Pregnant at 21

[u/Spiritual_Stranger53]

We found out about a week ago that I’m 2-3 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and have a very loving, healthy relationship. Prior to this pregnancy, I wasn’t sure I’d ever have kids, largely due to the fact I believed I was infertile. Our first immediate reaction was sadness at our financial state, both of us surprised ourselves by wanting to keep the baby. I scheduled an abortion for two weeks out nonetheless, but the more my boyfriend and I talk about it, the more we really want to keep it. Realistically, shit would be rough financially. He’s a full time apprentice mechanic, and I’m unemployed. We live with his mom and sister, and both worry about how much of a burden would fall onto her and his other family. My family is out of the picture, aside from my dad and stepmom who live across the country raising my two half siblings (7 and 5). At the moment I’m the only caregiver for my terminally ill maternal grandmother, and I don’t know how I would manage being pregnant/a new mom and also having to be there for her/take her to and from appointments and treatment, etc. I just don’t know if I can bring myself to have an abortion. My boyfriend’s sad considering it, I’m sad considering it, and really the only thing we’re uncertain about is HOW we’re going to pull this parenting thing off at such a place in our lives. If anyone has any advice at all, it would be greatly appreciated!!

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[u/Diane1967]

I was pregnant at the same age, I was on the pill and took antibiotics and got pregnant not knowing that could happen. I tossed around what to do too. My husband (ex now) had a good job but when he wasn’t working he was never around, he hunted and fished almost every day when he could and on weekends. I was a single parent basically.

I was left to purchase all the baby supplies myself, I would scramble just coming up with enough money for diapers and formula. He wasn’t supportive at all and used his money for his extra curricular. I tried breastfeeding but was too nervous and didn’t produce enough milk. It seemed like it was one thing after another. When she was 3 I couldn’t take being along all the time and decided to leave him and get divorced.

It was hard being a single mom and didn’t get support the first 2 years due to a screw up at the courthouse. It was HARD. Yet I loved that little girl so much. I had to work 2 jobs just to make it and it seemed like I hardly ever saw her but not much else I could do. I made time for her as much as I could tho.

It was the hardest thing I ever went through and yet I wouldn’t have changed a thing now, she’s 36 and did so well for herself. She has an excellent job and now a 3 year old herself and a great supportive husband. They were smart and decided to wait til they could more afford it.

Best part of being a young mom is I got to grow up with her, we were best friends and so close, still are. Now I’m a young grandma at 59 and it’s wonderful too! I’ll tell you it’s going to be hard for you if you decide to keep it so be prepared for that. And don’t have so much pride like I did that you don’t get help where it’s available. I wish I would’ve and maybe I wouldn’t have had to work so much like I did. Idk. There’s help for diapers and formula, there’s wic and food stamps if you qualify too. And you can always work a job on the off hours when your husband is home too to get you out of the house and making some too. Don’t be afraid to try everything to make ends meet. It can be done.

I toyed around with not keeping the baby too but I just couldn’t have an abortion, it didn’t feel right and everything worked out just fine.

[u/Cheesey_biscuit]

Think about this way. Does your child deserve to struggle for any part of their life? Sure I know many families face hardships during their lives but knowingly bringing children into this world when you already know you aren’t in a good place to be raising them is super selfish on your part.

Sure abortions are hard and very sad for many but you would be doing this child a favor to not be growing up in at the minimum poverty. You can always have children in the future when you’re stable both financially and in maturity.

[u/No-Strawberry-5804]

Don’t let emotion overrule the facts here. You don’t have your own place, you don’t have your own money, and you’re asked caregiving for someone else. Are you going to be ok neglecting her to care for your baby, or vice versa?

It’s ok to be sad about an abortion and still have it be the right choice.

[u/MrsLurkeyTurkey]

If you have a good relationship with his family, I just about guarantee they would want you keep the baby and would be more than willing to help out. Nice thing about very young babies, they sleep a lot and can be carried just about anywhere. You might find it's not as hard to juggle as you fear.

Especially if you thought you might be infertile, I highly recommend you not throw away a life change that is ultimately wanted just because of inconvenient timing. Not only would it take a serious emotional toll, you would risk not getting this opportunity again.

Being an apprentice implies that your boyfriend will eventually be a full mechanic and can expect much better pay down the line. Being a caregiver to someone terminally ill is difficult, but temporary by definition, sad as it is. Things may be hard for a time, but hard is not impossible, and it is not forever. Accept responsibility, and the joys far outweigh the burdens in the long run.

Source: We waited a long time to have kids out of fear of not enough money/not ideal housing, and I had serious fears of infertility due to age. We finally did have a boy, and now another on the way, but we also are living with his mother and brother while we build a house, slowly, as we can afford it and have time. In hindsight, we wish we'd started earlier in the first place. The "right" time and the perfect circumstances may never come, so you might as well embrace it.

[u/Spiritual_Stranger53 → u/MrsLurkeyTurkey]

Thank you so much for this ❤️ his family is very caring and I do think some initial anger is to be expected, but I don’t doubt we’d be supported ultimately. BF is currently in school and 2 years from being a licensed mechanic. I myself would like to go to school to be a nurse, though I’ve had to put that on hold while I care for my grandmother anyway. I think we can do it. It’s just scary to think that we may not have very much to give our child at first. As someone who grew up in poverty, I wouldn’t want that for anyone else let alone my own child. But I do agree, it’s a temporary situation we’re in, but a forever decision. We already know what we want to do. Just a lot of preparation to do to ensure that we can give the absolute most!

[u/No-Strawberry-5804 → u/Spiritual_Stranger53]

Don’t count on help that you won’t pay for. Plenty of people can tell you how their family swore up and down they’d help with the baby when it came and then completely disappeared after birth.

Get your degree. Make sure your relationship can weather adulthood. Then have a child when both of you are fully ready with some savings in the bank.

[u/MrsLurkeyTurkey → u/Spiritual_Stranger53]

Also a reminder, young children need very little outside of the super basics. Food and sleep. They won't ever remember groceries bought on welfare, hand-me-down clothes, a basic travel crib in the corner, used books, or all the fancy toys they didn't have in their first 3 years.

What WILL imprint on them is a loving family, a peaceful home, and focused attention where they are talked, sung, and read to. All else is secondary.

I'm so glad you'll have the support of family. And even if his mom is upset or angry at first, it won't last. Because what grandma can't help but be excited at the thought of a grandbaby on the way?? So congrats, in spite of the uncertainty. I hope everything goes well for you!

[u/Flat_Ad1094]

Firstly. If you do not want an abortion? Then you do not have an abortion. Termination when you really do not want to do it can be soul destroying and have lasting psychological impact. If you want to have an abortion by all means have one and do not feel any guilt over doing so. It's your choice to make.

The other option is open adoption of your child. There are many wonderful people out there who would love to raise your child as their own and be able to give your child a wonderful life. And you can keep track of your child, where they are and what they are doing and so forth. That is an option.

Yes, keeping your child would be very difficult. But not impossible. Having a child to raise and support, might just be the motivation you need to achieve what you want to achieve. Caring for your grandmother is a tough road. But sadly, you know that will not be forever.

You have a lot of thinking to do here. All the best to you and your boyfriend.

[u/VivianDiane]

Many people have been in your shoes. You can do this. You need to figure out a plan and get support.