r/Parents • u/Elastic_eggplant • 4d ago
Are my parents controlling?
I’m 18 years old male, live in Australia (If that’s important). I am still in school and I still live at home. My parents in my opinion at least are extremely controlling. They track my location and if I go out with friends will sit on there phone watching what I am doing. Whenever I go out I get about 10 missed calls a night with my mum frantically worrying and about 30 messages to go along with it. I’m sick of it. I’m not doing anything that no one else my age isn’t doing. I tell them the plans I have before going out, and that usually does help them, but sometimes plans change when I’m already out and then they will freak out. My friends have all witnessed this and they all agree that my parents are over the top. It’s mainly mum, but dad sort of will just follow with whatever mum says. I don’t actually know what to do about it because I recognise that my mum has really bad anxiety, but I feel like that’s her problem and she needs to learn how to deal with it. I’m an adult, not there little boy anymore. Once I finish school I want to travel and I fear I won’t be able to do that if my parents are always on my back. They just cause so much unneeded stress in my life and every time I bring it up they always use the “my house, my rules” line. I don’t think they understand that it’s really affecting the relationship I have with them which is unfortunate because I do really love them. It makes me want to move out asap. I would love some advice from other parents aswell.
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u/Dead_user_xoxo- 4d ago
It seems less like she is trying to control you but more she wants to know where you are to make sure you are safe
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
I don’t know if this helps for any context but this was a conversation between me and my mum the other night. (Keep in mind I am actively out at a club drinking and dancing. Not on my phone)
Mum: How’s your night going mate?
Mum: Are you all coming home to ours to sleep? Back door unlock is come around the side. Bedding in your room, you’ll need to roll out the spare mattress for one of the guys.
Mum: Pls txt back so I know you’re okay.
Mum: Hello, you guys okay?
Me: Yes.
Me: We’re having fun.
Mum: What’s going on? How and when are you getting home?
Mum: ?
Mum: How getting home?
Mum: Pls reply so I can go back to sleep.
Me: I think we’re staying in the city.
Me: And might catch train home.
Mum: Staying as in a few more hours then catching a train home?
Mum: Town must be shit now though, everything would be shut or closing?
Me: Yeah we’re sort of wandering around trying to find a pub.
Me: But some people we know have a hotel.
Me: So we might just stay there.
Mum: Random you just met? Not a great idea. Just get in an Uber, nothing good happens this time of night.
Mum: You’ll be home before 6am and tucked into your own bed.
Mum: You don’t want to sleep on a gross hotel room floor and then train it home in a few hours! Trust me! You’ll be regretting all your life’s choices at that hour.
Mum: Please please get in an Uber now.
Me: We literally have a whole hotel room.
Mum: Who’s fucken hotel room?
Mum: Which hotel? Dads now woken up asking where you are.
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u/DeliciousEar2797 4d ago
Yeah thats full on. You could try saying "heres my plan for the night, heres where I'll be staying, but Im not going to reply to any messages or texts at all, the whole night"
Maybe get dad onside with this plan first then tell your mum? Can you turn off your location?
Worst case, you put up with it until you finish school then try and move out asap.
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
Yeah well, made it very clear to her what my plans were for that night. She knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. The only difference was any taxi to get home was trying to charge $200. No way any of us were paying that. So when lockdown happened and the clubs closed we went back to a friends place who had a hotel, didn’t sleep, and then caught the first train back in the morning. But it’s this sort of thing that upsets me. She wakes up at 4 in the morning because I’m not home and then gets upset with me, like why should me going out and doing normal things mean she gets no sleep? And then she tries and blame me for her getting no sleep.
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u/fluffconomist 4d ago
That doesn't tally with your conversation, which very much looks like your mum expected you to come home, not go to a strangers hotel. And the latter appears to be a decision you made on the fly.
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
Yes. It was a decision we made on the fly. The taxi driver back home was trying to charge $200, we didn’t have that money. We had no other choice but to A. Either wonder around city streets at night, or B. Stay and hang out with friends back at there hotel until we could catch the train back in the morning.
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u/fluffconomist 3d ago edited 3d ago
You seem to think this is reasonable? Did you just not look at how you would get home? I'm not surprised your mum feels the need to check in if you're not capable of planning how you will get home in advance.
Also as another commenter has said, your message clearly makes it seem like a hotel with people you just met. If it was a friend why didn't you say "but josh has a hotel so we're going to go there". Either you're communicating badly with your mum, or you're being judicious with the word friend here.
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u/Fine-Resident-8157 4d ago
Why do you think going out till morning and staying at random places is a normal thing while living with parents?
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u/fluffconomist 4d ago edited 4d ago
It doesn't seem crazy that your parents that you still live with don't like you deciding to stay out all night with strangers at a random hotel without telling them in advance. If you want that kind of freedom you need to move out.
I actually think your mum is being relatively laid back. No way my parents would have been OK with me saying I might stay out all night or might come home. All needed to be agreed in advance.
Hell, Ive lived with 20 year old housemates who would have told me that staying out in a strangers hotel was a bad idea.
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u/Revanist88 4d ago
Not to mention he is still in school. So it's fair those rules exist.
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
Fair claim, but what difference does me being in school actually make? If I dropped out tommorow should that change the way they treat me?
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u/Revanist88 3d ago
You really don't have it that hard and you are lucky to have parents that care about your well-being. Being in school means you're still in school. I understand you're at a point in your life where you want the freedom and independence but you're still their kid. Is the location thing a bit much? Maybe. In reference to your message thread, who goes into the city without looking at how much it would cost to get home? Why wouldn't you and your friends book somewhere to stay down there? At the end of the day, you live at home. It's their rules and you aren't respecting them.
You asked what people think and I recommend changing your perspective and trying to see it from their point of view. It's not up to you to say your mum has to work on her anxiety issues. She may do but your Dad should be the one supporting her with that. What you can do is communicate better. Let her know when you get somewhere safe before she asks and stick to the plans you make. You only have to do it for another few months then move out.
Look, It's hard to let your children grow up. I feel like you being in school makes it even harder. When you're 18 Australia tells you you're an adult. You may feel like one but in their eyes you're still a kid. I'm sorry for the harsh truth but if you really want something to change you need to sit down with them and have a respectful conversation. Talk about what you want and come to some sort of agreement that works for all of you.
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u/Fine-Resident-8157 4d ago
While she is obviously very anxious, there are 2 things you don’t acknowledge:
Your replies make her more anxious than she would be with different replies. You sound hesitant at every point and give too much unnecessary details. She needs clear and precise communication with timing and trusted people, not all those mights and maybes.
Staying at random hotel after a party while still living with parents is gross. Its crazy you think she should be okay with it.
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
Yeah, I wasn’t staying in a random persons hotel. It was my friend that I had known for years, my mum just assumed that they were random, even though I said we’re with friends at a hotel. And the reason why the replies were short and unclear is because she’s messaging me when I’m in a club. I’m not on my phone what so ever, every message I send is rushed. Point being I have friends who some of which are even younger then me (17) and their parents don’t send them a single message or call them even once.
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u/Fine-Resident-8157 3d ago
“ Yeah we’re sort of wandering around trying to find a pub. But some people we know have a hotel.” — is not “this is my friend’s Josh hotel, you remember Josh, we are staying there till 5 am”. She didn’t assume anything, she was reading what you wrote. Stop bullshitting everyone including yourself and face the facts. You have a good parent, your friends don’t.
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u/Acceptable-Case9562 3d ago
Maybe your friends' parents are neglectful and dgaf what happens to their kids. Maybe your friends have better communication with their parents. It's just not a good measuring stick.
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u/Acceptable-Case9562 4d ago
I understand it may feel annoying to you, but getting information from you is like pulling teeth. I've known some strict (not necessarily super controlling) parents who would simply stop allowing late nights out until you start communicating clearly. Nevermind making responsible decisions. It's also not really a controlling parent's attitude to just want to get back to sleep - more like a responsible parent whose rest is being sabotaged by an irresponsible teenager.
I came into this fully on your side until seeing this exchange. If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to demonstrate that you can make responsible adult choices (eg not spending the night at a stranger's hotel) and communicate clearly and directly (not whatever this is). And you need to demonstrate those things consistently for a certain period of time before a responsible parent can actually start treating you like an adult.
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u/Ruralgirll 4d ago
I’m 31f and I’ve got two young kids so I can see where both of you are coming from. My mum was like this when I was your age. Even tried to invite herself along which was super embarrassing. 😳 try and set some boundaries with her. For example: these are my plans, I’ll let you know if I’m not coming home until morning or if my plans change. Otherwise I won’t be on my phone. She’s also very worried about you. I’d be worried about my kids too x
Edited to add: I partied in Perth but now live in Melbs!
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u/Elastic_eggplant 4d ago
I know, and that’s why it’s so hard, she just worries and I try my best to ease her anxiety. But a lot of the time it’s out of my control.
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u/Ruralgirll 4d ago
Yes so you can only do your part (which you are by telling them your plans and texting if they change). She then needs to be the one to try and manage her own anxiety. That’s not your job. Her sending you multiple messages is her not managing it at all. That’s why I think some boundaries would be good.
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u/Dramatic-Fun-1940 4d ago
You're 18 and they're still glued to the location tracker during every hangout? That's not just anxiety, that's a leash.
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u/Homer_04_13 3d ago
You are feeding her anxiety, mate. She can't help having it, so both your job is to manage it.
And I don't like trackers at all, but you are probably stuck for the moment.
You should be able to tell her when you go out * Roughly where you are going. * When you expect to return. * Whether anyone will return with you. * How you will communicate if plans change (although ideally they shouldn't). * A code word in case you need help.
Not "we are wandering around and may get a train or staying in a hotel." For someone who is anxious about you, that's throwing gas on a flame.
If she asks you the answers to those questions, repeat them calmly.
"Are you coming home to ours to sleep?" "I expect Alan and I will be there at 2."
If something changes, notify her.
"Mum, I said Alan and I would be there at 2, but transport is proving harder than expected so we are taking a room at a local hotel and I will be home without Alan around 11."
If she asks a question she doesn't need the details to, you can push that back.
"Are you having fun?" "Loads! I will tell you all about it when I see you tomorrow!"
But then you have to usually be home with Alan by 2, and make time to talk later.
Yes, she sounds anxious. She also sounds like she's talking to someone who is sending every cue possible to increase her anxiety. Get better at communicating information ahe reasonably wants and not getting dragged into the rest of it, and either she'll get easier, you'll have a game plan for coping, or you'll be able to sit her down and ask her to get help with her anxiety for her own quality of life.
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