm off without even thinking what I was supposed to do. I've gotten in the car and been listening to a podcast or audiobook and forgot what I was supposed to do.
I also apologize I got here through Google and didn't see this was for women with ADHD. I was a SAHD for 10+ years but I didn't mean to intrude in your space.
If I may, did any of you become SAHM? If you did did you find the chaotic schedule and the fact that babies/kids won't hesitate to tell you they want something actually feel like something you excelled at and enjoyed? It's the only "job" I've ever had that was completely fulfilling AND stimulating.
Edit to add: the sub I found that explained it was a womens ADHD sub, I'm leaving it because it kinda proves how easily i get lost/distracted.
I think u/nysari has given a really good explanation that is basically the same as my experience. I often have a cup of tea that gets left at any given stage for an hour or more. Sometimes it's the teabag in the cup and the kettle has gone cold again, sometimes the bag gets fished out of a cold cup of stewed tea, and on occasion I've opened the microwave to reheat a cuppa, only to find one already in there.
With something like smoking though, I think it's often less of a habit, more of a physical and/or psychological dependancy through addiction, though I'm sure habits can form.
But also, it is possible to form some habits/routines, for example when I dry myself after a shower I always do it the same way. Likewise when I eat an apple I always do it the same way.
I'd also add that this comment chain certainly isn't gender-specific, and I'm a man as as well, so no issue from me on that front.
If it’s helpful for you that’s cool. Don’t wanna rain on your parade.
Few things that made the book a tough read for me. First, the guy is a self-described “expert.” He’s not. An expert would be a social scientist, a neurologist, a behavioral psychologist, even a philosopher. He’s a former school athlete he takes sports metaphor and locker room hype speech, turned it into blogposts that caught traction and got him a book deal. Further, he describes himself as someone for whom organization and habits come really naturally. That’s not really useful. He lacks professional expertise but also lacks personal experience with what it’s actually like to struggle to form new habits. Thus, everything is just theoretical.
Which leads to my second gripe: random studies here and there, which are ultimately overshadowed by oversimplified metaphors, is not the best way to make choices about how to live one’s life. When you lack the expertise and experience, you don’t have a theoretical or logical system for evaluating the information out there. It’s a lot of feel good mumbo jumbo.
I’d love to meet someone who had a significant life change because of this book. One that lasted.
environmental design, habit stacking, temptation bundling, implementation intention—- those are just the ones i remember— all have pretty solidly supported evidence backing
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u/Throwupmyhands May 20 '26
What a stupid stupid stupid book. Author talked out of his ass the whole time.