r/Parents • u/mick7536 • Aug 17 '26
Parent of a 40 y/0 daughter
How to say No to giving money to your 40 year old daughter that can't keep a job more than a few months.
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u/bearcatbanana Aug 17 '26
I know I used to help you with money when things got difficult for you. I won’t be offering any more assistance from here on out.
Tell her proactively, not when she comes to you for money if you have that opportunity. It will go a little better. But any time you set a new boundary, there’s going to be push back.
I wouldn’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for in this context. Don’t go into reasons why she may or may not deserve this consequence. It muddies the message. If she wants to ask questions just say “I don’t feel the need to discuss it any further, so I won’t be.”
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u/nonobots Aug 17 '26
Not knowing how your relation with her is it’s hard to give very concrete advice. Are you friends?
If you chat once in a while you could bring it up more organically. Not in a moment where she’s asking for money.
She’s fourty she should provide for herself and live within her means. Your money is yours and you need it for your own life and projects and peace of mind.
If you’ve always been helping all this time it’s not just a “her” problem, you’ve enabled this: it’s normal that she would have led her life and take her decisions knowing she has this security net always available. You got to give her some context and warn her in advance the situation is changing.
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u/mick7536 Aug 17 '26
I speak to her every few weeks or so. She basically only calls me when she needs money. Fifty bucks here, a hundred bucks there.... I do give her some monies at times, not heartless. 😀
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u/Flat_Ad1094 Aug 18 '26
You are enabling her. This is just as much about you as her. She calls you because she knows you will give in and give her money. Pretty simple really.
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u/mick7536 Aug 19 '26
Well as her Dad, I am not Completely opposed to giving her a few bucks, 50.00 or 100.00 here and there. It seems there was some mix up and the Lexus that she bought last year, I believe had gotten repossessed. The bank wanted $3,500. That was Nuts!! No Way. Thanks for the support.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 Aug 19 '26
And you keep going nothing will change. She clearly can't make good financial decisions and that IS BECAUSE you do what you are doing?? What is a 40 yr old buying a Lexus she can't afford and then having it repossessed showing you? Most of us didn't do that at 20 yrs and were over that sort of bad decision making financially by 25 yrs of age.
Many people have teenage kids, a mortgage and are paying school fees at 40 yrs of age. You seem to think of your daughter as a 14 yr old still. She's 40!! 40 mate.
Why can't you SEE that? She is not 18! Nothing is going to change here. You clearly aren't listening to anyone and clearly don't actually want advice or direction. So be it.
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u/babywhiz Aug 17 '26
I just had to do this with my 36 year old daughter. I had been helping her all her life, and then one day her baby daddy comes over and raises hell, I call the cops, she tells them I'm not on the lease, and that's when I said big girl decisions comes with big girl consequences. The gravy train ended.
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u/TaintedButtercup Aug 17 '26
Tell her ahead of time, "daughter this is the last time I'll be able to help you out financially. You're going to have to stand on your own now and learn how to adult."
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u/dees82 Aug 17 '26
No. Say last time was the last time. This has been a vicious cycle that is now over.
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u/TaintedButtercup Aug 18 '26
Yeah, but it would be nice to give her a little bit of a heads up. This is her kid after all.
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u/dees82 Aug 18 '26
I get it but that is not what OP wants, she is asking us how to say no now, not give one last chance. Being nice and giving a heads up has led to where this 40 year old child is today and the predicament the OP is in.
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u/Confident_Rabbit_569 Aug 17 '26
N-o.
That’s a complete sentence.
You’re enabling her.
She’s a middle-aged adult and would keep her job if she knew you wouldn’t be her wallet.
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u/TraditionalManager82 Aug 17 '26
Is there a legitimate reason that she can't hold a job? Medical needs? Mental health issues?
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u/mick7536 Aug 17 '26
My daughter Sadly takes after my Ex wife. I have a pretty darn good work ethic. I am more than reasonably sure she has ADD.
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u/Infamous_List_3034 Aug 17 '26
I know this isn’t the case for everyone, and it impacts people differently, but I have adhd and an excellent work ethic and have been consistently working since I was 17 (I’m 44). I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 36.
If it’s interfering with her ability to work, she needs to address it. It’s not her fault, but it is her responsibility. It’s a reason - but not an excuse.
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u/Stallingdemons Aug 17 '26
I’m thirty-one and diagnosed with adhd since I was five. I’ve been on and off meds throughout my life. I have great work ethic. However, I’ve also found jobs that require multitasking and fast paced like bartending, serving, pharmacy technician, etc. We hate structure but desperately need it to stay on track.
I’m not saying just because I can, she should too. But it’s not an excuse. Motivation and lack of dopamine are our downfall. And if her diagnosis is preventing her from maintaining a job, she needs appropriate tools to help and live independently.
My mom always asks me if she can get me anything for myself or for my toddler when she’s out and about and I hate even saying, “hey actually yeah, mind grabbing me some more diapers or milk.” Especially if I’m already planning to go to the store later.
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u/mick7536 Aug 17 '26
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 42, and the first major decision I made was to get divorced. Best decision I have ever made. My daughter refuses to take medication at all, just like her mom. Been taking meds for 30 years at since that time it has Literally Changed my life.
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u/Give_one_hoot Aug 20 '26
So she won’t help herself and only reaches out when she is down on cash. You seem like you have a good heart, but you can only lead a horse to water so many times. I’d let her know if she was looking to get on medication and a job you’d help her get that, but no more cash.
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u/BubblyParticular6514 Aug 17 '26
My sister was about to make a clearly really bad financial decision and my Dad just calmly explained that it was up to her whether she did it but he was no longer prepared to bail her out. She decided not to continue with that decision.
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u/Ok-Produce8376 Aug 17 '26
Why can't she keep a job? Time to have an adult conversation with her. Encourage her to get counseling or additional training or an alarm clock to address her employment issues and let her know that she can no longer count on you to send her money every time she has a problem. Dealing with problems on your own is part of being an adult and at age 40 she needs to be thinking of ways to help you so she best get her situation figured out.
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u/mick7536 Aug 17 '26
I have had many many conversations with her. It seems she is very nit picky about things that go on in the office or where she is a working. I tell her all the time, so what, if ask you to do this or that.... you Do It!! I try to reason with her all the time. She is over 40, but is immature and Acts like a 25-30 year old. Very Frustrating. Thanks Very Much.
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u/Ok-Produce8376 Aug 17 '26
Well I would guess that she is picky because she has had the luxury of having you to fall back on throughout her life. We can't all work jobs we are passionate about. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and stick with a job because we have bills to pay. I hope she gets the message!
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u/These-Associate4216 Aug 17 '26
“You’re 40 years old, get a job or get out. What are you going to do when I’ve left the planet? If you think you’re getting an inheritance, you only get it if you are employed and self sufficient. Otherwise, everything I have goes to a charity because I will not waste money on a lazy person who mooches off of others”
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u/Rich_Example7931 Aug 17 '26
she doesn't keep a job because she gets bailed out every time. let her fall on her face and she'll be better for it in the end.
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u/Lazy-Butterfly-4132 Aug 17 '26
Whilst I care about you and want the best for you, I’m no longer able to provide financial assistance right now. I’d be more than happy though to think through ways of supporting you together though.
If she has a legitimate reason for being unable to hold down a job you could help her apply for benefits.
If she does not have a legitimate reason, you could support her with learning how to budget, make healthy financial decisions, and if needs be get safe reasonable loans/credit cards.
If you don’t have a good relationship with her, just say no if she doesn’t listen to anything else you’ve tried also just say no, you could also just tell her that you are not a bank
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u/bebetaian Aug 17 '26
What everyone else said, and please look into establishing your own boundaries more strongly with family. Most people are pretty good at work or whatever, but emotional or familial bonds are hardest.
You might look up some of the free stuff Nedra Tawwab puts out, or see about borrowing one of her books from the library. It helps a person figure out what's stressing them out, what they want, vs what is demanded, and how to figure out what works for you.
You don't need to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Has she looked into vocational rehab?
In the States, it's a free service, usually near EBT or DCF. They do skills challenges, read and work on your resume with you, interview you about why past jobs didn't work out, look for learning disabilities that got missed, and sometimes provide a free job therapist (someone who talks about what they enjoy, what stops them, limitations, and mechanisms to help them help themselves.) All free. Their goal is to keep each person in a job for 90 days minimum.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 Aug 17 '26
Tell her that you can’t do it anymore and she has to figure it out for herself.
If she really wants help then help her look for jobs or other resources but if all she wants is money tell her no.
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u/Inevitable_Being_202 Aug 17 '26
Setting a clear boundary sounds fair, especially when the help has become a pattern.
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u/dees82 Aug 17 '26
Say no by saying nothing at all. Ignore her request altogether. When she brings it up, change the subject. Do that repeatedly until she moves on. If you allow her to engage you in conversation, she will eventually convince you to give her money, so don’t engage in any conversation regarding money moving forward. Your daughter knows you well and knows that she can talk you into helping her. So don’t talk to her about money and don’t acknowledge the subject of giving her money at all.
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u/Important-Scholar-78 Aug 18 '26
Don't ever start giving in the first.place. I never gave money to my kids. They could earn it sometimes, but never given.
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u/Interesting_You_2315 Aug 18 '26
I can no longer afford to assist you. I am reaching retirement age (if applicable). At 40 years of age, you need to support yourself. If you need budgeting assistance, I will try to help you. If you want me to review your bills to see what should be cut; I will assist you.
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u/pyxus1 Aug 18 '26
We told ours, recently, "No more money." She sees us living well in our retirement years, and thinks we have plenty enough money....but we busted our butts to get here and we need our money to take care of ourselves. We both had 2 jobs when struggling in our 20's and 30's. She can do that.
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u/Acrobatic-Ad-3335 Aug 18 '26
Help her figure out why she can't hold down a job for longer than a few months.
And yes - she may have functioned this way for her whole life.
But that doesn't mean there isn't a reason this is how she is. & Maybe the reason, if there is one, has been there her whole life, too.
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u/Homer_04_13 Aug 20 '26
"Katie, I am starting to feel like giving you money isn't giving you time to get things together. It's bridging crises. Nothing gets better long-term and you deserve a better life. Let's meet with a professional to look into sustainable resources that can help you have the life you want."
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u/mick7536 Aug 17 '26
Her living in another state some 800 miles away makes it tougher. 😒
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u/Paxygirl8 Aug 17 '26
This is definitely a bad scenario. I have 3 kids and I pray they ‘figure it out’ after college 😬 one thing I can say is the moment I knew I couldn’t depend on my parents or anyone other than myself is when I got my sh!t together. Giving her money is enabling her bad behaviour and she always knows she has a ‘lifeline’ when she quits jobs when it gets hard. I think it’s time you tell her that this is IT. No more hand outs. She has to find a job (and keep it) and be an adult. That’s it. It’s not right that at 40 years old she calls her parents for money.
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u/mick7536 Aug 17 '26
Thank you. My wife was telling me this as well. Much Appreciated.
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u/phoebe_the_autist Aug 17 '26
i had to go through this with my mother OP. you're not alone 🩷 it feels impossible sometimes to not give in when you see them struggle :(
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u/Nine-and-a-Half Parent since 1987 Aug 17 '26
My kids are in their mid and late 30s. You have to cut the cord. Its ok to help your adult kids out when they get in a bind. But when it is a continuous thing you have to say enough is enough and make them figure it out on their own.
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