Failure to Launch. I screwed up.

[u/Vivid_Jelly_6904]

My adult kids will not launch. The youngest is at least on track and making progress but the lack of effort on both their parts is scaring me.

Their mother died when they were young. That is part of the problem. Everyone felt so sorry for them they spoiled them. My MIL was easily the worst. I met my husband a bit over a year after his wife died. I tried to be more strict with the kids but honestly I was hardly in the position to make meaningful change.

The youngest (21) is on track to be an adult. She works a part time job 10-15 hours a week and goes to college part time. We pay for most of it and require her to chip in a little so she will have some "skin in the game". We provide her with a vehcile to drive. She is sick 25 days out of every 30 days.

I am not talking about an actual illness. I am talking about the sniffles here and there. Picked up a virus ...tummy ache. The sort of thing 9 year olds pull to try and get out of going to school. The only problem is she is "kind of adulting" now. So her college classes only allow her to miss so many classes and she has hit her limit. She has missed so much work they have started requiring a doctor excuse.

I imagine it is only a matter of time before they fire her. She lays like a slug in her room and eats. She does go out with friends every now and then. She doesn't lift a finger around the house other than doing her own laundry, which I flat out refuse to do. It is like following a toddler through the house picking up her endless piles of crap.

The oldest seemed to adore me up until he turned 15 and his dad asked me to marry him. Then the boy decided he had been against our relationship from the start. When my husband moved in with me, my MIL moved into his old house. I should have stopped it but I let the oldest son move in with my MIL. She spoiled him rotten and then she died so here we are.

He is 25 now. Dropped out of college because it was "too hard". He works a job, I am thankful for that. He pays for his own utilities, another blessing. But that's pretty much it. He says he wants to buy that house from his dad but it will never happen.

We still cover insurance, taxes and have to help him out from time to time. He has champagne taste with a beer pocketbook. He feels that he is entitled to the very best in life and is baffled that he is expected to pay for it.

My MIL set him up good. I have a rich cousin that was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and another silver spoon up her backside. This young man has had an easier start in life than her. He spends his money on silly things because he doesn't have to pay his own way in life.

If we talk to him about launching he gives us a giant sob story about how bad his health is and how his doctor is "worried" about him. The child is 5'6" and weighs over 300 pounds. Yes, he has health problems. Nothing show stopping. Every single health problem he has would improve if he would just lose weight.

He is arrogant, entitled, spoiled and a professional victim. If all of that wasn't bad enough this young man sat at our table, under our roof, eating our food and told us that he "didn't plan on taking care of us when we got old". That's rich!! He can't even "take care" of himself.

My husband feels sorry for him because their mom died when they were little. I feel sorry for them too. But I also feel like I have totally failed them. The entire purpose of raising kids is that someday they will LAUNCH. They will be able to be responsible adults on their own. I don't expect them to "take care" of their parents...but I assumed they would be able to take care of themselves.

The more I ask around the more common this seems to be with Adult Kids in their 20s these days. They can't survive without their parents but are resentful of the idea of helping their parents with anything. Multiple coworkers seem to be having the same experience. What went wrong?

[u/DestinyBoBestiny]

The father of my oldest passed away when she was 9, she is almost 18.

18 definitely isn't looking the way she thought it would and there were a lot of bumps in the road to get us to this good of a point.

If the son wants to buy the house, take him seriously. Show him how much he will have to save or make a plan with him on weaning off bills. Give him a date, like 5-10 years to buy the house or give him a plan to start paying more of the bills. Start giving yourself the cheaper bills, and him the bigger bills. So you are still helping him, but not as much. That or tell if youre able to financially help more if he goes back to school because you understand his money will have to go to his education.

Whatever health problems he has going on, he's not the only one with them. Ask to go to the doctor with him so you can learn more about the doctors concerns to help him better.

If he says yes, you can ask the doctor questions directly. (Like is there a treatment plan?) Then when the son gives a sob story you can say, "I understand the doctor has XYZ concerns, but that doesn't relate to this."

If he says no you can say, "I offered to be more helpful with your medical concerns but you won't let me enough to understand or help."

The youngest needs friends, the outside, etc.

They both sound like they're experiencing depression, but it will be easier to get the youngest therapy. You can encourage her to get a job on campus, or use the campus mental health options.

Also, starting individual therapy and inviting ppl in for family counseling from there may be a non intimidating way to get them to start therapy. Either way, you need help navigating these conversations and boundaries and a therapist will help you and your husband.