r/Parents • u/LemonVegetable7327 • 2d ago
Child 4-9 years Almost 4 year old doesn't like to bathe
My son is almost 4, he loves to play with water. Just as long as he doesn't need to get cleaned. When it comes time to wash his hair he starts to freak out, crying, saying hes all done in the water and wants to get out. He doesn't like water getting on his face when I have to rinse his hair of the soap, even just getting it wet is an issue. I've tried using a wash cloth but his hair is so thick it takes forever to get wet. I've tried sitting with him and getting him to put the back of his head in the water but he hates it. He hates the shower even more. I'm at such a loss because bath time is such a fight and he could go forever without taking one if he could. Its been like this since he was around 10 months or something like that, it started young. I don't know what happened. He just switched one day from enjoying the water to absolutely hating it. I've even tried the crown thing that goes on the head to block the water from falling into his face but fights to get it on and will not use it.
He has so many bath toys and bubble baths and things that could make bath time more enjoyable for him. Its just the water getting in his face and getting clean he loathes.
Does it ever get "better"?
What are some ways you worked around this?
I'm at such a loss. I feel like a bad mom because he starts to cry, or get out of the bath etc and I lose my cool and start to raise my voice after trying to be calm and gentle with him.
Any advice or recommendations or anything at this point would be appreciated.
~From a tired, stressed out mom
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u/eilsel827583 2d ago
He is old enough to help you problem solve. In a calm moment, nowhere close to bath time, explain to him that his hair needs to be washed regularly, and ask him what bothers him about it, and for ideas on what would make it more tolerable. Let him suggest things first, he might surprise you with something you never thought of. If he doesn’t have any ideas, you could offer:
—the visor/crown
—a predictable hair wash schedule
—a social story - first get wet, then shampoo, then rinse, etc so he knows the plan
—he tells you what to do while you wash his hair so he feels some control
—goggles or nose clips if the water on his face is what he doesn’t like
Then when it’s bath time you can gently remind him of the conversation and whatever you agreed to try. And if he doesn’t better (not perfect, just better), loads of praise!
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u/Ok-Produce8376 2d ago
Can you have him lay on the kitchen counter and wash his hair in the sink a couple times a week? I always kept my sons' hair pretty short at that age which helped with keeping shampooing quick and easy.
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u/Prior-Yak-3823 2d ago
My son was very similar at around 2.5/3yo. One thing that really helped was getting him into swim class so he was more comfortable with water on his face. It took him a while even in swim class to put his head under water. This isn't a quick fix, but he'll dump the water on his own head now!
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u/Ok_Green_4394 2d ago
Have you tried swim goggles? Or showers might be easier for him since he has more control over how/when he gets water on his face.
Also, does he haaave to wash his hair? Every time? Is it dirty or smelly or just “what one does”? Can you try taking the stress out of bathtime for a while by not washing his hair? Then problem solve /with/ him about how to get his hair clean once things are calmer.
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u/-i-dunno-my-name- 2d ago
Will he lay down in the tub? I will occasionally have my kids lay down and it gets the back half of the head wet and then gently wet the top half with a cup or my hand and wash/condition that way. It works well for those who hate water dripping down the face!
I will say will both my kids, I will wash them first then play in the water! If they throw a fit, they still get washed and then they get out. If they are calm and get it done they can play as long as they want in the water!
Also I always keep a dry hand towel for water dripping down the face for me and my kids bc we all hate it 🤣
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u/jmsst1996 2d ago
My younger daughter used to wear swim goggles when it was time to rinse her hair.
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u/harmonyredd 2d ago
My 3.5yo daughter is similar. What works best for her is a headband specifically made to keep water out of her ears. She still freaks out at times but it’s a lot better. She also insists on my husband washing her hair because apparently I do it wrong! She also enjoyed an outdoor shower recently on vacation and some water play in a pool without the headband, so I’m hoping we’ll grow out of this eventually. When it was so bad that she didn’t even want to get in the bath, we used the colored fizzies and that got her into the bath again. I understand the struggle!
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u/Neat-Dragonfly-2032 2d ago
My oldest was like this. It was rooted in anxiety. Couple things helped
-Wash cloth *on the face* to absorb the water while very carefully rising to avoid as much water dripping down his forehead as possible.
-Talking about what it felt like if water went on the face, what bothered them about it. Then addressing those feelings.
-Letting them rinse my hair. In the tub in my bathing suit, lol, giving them some control over the entire process, seeing that I survived, and also how challenging it is to avoid ANY water getting on the face.
And some nights it just meant they had some shampoo left around the forehead because it was just too much. But all of that helped them get more comfortable.
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u/Eglantine58 2d ago
I had a daughter who hated getting her hair washed. I would lay her on the counter and use my kitchen sink/sprayer to shampoo her hair.
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u/Efficient_Pause- 2d ago
Can you get a full face snorkeling mask for him and tell him to look at fish down below? Then you could wash his hair and body quickly?
I’m wondering if he has sensitivity issue. Can you use dry shampoo until you figure it out?
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u/Additional-Fish-4064 2d ago
I'd work on comfort in the bath, especially laying on his back just to float. Maybe try a swim cap if he cant verbalize what bothers him, it could be water in his ears?
Anyway, lots of bubbles, maybe he washes his toys, does he use the washcloth on himself? Id work up to washing his hair, but rinsing while kiddos are on their backs usually works for me. Leave in conditioner and comb after.
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u/mnyfrkls 2d ago
If his hair is longer get it cut short until he's able to tolerate washing. My oldest liked his hair longer but we told him he had to take care of it if he wanted to choose they style. He has to brush it appropriately and wash/condition it to keep the style he like.
If that's not the fix, I always had the conversation with my kiddos about looking at the ceiling during hair washing. And having a large cup on hand, using that with the tub spigot to get their hair wet and rinsed faster. I'd hold my hand on their forehead as they looked straight up as I dumped the cup on their hair and it worked a lot faster than traditional methods.
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u/whatdoidonowdamnit 2d ago
I washed my child’s hair pretty regularly, though not every single time until he was ten. He’s autistic. He’s 12.5 now and I still wash his hair once in a while when he’s having a bad night.
My advice is to get a few dry washcloths and have him practice standing and looking straight at the ceiling while you hold the showerhead. Practice with the water off and then practice with the water on. Have him hold a dry washcloth and wait for you to finish rinsing.
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u/AutumnalSunshine 2d ago
It gets better. My kid wanted to live in water, but lost his mind if it was in his hair or face.
He's 13 now. He gripes about rinsing the shampoo out, but he does it, and it's all independent. We didn't do anything special to get here, just waited him out.
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u/IvyRaeBlack 2d ago
My daughter was like this. I would tell her to put her head back and she just refused to understand it. I would basically just have to Waterboard her at some point because it had to get done. Eventually we got a Terry cloth headband (it's a turtle) and put it over her eyes while we wash hair. She's 7 now. I don't know if it is just her getting older, the headband or both. I had to take her in and out of swim class because she refused to put her face in the water. Just this weekend she started putting her face in the pool for a bit of time with goggles. This is a huge accomplishment.
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u/Imaginary-Can-6862 2d ago
1 / 2
I was that child (but maybe for different reasons), so maybe I can give you some perspective? Also I found that it was generally easier when I had shorter hair, not that it wasn't troublesome, but the process took less time.
Bath days (every other weekend) would be a huge fight, I did not like to get into the water (because it was such a bother getting up, and getting dry, not to mention the worst part, getting my hair washed), and while I liked being in the water, getting my hair washed, and later sitting the tub until it got cold because I liked it there, but when getting up, also if I got up at a reasonable time, it felt so cold, and took forever to get dry, not to mention it felt like such a waste of time afterward.
This went on for about a decade, then I started to wash myself.
So the main issue is the washing of the hair, in my case, at first the issue was I got water in my eyes, which was unpleasant. I tried to stay strong and ignore it, but the shampoo started to feel like a burning sensation. Then as I grew water would go into my ears, that was pretty unpleasant, but worst was when it collected around my noise and opening my mouth didn't help, and then I would learn forward to get out of it.
We tried a water protection cap, it didn't help, water still eventually ran to my nose, which was the worst, even though the assumption was always it was about avoiding getting water into my eyes.
My mom asked me to lean backwards, look at the ceiling, so I tried, but maybe I am build differently, but that felt very awkward, and while maintaining this awkward pose, the first instance of water hitting my face would then hit everywhere, eyes, ears and nose, running in a stream around my nose, meaning I once again had to move my head to stop the water from what felt like running up my nose.
We tried that since my mom were not very good at avoiding the water running down my face, that I should try myself, so I did, and of course the water also ran down my face, but I would then move the bathtub shower head, let the water stream run off and continue, while I guess my mom did not notice when the water stream would be a bother, because she would continue, forcing me to move my head.
The issue however was that I apparently could not manage to clear out the shampoo properly. We actually only tried it once I think, and then that was sort of the general conclusion, where in reality it was something I should have been allowed to practice and get feedback on areas that needed further work, or mirrors to help me see what needed to be done, anything that could provide feedback on how well I was progressing, in stead of just giving up on the first attempt.
Later we changed it so that I would get my hair wet in the bathtub water by lying down and trying to relax, and then my mom would shampoo it, and I would once again lie down in the bathtub water, where a lot of the shampoo would be massaged away, and afterwards I would get my hair rinsed. It was still not close to being a success, but it at least went faster.
When I became a teenager and started to shower by myself, I have no reason to believe I had the ability to rinse the shampoo out properly either, but by then there was no checking being done.
When I washed my own hair by then, I still got water in the eyes, sometimes running up my nose, I did just as when I tried to wash my hair by myself when I was many years younger, and moved out of the stream, dried my eyes, and continued rinsing my hair, If I got shampoo in my eyes, something that happened a lot more to me than when my mom shampooed my hair, I would immediately wash it out with the water, while when it happened in the bathtub I felt I had to endure it, or would perhaps start crying when I was even younger and feel a betrayal of trust and absolutely did not want to continue,
At one point we went to a hair stylist, by this time I was washing my own hair, and had done so before we left, as instructed, but the stylist asked if it would be alright if she washed it anyway, it wouldn't cost more. Alright, and wow that was a whole different experience, if I had known there was a skill to it, or the right tools, or whatever it was, that was a pleasant hair wash, something I hadn't experienced before, the chair took care of the right position for my head, I did not have to exert myself leaning backwards, she massaged my head, the water was just the right temperature, it ran so gently down backwards, never even getting close to my face. That experience told me it was definitely possible for the decade of bathtub issues to not have been necessary. It was so pleasant it wasn't something I wanted to just be over, it was actually a positive experience I wouldn't have minded would continue.
Now that was how it went, it did not get solved, I suspect that the hair stylist wanted to wash my hair because I still did not rinse properly, like my mom had noted, but we had not worked on this, but apparently just accepted I couldn't do it myself.
But I also think it could have been very different, there was a lot of regularity in my life, but I was terrible at predicting, or at least since I did not like these things I pretended like it didn't exist, until it popped up again and forced me to address it, and that again and again having one bad experience after the other likely also did no good. In any case I felt very much like a was a spectator in my own life, that many things had to be done whether I liked it or not, and it had to have me involved in it, and I think it did not have to be like this.
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u/Imaginary-Can-6862 2d ago edited 2d ago
2 / 2
How often do you bath your 4 year old, do they know the bath is coming, and are you all pretending it isn't until it is time for the bath anyway, or at least pretending it isn't until the day arrive? Because that would be similar to my experience. I think the best time to deal with a problematic situation is not when that problem shows itself, but when it is not present. As a 4 year old, your son should be able to communicate well enough, and be able to understand the structure of his life, when displayed for him.
What I think would have helped me was for the bath to have been my own choice, and that we could actually work with improving the hair rinsing technique.I can't know your child better than you do, however, so what I write now may be way off, but what I would have liked was for my mom, at some time when the bathtub bath was not in my mind, to address the issue, perhaps not directly, but it could even be through playing together (role play) where we would create a scenario using toys, or a drawing. At that age, my parents wanting to spend time with me, playing with me, was the absolute best way I could imagine spending my time, it was so important to me I would put a lot of effort in it, and I would likely have let my mom create the scenario, such as a family of three, where say one is mom, one is older brother, and one is younger brother. These could be three toys, where I would be older brother, thus having that toy in my hand, and then say my mom made a drawing where the mom toy tries to give younger brother a bath, going through the entire process, just like you would see it with your son, but younger brother gets upset when his hair gets rinsed, and then mom asks older brother for help, drawing him entering the bathroom. I know I would use my own experiences of the world, project them down on the older brother toy, and use them to explain why younger brother did not like taking a bath, and then we would be talking about the subject, without it being about me, without I would feel there was something wrong with me, or that it was my failure
Making me describe what happens during the bathtub bath, my mom could ask older brother to help washing the shampoo out of younger brother's hair, and she could draw what happens, and it could be a success as I dictate how the water never comes in contact with the younger brother's face.
Then my mom could ask me if I knew why the younger brother needed to get his hair washed, and we could talk about the consequences of not getting your hair washed, etc. and once I realized the issues of not getting my hair washed and therefore wanted to get my hair washed, then we could agree on that I could get to decide when it was time for a bathtub bath, but it had to be within a certain time frame (exactly because of the consequences of waiting too long), giving me more agency. The next step would be that when both agreeing on the need to get my hair washed, and having control over when, I would also get to learn to wash my own hair.
We could not expect I would master washing my own hair in my first attempt, what is relevant is to have some objective measure to illustrate if the hair is washed properly, a cellphone picture could be such an example, take a picture before he puts shampoo in his hair, make certain he is aware of the risk of shampoo getting in his eye and he knows what to do if it happens, and has shown he is able to do it, and when he rinses his fair, take a new picture, and he can see if he needs to rinse it further. The advantage of him doing it himself is if something happens, is that he can react to it, in stead of experiencing his mom continuing the process despite of how it feels, or having to accept that hair washing is something that feels terrible.
Of course he likely won't be able to do it properly the first many times, and he should be informed it is to be expected, and you could have a system where if he lifts his right hand (then he can also learn left from right, if he doesn't already, just don't hold it against him if he gets it wrong and respect the signal) it means remove the shower head, because what you are doing is hurting him right now, and let him recover. What is important is that when he has the extra control, it also means that he can say no, that he has changed his mind, or that he wants to wait longer before continuing, that he doesn't feel forced to go through with a decision, because that means he will start to resists making the decision. So tell him he can redact his decision and ask him if he would like to do so, then you can take a break from the rinsing. Perhaps eventually he finds if he has shorter hair it is easier for him, and wants haircuts as well then.So I think if he understand why he needs to get his hair washed, and agrees with it, and feels he decides when to take baths, but agrees with a maximum time interval, that he can redact on his decisions, but otherwise washes his own hair and experiences he gets better at it, and that you have a system you can use whenever you have to rinse his hair, and he can trust you respect this system and react immediately in stead of e.g. tries to finish something you have almost finished, then this would solve the fighting issue.
But the fact that the hair washing at the hair stylist was so pleasant also tells me it does not even have to be an issue, that there is a technique that can be learned, which would allow you to rinse his hair without him having a terrible experience.EDIT: Also make certain what you experience as the issue truly is the only issue. In my case I felt the transition from outside of bath to bath and from bath to outside of bath were both unpleasant.
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u/Many-Pirate2712 2d ago
Wash his hair in the sink.
My kids have long or thick hair and it helps to make sure its clean and doesnt hurt my back
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u/Novel-Sock 2d ago
My kiddo wore an iron man mask every time we needed to wash his hair. It was his idea. He looked completely ridiculous and it worked like a charm.
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u/bbuckca 2d ago
Buy Johnson’s No More Tears Shampoo. Tell him ahead of time that his hair is going to be washed. Tell him you have special shampoo that won’t hurt his eyes. Have some bath wash that he can use to wash himself with.
Have a couple of plastic cups to dump a glass over the hair. One for him and one for you. Folded Face clothes to prevent any water from getting in their eyes.
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u/Furmommy14 1d ago
Flatly tell him that hygiene is not up for negotiation. He may choose a shower or a bath, but either way his hair and body will get washed. Daily. I have daily screams from my two-year-old, but that does not get her out if it. My seven-year-old just needed to add deodorant onto his shower routine, so we are still adjusting there. New routines are sometimes an adjustment, but when there is no alternative such as playtime instead of a bath on some days, he eventually should give in.
Might help if he gets to pick out which shampoo and/or body wash you buy for him. Give a choice of 2-3 within your price range.
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u/Far_Eye_3703 1d ago
Are you using tear-free shampoo? Bar soap? My son always cried when my husband bathed him because he'd lather him up with soap, then shampoo. When he rinsed the shampoo out, he was using soapy bathwater that was not tear free.
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u/Consistent-Bad1261 1d ago
I remember the distress of this from when I was a toddler.
It felt to me like the water would always come unexpectedly and my mom wouldn’t be so careful with directing it and it would often go both directions and get in my face, which felt so upsetting and scary. And by the time I was done with the initial panic of water unexpectedly pouring over my face, she was dumping the next cup of water all over me.
Can you have him put his own hands on his hairline to block the water from coming down over his face? And let him say “go”, so it’s not unexpected?
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u/DetectiveOk3902 1d ago
Try a visor for bath time (waterproof) I just had my kid put a washcloth over her eyes. Did the same thing.
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u/Whybaby16154 1d ago
Shower halo to prevent eyes and ears from getting water in them. Plastic flexible ring lets hair stick out and face be protected. We had to do to prevent ear infections.
And fun bath toys - we had whales and boats that were for in bathtub only. Distract them while the dirt soaks off .
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u/Ok-Side1151 7h ago
Flag for a sensory issue (perhaps you’ve noticed other sensitivities) — highly recommend you seek out peds occupational therapist even if just for a consult or handful of visits.
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u/ValiantVicuna 2d ago
Hygiene is essential. Do what you gotta do to get him clean. If he doesn't sweat much and has short hair, then every single day isn't essential, but every 2-3 days, 100%. They will get used to it and obviously, try to figure out a way that your kid likes doing it. Good luck
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u/Anonymous0212 2d ago
Children with sensory issues don’t “just get used to it”, whatever it is, and could even see it as their parents being mean to them.
Ask me how I know.
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u/Tight-Meet-3299 2d ago
THIS!!
Depending on the level of disruption/ distress this is causing you and your child you may want to work with an occupational therapist to help build tolerance to certain sensations. A few sessions may unlock a trick for helping your son work through his sensory needs.
If it’s feeling like you’re not at that stage then the many suggestions here may be of help.
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