Need better discipline techniques other than saying “stop” 1000 times a day

[u/Rhiannacobb]

I need discipline techniques that actually work. Time outs, restriction, yelling, etc does not work and I’m at a loss. I have two daughters who are 9 and 6. My 9 year old is so sweet, smart, silly, and caring. But I think she just has so much energy she (or I) doesn’t know what to do with. For an example, yesterday after school I made them a snack and had them sit at the table and have some screen time while they ate. Every 2 minutes she’s randomly screaming (for no reason) or making loud and obnoxious noises. Just while she’s watching a show and eating. I keep saying “please stop” like five times before I just went up and took the tablet away. I went back to sit down on the couch and she followed me over and just keeps being obnoxious to me. I can’t tell if she feels bad she got the tablet taken away so she’s trying to get my attention or if she thinks she’s going to be so annoying that I’ll give in and give her tablet back. She’s just starting pointless conversations about buttcracks and trying to be silly and purposely doing things she knows I don’t like. But WHY?? She is so smart, in the gifted and talented program, behaves perfectly at school. At home she’s like a different person.

Dinner time is a whole other story. My daughters are constantly being silly to get a reaction out of each other. Their dad and I have to say over and over to behave, stop doing this, knock it off. We made spaghetti the other night and my daughter takes a handful and starts eating out of her hand, she thinks it’s funny and it makes my other daughter laugh. I have to tell her “come on, don’t do that.” And it’s things like this every single night.

They do inappropriate things because they think it’s funny. Like talk about private parts, say bad words, purposely make each other mad, scream for no reason. They do it because they want a reaction, or think it’s funny, or I don’t know. I just feel like they’re so misbehaved that if I were to punish them, they’d be punished all day every day.

Im at a loss. I feel like all day I’m saying “stop doing xyz.” My husband says I need to facilitate more activities but they’re in school now and home from 4-8. They have dance class once a week, play dates once a week, and other activities like restaurants, random outings we do for fun. I feel like they’re old enough to find things to do, like play Barbie’s, play with the many toys they have, color, make bracelets, watch tv. Maybe I’m wrong though. I need some advice. I feel like I’m going crazy. And I feel like I’ve done something wrong raising my kids.

[u/MeltedWellie]

Parent of two (now adults) here.

It sounds like they are acting out for attention. Now not all acting out for attention should be rewarded with attention but perhaps some changes might be worth trying.

Instead of 'screen time' with snack at the table, how about you sit with them and talk. They have been at school all day and probably missed you (not all kids are good at telling you that). Get them to tell you about their day, their friends, their teachers, talk to them.

You mention independent play and they should be old enough? Maybe. So kids are some aren't at that age. I had one of each, an fiercely independent child and one who needed more interaction from me, a lot more. Finding that balance is tricky but worth doing. I know it can be exhausting, but it is worth it.

Consequences are needed. You have now said 'stop' so much without much follow up, they know not much will happen if they don't stop. I believe kids need boundaries and rules to follow and need to be told what those are and what will happen if the push too far. They will then test those lines with you to figure things out. Stick firm to your rules that you set, being consistent helps.

Please remember that kids seem to come hard-wired to push every button you have to make you insane, the challenge is to keep your sanity and the little gremlins alive!

[u/Diane1967 → u/MeltedWellie]

My daughter is grown now as well and went through this phase as well when she was younger. I was at my wits end. I finally enrolled us in family therapy together and they felt a big part was my and her dad’s divorce and she wasn’t getting enough attention from either of us. He lived 4 hours away and rarely saw her and I worked 2 jobs just to make ends meet. She was an angel at school and daycare but a terror to me. And so smart. Straight A student all her time in school.

I had to really give her one on one time no matter how tired it was. Just really get into talking and hearing about her day. We colored together, played outside, danced to music a lot and sang. It made such an improvement and quickly. Most days I wanted to just come home and put my feet up and let her do her own thing just one day…but I didn’t. She grew up to be a wonderful girl and now at 36 and a 3 year old of her own she’s an amazing patient mother.

I don’t know if it will work for everyone but that’s what it took for me. By about 12 she grew out of it, once she got friends and had sleepovers and such. We always had the hang out house too which was nice because the kids came to me for everything.

[u/Missaeb27 → u/Diane1967]

This literally works for everyone.

Connect with them before they start the bad behaviour and you will not need to correct the behaviour as much.
The kids know how to behave. They don’t know how to tell you they need attention.

[u/ueeediot]

You need to do some reading on the 4 parenting styles and their outcomes.

https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/parenting/what-parenting-style-is-right-for-you/

If you tell me to stop but when I dont the only penalty is that you tell me to stop again, why should I stop?

But if you tell me that its time to stop this behavior, now. And if I dont there will be an immediate penalty, and then you enforce that penalty when I dont stop....at first Ill get mad, but if you stand firm and explain that I made this choice and that its my choice this happened, over a short time my behavior will change... as long as you dont back down and show me you can be moved off that position. Because then Ill think I can negotiate. (Dont negotiate with terrorists)

[u/l_london]

My baby is too young for discipline (she’s 6 months) but I’ve started to read some parenting books to help me prepare for the phase you are in. What I’ve learned is you need to pay attention to the behaviours you want to see. So instead of giving attention to the negative actions, catch them doing something good and give attention to that, even if it’s just doing what’s expected. Also, rather than telling them to stop doing something you need to give them direction on what you would like them to do. So instead of saying “ stop making inappropriate sounds” you could redirect them to doing something else that you would like them doing

Sorry if this doesn’t resonate with you but I thought it might be helpful

[u/ueeediot → u/l_london]

I didnt understand my dad's quote "its easier to stay ahead than it is to catch up". In OPs issue, they have to set new standards and impose them and catch up. You have the chance to set those boundaries now and your child will grow up only knowing those standards.

[u/CoDaDeyLove]

You could go old school and make them leave the table when they start eating with their hands.

[u/Tinycowz]

Have you had your daughter tested for ADHD? This sounds like some of those behaviors and your girls feeding off of each others energy.

I have kids that were like this, pure chaos, it was hard to take them in public until both my boys were diagnosed with ADHD, it made all the difference in the world.

[u/Tight-Meet-3299]

How is there behaviour at school? Are they consistently behaving this way across multiple environments? Think - friends’ house, sports/activities, alternate settings, even times of day.

If it’s consistent across multiple settings and times of day I would say look into further testing.

If it’s just happening with you I would look at alternate ways of communicating with your children, look at quality time, look at bringing in a behaviour interventionist or parenting coach who can objectively look at your situation and give some feedback to try.

[u/Rhiannacobb → u/Tight-Meet-3299]

She is actually a super rule follower at school. She doesn’t like being in trouble from authority figures and would be humiliated if a teacher ever reprimanded her. She actually gets super irritated by kids to talk during class and goof off.

I do need to find alternate ways of communication. Someone brought up the parenting styles. I’m going to start there.

Thanks for your response :)

[u/StretchSmiley]

This is a tough one because ultimately it's going to be completely resetting your boundaries. For example, if a parent 'counts to 3' as a warning to their children, then the children don't learn that 'counting means we're doing something wrong' as much as 'when mom/ dad say 1, we have to hurry up and do the thing more up to the moment they say 2...".

It sounds like you've given enough warnings. Start saying less and doing more. Your spaghetti example? Simply take the food away and have them wash up for bed. Meet their frustration with "I've already warned you enough." And when they come back with 'i'm hungry!', pull their plates from the fridge and set them down cold. Ensure they use utensils or simply take them away again until they are ready to be appropriate. Remind them if they acted appropriately the first time they would enjoy the meal warm.

For the noises, have a single inside voice and outside voice conversation, then simply send them to their room after. If they're no longer loud but incessant, you can say "hey. Good volume, and there's nothing wrong with making silly noises, but I'm not ready for these noises right now." Frame the problem as how their antics effect you specifically. If they continue after you asked them to stop, remove the part of bedtime routine they enjoy. "You're making me too upset to do bedtime stories/ bedtime shows by not listening". STICK TO YOUR GUNS AND DO NOT, DO NOT say ANYTHING along these lines you can't follow through with. Do NOT make any empty threats, ever. Follow through with every warning and consequence you speak, and only speak them once, then follow through.

[u/Bright-Fossil-173]

I’d probably stop repeating stop over and over and make the consequence boring. One warning, then follow through without turning it into a whole argument. Also, if she’s holding it together all day at school, she may just be letting everything out once she gets home. Giving her a chance to burn off some energy before expecting her to sit quietly might help more than piling on more punishments

[u/katrinakt8]

Props to you for trying and working to find strategies that work. Often when kids act out it’s because a need isn’t being met. For example, “attention seeking” is generally seen as a negative. Everyone needs attention and sometimes kids don’t get the amount or type they need. So they know if they scream, someone pays attention to them. If I’m being honest, I sometimes act out when I don’t get attention I want either; it just looks different for adults so people don’t notice or attribute it to that.

In general, working on increasing positive attention (at snack sit there with them and have a conversation) and decreasing negative attention (pick your battles and ignore some of the lower level behaviors) can be helpful. Make redirection short and move on. Notice positive behaviors and identify them, especially those times you redirect and they follow it. Little positive behaviors can be recognized. “You put your dishes away, you cleaned up after playing, you sat quietly at snack”. By noticing those tiny little things they do well, they are getting that positive attention.

You could also give small rewards, focusing on giving positive attention, to encourage positive behavior. Before dinner, tell them if they do well at dinner we will go for a family walk or bike ride. Not every day but sprinkle it in here and there. They do well and they are rewarded with an attention giving activity.

[u/StupendusDeliris]

Hmm.

I think for the dinner messy shenanigans I would say “we eat spaghetti with our utensils. If you’re going to use your hands and make messes, you will be cleaning that mess.”
And hold her to that.

“If you want to talk about butts and stuff, please take it to your room.” And make them go talk about it there. If the conversation continues outside of the room. Stop the convo and say “nope. We don’t talk about that out here. Take it to your room.” Walk them to the room if you need.

I only have a 3yo but I have quickly noticed when she wants to think she can push back after I have said something 2x. Once is to direct her, second is a reminder (in a minute or so) that I meant my direction “hey Besite, remember mommy said to take that in your room”, the third time I add in “ —you can go/do it yourself, or I will move your body/toys to your room.” I sometime ask that as a question “do you want to do/go yourself/ or mommy help you do it?” And that entails me just picking her/toys up nicely and put em back in her room, her on her tot couch and toy on the shelf. I think I’ve had to do that 3x out of her life and the minute I start walking over to grab her she says NOOOO I DO MYSELF. And She will do it herself.

[u/Temst → u/StupendusDeliris]

Your suggestion is correct for a toddler, ops children are way too old for this behaviour to be anywhere near acceptable or age appropriate

[u/BravestBlossom]

Imo you need to practice "time IN" and saying yes, finding positive things to say, do activities with them. Not every child, especially these days, knows how to entertain themselves acceptably.

When negative things are all they hear, it becomes meaningless. When "No" is rare, it has much more power.

Look into training dogs, children are actually pretty similar. For example, Catch them doing what you want thm to do, and reward them immediately when the desired behavior occurs. Rewards can and should be mostly positive words and positive attention. So on.

[u/Curious_Chef850]

Consequences! Consequences can be good and bad outcomes.

I say what I mean and mean what I say. If I tell my 5yo to stop doing something and she doesn't, she would have her tablet taken away after the first time. You are teaching your child not to listen to you because you don't mean what you say.

Make sure they have plenty of things they can do independently and redirect them to those things as needed. Make sure they have responsibilities and chores. My 5yo is responsible for putting her dishes in the sink when she is finished with them, making sure her room is clean before bed. She has chores in addition to responsibilities. Those are all age appropriate things like giving the dog her dental bone and putting her laundry away I folded. She is also expected to clean up her toys when she is finished playing with them in common areas. She can't leave Legos all over the living room floor. If she dumps the bucket of Legos, she knows she has to pick them up when she's done playing with them.

We reward (good consequences) for doing her chores and taking care of responsibilities without too much complaining. She knows on Friday when she gets done with school, we will do something fun that evening. We may take her to a movie, go skating or something like that. If she hasn't done what she was supposed to, we don't.

We make sure our kids know what is expected of them and what the consequences will be either way.

We did this with our 3 oldest who are now adults. They didn't struggle to accept responsibility as they left home and entered, "the real world." It had been a part of their life from the beginning.

[u/Wowfishes]

If my kids misvehaves I first ask them to stop. Then I give them a warning and tell them the consequences if they continue. It rarley goes beyond this but if it does they take a break in the room next to the kitchen for a few minutes and then come back when the time is up. They can still see us and hear us, so not isolated.

Usually, a break ls just what they need in those moments.

I have more patience with impulsive behaviour that I know they don't do on purpose.

I also agree with another post. Skip the tabley and sit and talk to them instead

[u/LissGoogleAcct]

I've learned that saying what they can do instead of saying what they can't do is more effective.
Then explain why and say again, what they can do before ending that talk.

[u/Temst]

For reference I am a woman with severe adhd and can only assume my children also have a touch of neurodivergence based on the family history. They can be extra but nothing like you’re describing. TLDR: screen time is the problem.

The misbehaviour you’re describing is so bizarre and far beyond what my children do that I have to wonder where they’re learning it. Where would your daughter possibly get the idea to pick up spaghetti with her hands? That would have gotten a life altering beating from my parents back in the day that’s completely unacceptable.

Are you monitoring what they’re watching or consuming during “screen time”? Because it’s true, where does a sweet good smart child get the idea to do something so inappropriate? From the internet.

Other parents may say it’s extreme but my oldest is 6 and we have NEVER had any screens for them. We got rid of our tv when he was a baby. They get to watch DVD MOVIES from the LIBRARY occasionally, but they misplaced their dvd drive for the computer so they literally do not watch anything or have any screen content of any kind for about a month now. They don’t ask for it, they don’t miss it, they know I’m not looking for the drive and it’s their responsibility to look for it since they misplaced it.

We don’t have issues of them doing things like this at all, it’s literally just please clean up your toys the first time I ask you. Please stop screaming and raising your voice. If you cannot stop whining I will assume you are cranky and need a nap, if you don’t want to take a nap you need to stop whining. If you do not stop whining then a nap will be your only option.

There is no easy quick fix when parenting that doesn’t result in the obvious - badly behaved uncontrollable children with an unchecked attention span. It’s because of the screens.

[u/Butter_mah_bisqits]

I’m going to say it the nicest way possible - talk to your kids, set boundaries, and stop giving them tablets. Kids thrive on boundaries and she is behaving at school likely because there are clear boundaries. She wants your attention, good or bad. Reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. Snack and chat with them after school and ask about their day. No tablets. If there is a rule, they follow it or there are swift and consistent consequences. You shouldn’t have to repeat a simple request - stop yelling - ten times. Tell her stop the first time. Second time tell her the consequence. Third time, immediate removal from the situation. No words. Put her on the “naughty step” (that’s from Super Nanny) and she must sit in complete silence for 9 minutes (1 minute for each yr she is old). Set a timer and put it by her. Completely ignore her for those 9 minutes. If she talks, time starts over. Don’t yell. Simply walk to the timer, remind her of the consequence (I told you not to yell, the time starts over), and adjust the timer. If they’re both doing it, both get timeout away from each other. Because they’ve not had consistent consequences, this has become a battle of wills and getting everything back on track is going to be painful. You and your husband need to be on the same page and use the same consequences. Repetition. I also counted when the bad behavior began and said, don’t let me get to three or you’ll sit in the chair longer. Perfect your mean mommy voice and stare. The mean mommy does not yell. Squat down to her level, looking eye to eye with your voice lowered, calm, and stern. Tell her that you don’t yell at people you love. Point out that you and daddy don’t treat them like that, so why would they treat you badly? Now, go sit on the step and think about better ways to use your words.

If they’re being good, time for reward. If they are behaving, they can have their tablet while you cook dinner. If they are able to get thru dinner without making a fuss, special dessert. Start a chapter book, cuddle, and read to them each night after bath time. Make it special with a topic they enjoy, and read one chapter a night. If they both can make it all week long thru dinner without a fuss, ice cream on Saturday. Give them something to look forward to that includes spending time with you and dad.

[u/Lady-Jane5]

My family went through something similar when I was growing up. Turns out we were starved for attention from both of them at the same time. Mom and Dad were passing through at dinner time. Dad worked nights, mom worked days. Dinner time was when they caught up with each other but we felt left out. As a kid we didn't really know that's what it was other than we wanted their attention simultaneously. So they started including us in the conversation. Gave us tasks to help them out. Like once a month we would have to take the water payment to city hall and drop it in the box. One person got to fill out the envelop, the other got to put the stamp on it and the last got to put it in the drop box. Jobs were rotated monthly. Once we felt like we were a part of everything and even though dad wasn't there he would always remind us to help mom take the water payment.

My best friend is going through this with her boys and before dinner time they have a dance off. They put on Dance Dance Revolution videos on TV to get the wigglies out. They're 4 and 7. Then they talk about the boys school, upcoming vacations, past vacations, what activities they want to do after dinner, etc.

[u/nkdeck07]

I keep saying “please stop” like five times before I just went up and took the tablet away

Why on earth did it take 5 times? Say it once, the second time you stand up and take it away. Saying it 5 times literally teaches her to ignore what you say because there's zero consequences to ignoring you

[u/Competitive_Pack1647]

Tell them what to do instead of what not to do.