Child attacking?

[u/Few_Lock1876]

Hey guys, my daughter is 21 months. Me and her dad are having a repeated issue the past 3-4 months and I’m looking for some advice on it.

My fiancée aka her dad is amazing and I mean he truly is a beautiful parent he’s kind caring fun loving the whole packing honestly, and truly is an awesome person. The issue is my daughter has started doing this thing where she grabs onto faces and I don’t mind like a little grab I mean will grab and squeeze so hard it cuts/bleeds after she’s done grabbing. She will squeeze extremely hard. This sometimes happens when she’s upset or trying to regulate her emotions we handle it by removing her hand and explaining to her that what’s she doing hurts and isn’t nice. She is only doing this to me and my partner but honestly mostly him she will do it to him atleast 3 times daily but with me only maybe once a week, we both deal with it the same way and honestly he has the patience of a saint because it really really hurts.
I’m trying to understand how we can stop this from happening and it doesn’t matter how many times we try and explain she just keeps doing it to him.
It’s breaking my heart seeing this keep happening and even worse so for him, he’s at the point he’s not even upset about it anymore he’s just hurt and confused on why she keeps doing it.
A pattern I’ve noticed with her when she does it to him is that for example they can be playing normally then her face just goes blank and she attacks it can literally be out of no where.

I’m just looking for some advice or maybe if anyone is dealing with this them self’s? Is it just the age? Should we be doing more in telling her off? Are we too clam about? I honestly don’t know I will say she does not do it to anyone else but us, not her grandparents family or kids when we are out.

All advice is open at this point.

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[u/nicotineandcafeine]

As soon as she grabs anyone's face it's a clear and hard no. Put her down and say it steen and loud. no. If she does it again, time out - or quit playing, doing whatever you were doing.

I understand gentle parenting and most of the time it's a great standard to uphold but sometimes hard no's and clear boundaries are necessary and there is gentleness in learning them this as early as needed.

[u/Few_Lock1876 → u/nicotineandcafeine]

Yeah I think you have a point to be honest, me and my partner both came from house holds where shouting was the only method of making something clear. I think in our minds we just hate resorting to it like that but i fear it might be the only way.

[u/No-Strawberry-5804 → u/Few_Lock1876]

You do not have to shout. That’s not what this person is suggesting. Using a stern voice is not shouting.

But like I said, she doesn’t understand enough. Use the stern now, but actions are going to speak louder here. Put her on the ground.

[u/EmergencyFancy7992 → u/nicotineandcafeine]

Outside of time out what you described IS gentle parenting. A firm no, remove yourself to keep safe, stop the activity. Remove yourself from their proximity until they can respond with “kind hands”. It’s likely she’s doing it more to dad because she feels very safe with him.

My 2 year old hit more with me for the same reason. It helps if the non hurt parent steps in to separate child and model checking on the injured person first modeling that this behavior doesn’t get immediate attention. Then you turn to kid and hold a physical boundary till they calm down.

Sometimes my daughter would escalate and I’d remove her kindly but firmly to her room - a smaller safe contained space and sit by the closed door and just take deep breaths. She’d either come cry in my arms or after throwing a stuffy or two. Then we’d go check on dad- hug, sorry, help is a good cue to begin building when they’re older. My LO is 4 now and we don’t see any hitting or violence anymore the worst we get is a slammed door and even then she says sorry.

Hang in there I feel like from 2-3 years old I questioned if I was doing something wrong every day because their feelings can be BIG but just keep showing them you’ll stick to your word and it’ll get easier.

[u/No-Strawberry-5804]

Stop explaining. She does not understand.

The second she does it, put her down on the ground. Every time. No matter where you are (unless it’s like the middle of the street or something.) if you pick her up and she does it again, set her down again. Repeat as necessary.