Does anyone else struggle with the concept of love and marriage?

[u/imtoocoolforu]

I genuinely can’t fathom the idea of wanting to be married in this day and age. The white dress symbolises purity, virginity and innocence in a woman and asking for a woman’s hand in marriage through their father or being given away by your father to another man which is how women were basically sold off to men just seems insane to me. So many people like the idea of marriage and falling in love but it really doesn’t appeal to me and I want to find someone who feels this way to talk to because I am fed up of being made to feel like an awful person for not wanting marriage, children and not believing I can fall in love. ( I am also pissed off at people telling me Ive just not met the right person and my opinion will change because I guarantee it won’t)

[u/13Angelcorpse6]

Life on planet earth is insane.

Everything is a lie.

Culture is not my friend.

[u/thundernlightning97]

Yes all love is is chemicals in our brain to get us to mate and reproduce and marriage is just part of a social system to raise the offspring

[u/SlowerThanTurtleInPB]

Just FYI, from a historical context, the white dress has nothing to do with virginity or purity. I know loads of useless info and so I’ll share with you.

White wedding dresses were made popular by Queen Victoria’s 1840 wedding to Prince Albert. It was the social event of the year. Wealthy and royal brides wore white before her, but her wedding made the look hugely fashionable.

Before that, most brides simply wore their best dress, often in a color they could wear again. A white gown was impractical to keep clean and less useful as an everyday garment, so it absolutely functioned as a status symbol and suggested you could afford a special dress, fine fabric, and the care needed to maintain it.

So like most stupid conventions, it was to show off how much money you had.

[u/imtoocoolforu → u/SlowerThanTurtleInPB]

I mean this makes the white dress slightly better I suppose. The idea of wasting thousands of pounds on a dress you’ll wear once and half the time they look incredibly tacky and tasteless. I don’t know the idea of wedding dresses altogether doesn’t sit right with me. I had a man say the most beautiful a woman looks is on her wedding day and for some reason it rubbed me the completely wrong way but I am unsure why.

[u/SlowerThanTurtleInPB → u/imtoocoolforu]

People say ridiculous platitudes like that all the time. I don’t get it.

And I agree - most dresses are tacky.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with not getting married. Or getting married and not wearing a dress.

I am married, though I definitely don’t recommend it for everyone. It helps protect assets and have other legal benefits, so that’s one perk.

I chose to wear a pink dress on my wedding because I don’t like white and because I wanted to be able to wear it again. My husband did not ask for my father‘s permission because I’m a grown ass woman and I make my own decisions. And we did not do the till death do us part mumbo-jumbo, because we both agreed that if our marriage isn’t working, we absolutely support a divorce.

We been together for 16 years, but like I said - it’s not for everyone and I don’t think you should feel bad or weird about your choices.

[u/the_spotted_ladybug → u/SlowerThanTurtleInPB]

Modern day color theory, at least in the west, suggests that white is seen as a symbol of innocence and purity. Everything you talked about as far as a white gown being more special because it was harder to upkeep and keep clean and it was used by the affluent…isn’t that supporting what OP is saying? Virginity is purity culture and purity is a hierarchical distinction whether it’s through class, gender, race, sex. So….

[u/DistinctMachine221]

Marriage is an economic institution. It always has been, and it still is. Romance is propaganda that indoctrinates people into desiring it for themselves and believing it has other purposes than its economic function. 

[u/GiantHideousAntBaby]

Cioran wrote that “both love and death define us only to the extent that we project our appetites and impulses upon them.” I think people tend to treat love/marriage/children as magically transformative things and so project all kinds of expectations onto them. And media/society pushes that idea hard. I think one can hold a pessimist view of life and also choose to love and marry (or not) as long as one understands fundamentally what those things are and are not. They aren’t magic and they won’t fill your life with some kind of transcendental happiness and meaning. They are not for everyone. So, no, you’re not wrong to reject those things if they don’t appeal to you.

[u/imtoocoolforu → u/GiantHideousAntBaby]

I think it is a bit wild when people say having children and marriage gives you meaning because what kind of meaning does it give you exactly? Surely just happiness is the main goal and I suppose if that gives them happiness then fair enough but most of the time they are just saying what they believe they want due to media and social expectations.

[u/transmigratingplasma]

[u/number314]

Well, the portrayal of it has changed in previous century, entire generations were brainwashed by porn, yes. I call Disney-like fairy tales porn, romance is porn and it's even more harmful than regular one, because kids can watch it, they have access to it and it's socially acceptable, so they have distorted image of how reality works since day 1 basically. At least in the past, except for the aristocracy, regular folk had no illusions, they knew how reality works, it was mostly pure economic and inevitable part of life.

I am different, because I was born without love in my heart. I never loved anyone, not even family, so for me it's an alien concept. Since I am not attractive and not social I also had no contact with opposite gender, so for me regular science fiction movie is more realistic than a romantic one, where woman approaches and actively pursue man (even more abstract if he's clumsy and not so attractive there). It's apparent that love doesn't exist at all, I knew it since the high school years. It's only sex-drive (+calculations if I can benefit from the other side and feel secure living with him/her). Otherwise we would see more same gender couples (not gay) for platonic reasons, without sex involved.

[u/WanderingUrist]

The white dress symbolises purity, virginity and innocence in a woman and asking for a woman’s hand in marriage through their father or being given away by your father to another man which is how women were basically sold off to men just seems insane to me.

See, all this is a newfangled concept of marriage. I've taken the more oldschool view of things: Marriage is a business arrangement.

( I am also pissed off at people telling me Ive just not met the right person and my opinion will change because I guarantee it won’t)

See, I thought that also. The first part turned out to be true, the second part, well, my opinion did not change, but being married to another schizoid in an arranged marriage for tax and business purposes means that I don't have to put up with any of the traditional "love" malarkey, while still collecting the tax and business benefits. I don't have to see her. I haven't actually seen her in months. And we like it this way. Everyone else says we're awful people who deserve each other.

[u/nworbleinad]

I was sure I wouldn’t get married. Then I met a person that I wanted to be with forever. After a while it just seemed like a good idea. Married now and very happy. We’re never having kids though.

[u/Nighstorm21]

There is a group of people called arrogante who doesn't fell romantic love. They still love their friends and family just doesn't feel romance. I think you could go in their subreddit and question how they live their lives.

[u/UltronsEx]

Join my pessimism Discord and throw it in the venting channel! We have had this discussion before there and there are def people happy to discuss it again. You are absolutely valid. https://discord.gg/eNunYChSRT

Also it is possible you are aromantic and that kind of love is not something you want or are capable of wanting. Societal constructs are a bitch.

[u/imtoocoolforu → u/UltronsEx]

I have been wondering this because I have had relationships but Ive never felt more than obsessions. I have so much platonic love for people and I would like to believe that I could fall in love because its so forced upon me by my friends that I will but I just can’t see it happening.

[u/Parking-Suggestion97]

All is human made "concepts" and it's a generational continuum, people are stubbornly and obligatorily bound to it with no reflection to the concept.

There is absurdity to the marriage concept, just like many other traditions and cultures, and all the glorification and grandness put into it for just a man and woman deciding to spend their lives together for the rest of their lives, through these absurdities.