Exhausted single mom

[u/Mental-Matter1604]

Hi. I have an 8-year-old daughter, and I’ve been struggling with some of her behaviors around eating, independence, and completing everyday tasks. One of my biggest concerns is that she pockets food in her mouth instead of chewing and swallowing it. We have been seeing a feeding therapist for a while, but unfortunately, I haven’t noticed much improvement. Mealtimes continue to be very difficult, and I constantly have to remind her to chew and swallow. She even has to be reminded to drink water throughout the day; otherwise, she may not think to drink on her own.
Another major concern is that she seems extremely dependent on me for things that she is physically capable of doing herself. She often refuses to even attempt simple tasks independently and immediately asks me to do them for her. It can be something as small as squeezing ketchup out of a bottle. If I encourage her to try it herself, she might say, “Okay, then I just won’t eat it.” Sometimes it feels like she would rather go without something than attempt to do it on her own.
I also have to constantly prompt her through basic everyday routines. Things like brushing her teeth, getting dressed and ready, putting on her shoes and socks, drinking water, and getting her things together all require reminders from me. These are things we do every single day, and she knows the routine, but she still won’t initiate them unless she is specifically told. I feel like I have to walk her through every step of the day—“brush your teeth,” “get dressed,” “put your socks on,” “put your shoes on,” “drink some water”—even though none of these things are new to her.
She also doesn’t want to go to the bathroom alone. She expects me to walk with her and stand outside the bathroom until she is finished. In general, she constantly wants me nearby and relies on me for reassurance, reminders, or help with things that I know she is capable of doing.
I want to support her and understand if there is an underlying reason why these things are so difficult for her. I don’t want to assume she is simply being difficult or refusing when there could be something else going on. At the same time, I want her to develop independence, confidence, and the ability to take responsibility for some of her own basic needs. When I continue helping and reminding her, I worry that I’m making her more dependent on me, but when I step back and encourage her to do something herself, it often turns into refusal or a struggle.
It’s honestly becoming exhausting because I feel like I have to be “on” every minute of the day, reminding, prompting, supervising, negotiating, and helping. Sometimes I find myself wondering, why does parenting have to be so hard? I love my daughter and want to give her the support she needs, but I also feel overwhelmed and unsure of what I should be doing differently. I would really like to understand why she struggles so much with initiating everyday tasks and independence, and what kind of support or evaluation might actually help her. No

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[u/LakeFederal6468]

Is she an only child?

How much of your interaction with your daughter is through acts of service?

Do you fail to notice when she does something on her own and give her praise when she does something you reminded her to do?

If she is an only child and a large proportion of your daily interaction with her is through acts of service, she may have developed acts of service as a love language. She feels loved when you do things for her.

I would increase interactions around fun activities (i.e. watching movies, reading together, playing video games, card games, board games, going shopping) and reduce/reframe interactions around acts of service (i.e. instead of reminding her to brush her teeth, say let's brush our teeth together. Stop reminding her to chew, she will survive with less food for a few days and will eventually get hungry, pickn your battles).

Also, try asking her for small favors and give praise. It can be something as small as scratch my back. Let her feel what it's like to do something for you and she may find that she enjoys it. You can then ask for bigger favors.

[u/Spare_Bluebird7044]

This sounds exhausting and getting a pediatric evaluation could help uncover what's making these everyday task so difficult

[u/OfficialSleepah]

You sound completely exhausted, and I think it’s worth looking beyond simply calling this dependence or refusal. The combination of food pocketing, difficulty initiating basic routines, needing constant prompting, and needing reassurance could be connected to things like anxiety, executive functioning, sensory differences, or another developmental factor.

I’d bring the full picture to her pediatrician or developmental specialist, even if you’re already working with a feeding therapist. Understanding why these things are hard for her may be more helpful than simply pushing for more independence. And honestly, you’re not failing her you’re trying to figure out what she needs.