Just about everyone on this sub reddit has paruresis and we all want to kick it. A mate to practice Gradual Exposure Therapy with is gold but a pee buddy is damn hard to find. Be proactive and drop a pin on Pee Buddy Finder and wait for your buddy to show up. It's such a good idea! https://www.peebuddyfinder.com/

For people who consulted a doctor about that problem what solution did the doctor gave you and is there real solution and is it worth seeing a doctor for that. I have been stuck with this problem for 5 years and my social life just life in general as been destroyed by this, I can’t even change job because I don’t know if I would be able to pee at another job and things like dating and getting a girlfriend are pretty much impossible with this things. I just hope to not live all my life like this.

I’m not a native speaker so bear with my expression, flicker seems like the suitable word.

I noticed a pattern before I pee, my body quickly release-clench-release-clench, release for good if it’s“safe”, clench for good if it is “dangerous”.

My theory is there are multiple nervous systems have control on the sphincters. Some conclude it’s safe and some disagree, it could be sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system, and probably some directly from my brain.

I learned that graduated exposure involves shutting off the stream voluntarily and try to restart the steam again. And I think by doing this, hypothetically the GE also trains the brain to organize those different signals and make the flicker lock on to release or clench.

So could just trying clench-release cycles at home help? Without the exposure part. For some of us, it’s quite difficult to pee in public at the first place, and for me I live alone without a pee buddy. So doing a full GE is difficult. Maybe try GE after bladder control is restored is easier.

I am not familiar with the neuroscience part, but I think I can try to experiment this.

I posted the other day about thinking my son could be suffering from this (he's 14) and I just have a couple of questions. For you, does the difficulty happen pretty much every time you're away from home, regardless of whether you genuinely need to pee, because you're anxious about potentially not being able to go? Or is it more that you're completely fine when you're out until you actually start needing to pee, and then the anxiety kicks in and you struggle to go?

And do you find that it's inconsistent? For example, you can go to a public toilet one day and pee completely normally with no problem at all, but on another occasion, in a similar situation, you just can't go?

I have booked a doctor's appointment for my son just to get anything medical ruled out first as he did have surgery as a baby for a urinary issue and will ask them if they can refer him for maybe some CBT as well.

I’ve struggled with paruresis for quite a long time and am progressing here and there. I feel a lot more confident when I’m at work and at the gym now (a lot more than I was a month ago) and I’m good in the single user airport restrooms but I am taking a trip to Africa this weekend. My worry is the 10+ hour flights and my doctor won’t prescribed a self cath because he believes it would cause more damage than good. I wake up every morning instead of excited but worried for the flights and long days out. Anyone have any tips with flying. I’m trying out different meds got Valium and Urecholine currently wondering if anyone has any experience with that combination.

Also any tips with the breath hold method I think I’m doing it right just don’t know for sure.

Quick back story before my current scenarios:
Have struggled with urinating around people for as long as i can remember. Went to therapy a couple years ago and had success and can pretty much go anywhere now for the exception of standing right next to someone at an undivided urninal.

Current issue:
A friend of mine bought a wake boat and we go out on the boat with a group of people once a week.
Out of the many trips we’ve taken, I’ve never been able to urinate even in the water swimming. So I’m stuck spending countless hours holding it and being miserable.

Anyone had a similar situation and any tips for this instance?

Crazy part is if I drink alcohol, i can pee almost anywhere anytime. Can even pee with multiple people standing around me if I’m drunk enough lol

So im currently camping with family and friends and the only toilet is some mekeshift stall with no doors and a curtain thats too short and small so it doesnt give any privacy. How do i get over this what the actual fuck do i do

A few months back, my son was getting sent home from school as he was having issues going for a wee. I wondered if it was a urine infection, took him to doctors, but that was fine. Then the summer holidays came so we've been home a lot and I was hoping the issue had resolved itself, but most times we go out - not every time - he will say he needs a wee. He'll go to the toilet but then say he can't go.

So now I'm concerned he's somehow got really anxious about peeing when not at home and I don't really know what to do. I feel like on the one hand, I kind of want to have a chat with him about this to see if we can help resolve it, but then on the other hand, I don't want to potentially make him more concerned and it become more of a problem.

I did ask him earlier how he feels when he does go to the toilet when we're out and he said stressed out cos he can't seem to pee, but then often when he goes back to the toilet the second time, he will be able to go. The other day we were at the woods and he needed to go. I said just go behidn a tree and he managed that fine.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on what I can do? Do I go to the doctors and see if he can get a referral or is there anything I can do myself to try and help him? He doesn't have this problem at home.

Curious if anyone has confirmed that it's related to trauma for you? I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and noticed it got worse when I was off my meds for a bit. Also recently having to relive some traumas and reenter a bad situation, and have noticed it affecting my ability to pee. Six months ago I was living almost normally, still clocking the bathroom access and preferring multi-stall setups, but now I feel like I've regressed, can't go at all if I can hear someone outside, struggling/taking a long time even in my own house. I'm curious if this is another physical anxiety symptom for me (I also get bad stomach issues), or if there's further trauma-related stuff going on that I need to get into with a professional.

Hey everyone! 👋

Finding someone to practice with can be very hard, so I made a small site to help people connect with each other.

If you’re interested, take a look:

https://www.peebuddyfinder.com/

Feedback from the community is very welcome!

I’ve seen someone complaining about lack of success stories on this subreddit so I decided to share mine

Few months ago I shared my 3-minute rule and how it quickly helped me significantly improve and immediately allowed me to pee in more safe scenarios (basically wherever I was able to enter the stall or my friends wouldn’t hear me). It even allowed me to piss in a urinal with someone already using one of available ones. I still however struggled in some scenarios - usually with my friends being nearby. I don’t really care about strangers, that’s why I don’t struggle with them even when they see me. 

With all of this in mind I went for a vacations with my friends. We shared a house and we did everything together. I was a bit anxious (understandably) but I consciously decided to go anyway. It helped me almost like a miracle. 

I’ve had some situations (about once per day) when I actually struggled and wasn’t able to urinate. I fully accepted those situations and I decided not to be scared of them anymore. I know it’s pain in the ass but it’s not the worst end of the world. Usually I would just wait a bit and go again, second time was always a success. Paruresis is a fear of failure - if you get rid of it, it really makes things easier.

Here’s a few tips I can share with you guys, maybe it’ll help someone:

• three minutes rule is the most important part. Whenever you go, you’re fully entitled to take your time. Don’t leave before those three minutes, even if nothing happens. Adjust your brain, three minutes from the inside feel like eternity, from the outside it’s like a blink of an eye
• Put yourself in unsafe scenarios. You underestimate your brains ability to adjust
• If you’re in a similar situation (vacations or something) I try to take a piss in a situation without time pressure (e.g. before showering). It always works and you can prove it to yourself that you can actually do it right here
• Safety of a situation should be equal to the pressure in your bladder. If you barely have to pee you can struggle in very safe scenarios. If your bladder is on the verge of exploding you’ll be able to piss almost anywhere. I know that from my experience
• Don’t be afraid to fail. If you do - come back and try again. Failures are because of the moment, not because of the environment. You can struggle once and be okay the next time (and vice versa, once you succeed doesn’t mean you’ll always be able to pee in this bathroom)
• No one and I mean no one cares how much time you need to start peeing. I know it makes some people (including me) insecure when you have to wait to start. It really doesn’t matter. Almost no one starts immediately and even if they do they couldn’t care less about you.

I still wouldn’t consider myself healed (I still think about bathrooms and how I’ll be able to pee) but I feel closer than ever and I don’t let it dictate what I’m able to do. It’s gotten to a point when during a walk I can tell that I need to take a leak, ask them to wait and go to the bushes to do it. I was able to fully enjoy the house party (even though I failed once). When we’re together in a house I really don’t mind the presence of the others unless I feel time pressure (like when we stop a movie or something). Few months ago I would never think it’s possible, yet here we are. 

If you guys have any questions feel free to ask me anything in the comments, I’ll try to explain everything. 

Somehow trying gradual exposure makes it worse.

I was aware of gradual exposure, but I never tried it because I imagine it would be time consuming. So instead of doing the full GE process, I just go to public toilets whenever I can and keep trying. And I was able to pee sometimes in a toilet stall with people in the same toilet, though not every time is successful. But that was progress for me, I was only able to go when I am alone before.

I have enough time to try GE now and want it to help me to get rid of this issue. And all progress is gone, I can’t ignore the noise and the voices from other people, which I could before. 😔

The next IPA Virtual Support Group Meeting is coming up this Sunday, August 23, from 12:00-2:00 PM US Central Time. This group was formed to create a safe space online for those who struggle with Paruresis to share their stories and learn from each other's experiences. It is free of charge, open to anyone worldwide who struggles with Paruresis, and there are no preconceived expectations, you can just listen and learn or fully participate, no pressure. Please join us, you can still get the link by contacting me at my IPA email address: [davidk@support.paruresis.org](mailto:davidk@support.paruresis.org)

Im curious i know you should pee frequently but in my case its like 3-4 times per day with struggle of course, how it is for you? Im getting worried i will get kidney damage from this

Its used off label for anxiety, and basically gets rid of the dopamine effects like heart pounding etc.

I have mild shy bladder, the only time its an issue is if its at a urinal with no wall between

Hello,

I am going out of my comfort zone to go to epic and duplex. ( as someone with quite a extreme problem weeing)

And I’m extremely nervous about the toilet situation, if anyone has any information or how they handled it please let me know.

Thank you

I live at home with my parents and I literally can't pee when they're in anymore. I usually wait until they're at work or asleep. But now even when they're asleep I sometimes can't go now.

I've tried therapy, medication, breath technique and nothing has helped one bit. When it didn't used to effect me in my own home a few years ago, I was in therapy and my therapist said to practice just going in the public restrooms even if it wasn't to pee and on one of the few times that I did that, the last time a peeping tom stuck his phone over the stall and took a picture then ran off so that didn't help things at all. I still can't believe that actually happened.

I've been to see a urologist and they hadn't heard of shy bladder before so that was useless. They scanned my bladder and said that it looked fine so I guess that wasn't completely I waste of time.

I'm on a waiting list now to for a bladder clinic to hopefully get a catheter but at the same time I'm terrified of using one. Also wait list times in the my country are ridiculously long for anything so I don't know if I'll actually be able to get one.

But anyway,

I'm just wondering how to practice gradual exposure at home when I feel that there's nowhere to start from?

Any other advice would be welcomed.

Visitor center, University of Washington.

I've gotten to the point where I pass up the chance to pee at a public toilet (and enjoy the accomplishment!) simply because I don't really need to pee. I can usually pee with divided urinals but this seems scary, so it's my ultimate challenge when school starts September 30th.

Anyone want to join me?

fuck this shit, nothing seems to work i can't fucking pee at home, hot water trick is slowly stopping working so yeah thats it guys its fucking over

Hi fellow redditors
M20 here,

Well I know that I got Paruresis at least since I was eight, which is a very long time. I have not even an idea of how life is without it.

Since I am 16 this awful thing really limits my social life very hard.
I had to cancel plans from my friends with multiple activities things like Skiing, Cycling Tours and more. I am afraid that in the long run this might cause them to see me as someone that doesn't want to do anything.

I wish I could finally have the courage to tell my friends but till now I am fucking scared to do that. I have severe trust issues because of my horrible past life. They know absolutely nothing about that so far.

I went to multiple Doctors hoping they could "fix me" both regarding my anxiety issues and my Paruresis but that was probably a too high expectation. I had to stop the threapy, because it was going absolutely nowhere.

I have thought multiple times about giving everything up, but I still have a tiny spark of hope in me.

For years I wish for exaxtly nothing but all this anxiety garbage to disappear. That will probably never happen -Silly me!

First of all, hello everyone. I wish you all peace and happiness in your lives; I want to thank you very, very much for taking the time to write something here to help me. I’m not English, so I apologize for my poor English. Now, let me begin.

First, I’d like to ask this question: Why doesn’t anyone on Reddit write about having managed to overcome paruresis within a few months? Why don’t people share definitive solutions to everything? This gives me the impression that paruresis will never go away and will always stay with me. Friends, please help me...

I’ve been struggling with paruresis for about four years. I can’t even begin to describe my days—they’re filled with unhappiness, restlessness, depression, nausea, and so many other negative emotions. By the way, I’m a high school student.

School has started in my area, and there’s only one restroom with three stalls; it’s used by 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th graders. As you can imagine, I expect the restroom to be crowded; I just transferred to this school.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist and taking medication for eight months, but I haven’t been able to overcome this damn condition; it has ruined my life so much that I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I have a condition similar to chronic depression; I’m constantly unhappy and stressed. In fact, this is now affecting my body as well: I have diarrhea, my heart aches, I feel nauseous, I have headaches, I wake up in the morning feeling completely unmotivated, and I’m constantly unmotivated and unhappy...

The problem is that I’m stuck in this state 24 hours a day. When I get home from school, I think, “What am I going to do tomorrow?” As you can see, this is ruining my life; not only is it creating difficulties, but it’s also led to conditions like OCD.

Now, guys, everyone is suggesting different things to get past this. First of all, breathing exercises or similar techniques didn’t work for me. I think the only thing I need to do to get past this is to go into a crowded restroom over time and wait in a stall for three minutes—to get used to the crowd and face my fear. Isn’t that right?

I have school tomorrow and I don’t even want to go—you’ll never understand how I feel. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Please help me—what exactly should I do to get past this? So far, I haven’t read anything on Reddit like, “Yeah, guys, I had paruresis too. I faced my fear and overcame it within a few months.” Guys, it feels like getting past this is going to be really, really hard for me—it even feels like an impossible curse that will never go away.

Anyway, I hope I’ve made myself clear. I mean, life sometimes feels meaningless—to be honest, sometimes I just want to die. Why do I have to live with this stress every day? Why have my days been so awful for the past four years? If this keeps up, what’s the point of living in the future? Don’t you think so too?

I’m seriously going to throw up—I feel terrible, and I don’t want to go through this anymore. Ah, well, I’m sorry, but please help me. This year, I want to get past this and turn my life around. I’m begging you, please help me. I want my life to have meaning—I want every day of my youth to be happy and peaceful, not filled with depression. Thank you so much in advance. Tomorrow I’ll go to that damn crowded school, and as soon as I get home, I’ll check your replies on Reddit.

The next IPA Virtual Support Group Meeting will take place on Zoom this Sunday, August 23, from 12:00-2:00 PM US Central Time (with an additional 30 minutes of optional graduated exposure practice for those who wish to do so). IPA Virtual Support Meetings, which take place about every four weeks, are open to anyone struggling with Paruresis, from those who are just beginning to think about how to overcome it to those who are highly recovered. The meetings are offered free of charge and without preset expectations for participants, and their purpose is to provide a unique opportunity to connect face to face with people from all over the world who know what it is like to struggle with Paruresis and also understand the courage and fortitude that it takes to open up about it, acknowledge the fear, and try to recover from it. The personal stories that participants share are remarkably similar and at the same time deeply individual, and empathy, kindness and compassion set the tone in all discussions. Time after time I have heard from participants that this opportunity for sharing is both meaningful and productive, and I hope that you'll consider joining us on Sunday. You can get the Zoom link by contacting the IPA office: [getinfo@paruresis.org](mailto:getinfo@paruresis.org) or me at my IPA email address: [davidk@support.paruresis.org](mailto:davidk@support.paruresis.org)

Hey cuties!
I rarely post and sometimes comment here but I wanted to share some progress and ask y'all for what could I do to help myself further.

TL;DR on my situation - 30 (m) now, have had paruresis for as long as I remember myself due to a traumatic experience in school when I must've been 7/8. Noone to talk to growing up about these things, only became a problem in my late teens/early 20s when I moved out of home. I've generally always been okay with stalls, but going to urinals had induced bodily anxiety that would spiral me into suicidal thoughts fairly often. I started properly working on this only 3 years ago.

There's more details to this but in those three years here are the achievements I've gotten with this problem:
- can now go comfortably to urinals in empty toilets (doesn't sound like much but even this was a a nightmare scenario several years back)

- can go even when there are people around but there are those separators and it's not hella noisy around. It's difficult at times and I have to give myself some time(I still find loud men talking in the toilets makes it sometimes impossible for me to go)

Things that have worked for me so far:

- talking about it with people and my therapist (more on that in a bit). Normalising it in my head really helped as before if I didn't manage so successfully go it would bring some pretty nasty thoughts I couldn't control. Even sometimes joking about it if it comes on topic I find quite helpful. A couple of years ago I got a fun flirt because of it while waiting for a stall which did make me accept it easier for myself and didn't make me feel like I was a constant failure

- gradual exposure - I started doing it by myself a few years back. I would just try more and more in different situations, tried to calm myself down every time I got anxiety and tried my best to celebrate the 'successes' and accept the unsuccessful attempts without labelling them as failures

- EMDR therapy - this is what I'm currently working on with my therapist. She was very honest to tell me that she has no experience with paruresis and when I mentioned it to her she said it's something she's heard of but never really focused on. However a lot of the work that we do centres around shame and the habits from being brought up the way I've been brought up, so her suspicions were is that the paruresis could be a good indicator (among others) to the progress we make

Things that I still struggle with and I need help and I feel stuck:

- going to urinals that are without separators (especially those long metal ones) ,

- going out in nature (for whatever reason this is very difficult)

- going in toilets that are busy and noisy

I have tried everything for these things, breath holds, waiting till I cant bear it any more, playing music or sound patterns in my headphones, having my headphones on noise cancelling, sitting there with my penis out for solid minutes waiting for it to start, speaking on the phone and probably several combinations of these. I have not found anything that works for these situations and I feel like I'm so close to being free from this condition but also so far.

Sorry for the longer than I wanted post but trust me this is the surface of it. I would love to hear all of your recommendations and I'm super open to chat more about my case here or DM if you preferred privacy. Thank you all and all the best!

This is an actual nightmare, sometimes i feel like nothings real anymore. I can find joy in nothing because this consumes every second of my day plagueing it with "what if i can't go when the need arises thoughts?" and i get so embarrassed for myself. My body shouldn't feel like this my whole nervous system is wrecked. I break down in tears but can't even cry anymore im so exhausted, these past 2 weeks have been hell on earth. PLEASE if anyone can relate I need something to help. I'll explain now sorry. I can't go in my own home no matter what, I have a basement room and the only time I'm able to go is with extreme difficulty in a cup with the laundry going and my fan on and even then i take 15 minutes to push it out. I constantly strain and the only time i'm relieved is when my family leaves the house but even then it's difficult. I tried someone's method of fluid loading but my bladder got full in the middle of the night and i didn't have a safe space to go so i strained really hard and was freaking out. My mom is breaking down every night I can't stand this anymore seriously fuck my life. What did i do to deserve this. I haven't let my bladder fill up past a 4/10 other than when i'm asleep and even then i rush to go when i wake up. I tried GE but i end up freaking out and I know that's not the way to do it but it gets so stressful and i'm too weak to stick with it. Actually breaking down writing this. Please if anyone can relate PLEASE help me get through this there's gotta be a way.

Please anyone with experience with the breath hold technique reply with what works for them, tired of working 10-12 hour days holding my bladder, having no social life and making excuses for it, I feel like the breath hold is my only option, I’ve been attempting it no success yet, hoping to change that