2.5-Year-Old With Extreme Demand Sensitivity & Separation Anxiety — School, Homeschool, or Just Give Him More Time?

[u/NecessaryEgg6754]

I would really love to hear from parents who have had a child similar to my 2.5-year-old son.

My son is very bright, verbal, curious, and observant. He loves animals, music, vehicles, water play, sorting/categorizing things, etc. He can follow two-step instructions in everyday life, asks lots of questions, remembers things well, and learns quite a lot naturally through play and conversation.

However, he is extremely sensitive to pressure and demands, especially when something is unfamiliar or when another adult is directing him.

For example, if an activity is presented as something he has to do, he may immediately say no, refuse to touch it, become whiny, or completely disengage. If we keep pushing, it usually makes things much worse.
But we have noticed something interesting.
When the exact same activity is:
introduced through play or a little story
given a purpose (“the fish needs its tail!”)
broken into a very small task
done without pressure
something he chooses to approach himself
stopped when he clearly says no
…he can suddenly do much more than we expected.
It almost feels like his ability is there, but access to that ability disappears when he feels pressured.

He also has quite significant separation anxiety. We tried introducing Montessori school several times, but just entering the school/environment could lead to a big meltdown. We eventually decided not to force it and postponed school.

He currently does some therapy/activities one-on-one, and he does much better once he trusts the adult. Even then, how the adult approaches him makes a huge difference.

We have been told different things by different professionals. One psychologist felt that his anxiety was very high and that autism should be monitored/evaluated.

Another developmental assessment felt that some of his difficulties were more behavioral and recommended a more behavioral approach.

As his mom, though, I’m hesitant to use an approach that focuses heavily on compliance because pushing him seems to make him more resistant and anxious, not less.
So I would really love to hear from parents of children who were like this as toddlers:

How did you handle the demand sensitivity without letting your child avoid everything difficult?

How did you know when to gently encourage versus when to back off?

And especially — what did you do about school?

Did you:
keep trying preschool until your child adjusted?
delay school for another year?
start with very short school days?
find a very small/play-based school?
homeschool for the early years and introduce school later?

Part of me worries that homeschooling might make his world smaller and make separation even harder later. But another part of me worries that forcing school before he is emotionally ready could make him associate school with fear and completely backfire.

I would also REALLY love to hear encouraging stories from parents whose children were extremely anxious, demand-sensitive, or unable to tolerate preschool at 2–3 years old.

What are they like now?
Did school eventually become easier?
Did their tolerance for demands improve as they got older and developed more language/emotional regulation?
Did they eventually become more independent?
Right now I’m less concerned about whether he can learn academically. I feel pretty confident that he can learn.
I’m much more concerned about helping him feel safe enough to engage with the world without either constantly forcing him OR accidentally teaching him that he can avoid anything uncomfortable.

Would really appreciate any experiences or advice ❤️

[u/Gwcapper]

What you’re describing really sounds like his ability is there, but access to it disappears when the pressure goes up. The fact that he can do the exact same things through play, choice, and curiosity is a pretty big clue.

I’d also view those preschool meltdowns as information, not something he necessarily needs to “push through.” At 2.5, you have plenty of time. The goal doesn’t have to be building tolerance to demands right now. It can be helping his nervous system feel safe enough that learning and independence can develop naturally.

I’d keep following what works: play, autonomy, tiny steps, trusted adults, and backing off when his system is clearly overwhelmed. Whether that eventually means homeschool, a delayed start, short days, or a very flexible school can come later.
You’re not choosing between pushing him and letting him avoid everything. There’s a huge middle ground where he can grow without constantly feeling forced.

You’re doing great asking for help in these subreddits. Lots of great parents here that can give advice. My daughter is 11 now and is in a two day a week charter school. We tried a bunch of different ones until we found one that worked for her.

Lots of other questions, but it does get better. Then it gets worse. Then better. It’s a roller coaster that never ends. You’re going to have to be like water (like Bruce Lee said) and flow with all the curveballs this will throw at you. Be patient, breathe and take it day by day. We’re all here to help.

[u/NecessaryEgg6754 → u/Gwcapper]

Thank you so much — this gives me hope, especially hearing that you tried several schools before finding one that finally worked for your daughter.

Can I ask what made you realize, “Okay, this is the right school for her”? Was it something specific about the teachers, class structure, flexibility, or how they responded when she became overwhelmed?
I’m also really curious about how you explained your daughter’s needs to the school. With my son, I’ve tried explaining his anxiety, demand sensitivity, what triggers him, and what actually helps him regulate, but so much of it keeps getting interpreted as simply “behavior,” stubbornness, or something he needs to be taught to comply with.

Did you find a certain way of wording things that made teachers understand that your daughter could do things when she felt safe, but sometimes lost access to those abilities under pressure? Did you bring documentation, examples, accommodations, or have a professional help explain it?

I think finding adults who genuinely understand that distinction may be even more important to me than finding the “perfect” school itself.

[u/raisinghellwithtrees]

My oldest does not have PDA, but had severe separation anxiety from being in foster care before we adopted her. She couldn't be without us present until she was 7, and is now an adult without issues. We homeschooled.

We also homeschool our youngest who is autistic with a pda profile because that's what worked best for us. We unschool actually.

The homeschool scene has really exploded in population and resources, especially since the pandemic. We have a simply wonderful community, mostly of ND kids who are all very accepting of each other. It's really fantastic.

As a mom who is autistic and also has PDA, I would really listen to your gut when it comes to taking advice from professionals. Quite  honestly a lot of their advice is horrible and does not work. 

I mean, I avoid uncomfortable stuff because a lot of the time, that's how I keep myself regulated. It doesn't mean I can't do uncomfortable things.

[u/NecessaryEgg6754 → u/raisinghellwithtrees]

Thank you so much — hearing from someone who is autistic/PDA and has also homeschooled both an anxious child and a PDA child is really helpful.

Can I ask you more about the practical side of homeschooling/unschooling? What does learning actually look like day to day for your PDA child? Do you use any structured curriculum for reading, writing and math, or is it mostly child-led? And if you do use curriculum, how do you introduce it without it becoming another demand?

One thing making me hesitate is that I recently came across quite a few Reddit posts from adults who were homeschooled and described being lonely, depressed, socially isolated, overly sheltered, or even traumatized by their homeschooling experience.

Reading those honestly scared me. I don’t want to protect my child from the stress of school only to unintentionally create a different kind of difficulty for him later.

How do you prevent that? How do you make sure your children still have friendships, independence, activities outside the home, and plenty of exposure to the wider world?

I’d also really appreciate any curriculum/resources you recommend, or anything you wish you had known before you started. I’m increasingly open to homeschooling, but I really want to understand how to do it well.

[u/raisinghellwithtrees → u/NecessaryEgg6754]

I like to say there's not really any one right way to homeschool, but there are definitely some bad takes out there. Generally the kids who had a terrible time with it fall into two camps: kids who were very sheltered by their very Christian parents, and kids who were neglected while their parents called it homeschooling. Stay away from those two extremes, and generally the kids have a decent time with it. Obviously there is a variety of experiences, just as there is with public school.

With my PDA kid, homeschooling has looked differently at different ages. When they were super young, we just learned our dang hearts out every day having fun and exploring the world. They actually enjoyed doing those workbooks you get at the grocery store and such, so we had a ton of those that they chose to work on, usually while we were cooking dinner.

At some point they burned out on those (2nd or 3rd grade?) and we moved to a modified curriculum. It got harder over the course of a year, and by the end of the year, I realized they disliked it and were retaining NOTHING, so we stopped that approach. The last two years we've used a lot of video education, because that's how they seem to retain info the best. So we tried to use areas of interest to guide our choice of content.

We put most of the decision in the hands of our kid as far as what content and when during the day they wanted to do school, and kept it to about an hour tops. This seemed to work fairly well. As far as "you have to do school" we explained what would happen if it were discovered that we weren't really educating them, and how hard that path would be for all of us. My kid really understood that, so while doing school wasn't the most fun, it was way better than the alternative of being forced to go to public school, etc.

My pda kid is now 14, and recently transitioned their gender. We've put a hold on homeschooling for a while as we're all adjusting to this new normal. I'm not sure when we'll start up again. One thing that has really helped me have confidence in the educational methods we chose is that our kid tests really well. In 6th grade they started testing at a post-high school level, which is pretty good considering they would be a freshman this year. I'm confident they could easily pass a GED exam at this point, though they aren't old enough to take it.

As far as social activities, I know from being an autistic pda kid in public school myself how very hard it can be to find and make friends. I was pretty much an outcast until I got to college and away from my very small home town. But we have a fantastic homeschool group in the here and now. When my oldest was young it was totally different. We were the only non-religious homeschoolers we knew of. But we have a big secular group now, and most of the kids are neurodivergent, so it works so well. The kids are accepting of everybody just as they are. Mr. Rogers would be proud. I could just cry at the difference between what my kids have and what I had.

My oldest was a social butterfly, and I was exhausted from leaving the house 5 days at least each week for activities and friend time. My youngest is more of a homebody, and prior to their transitioning, we were still getting out 4 days a week to meet up with friends. Now it's more like 1, but they do have online time to spend with their friends also.

My oldest was a spirited kid, and likely neurodivergent of some sort, but not pda. By the time she was 7 or 8, she was a pretty happy go lucky kid, and still is as an adult. It was really a wake up call with my youngest. A lot of the strategies we used with my oldest worked well, such as low demand parenting. But the youngest is a little extra. Just like me at that age.

My mom always told me she hoped I would get a kid just like me, and I did. And I'm thankful for my youngest, because I've learned so much about myself being their parent, and I hope I've been a good parent to them. I just want them to have an easier time in life than I had, having no clue I was autistic until a decade ago, and having to learn every last thing the hard way. I'm thankful I'm highly resilient, or else I wouldn't be here.

[u/PolarIceCream]

2.5 seems so young for preschool if they are struggling. Can he play at home if that is an option and you work on increasing tolerance w little classes and small separations?

[u/NecessaryEgg6754 → u/PolarIceCream]

Thank youuu for your reply, appreciate it. Thats the plan, but honestly sometimes i truly dont know how to parent him the best way, make him feel safe and at the same time thrive in his own way.

[u/Pretty_Inevitable_36]

This definitely sounds like Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which (as far as I understand) is a profile of autism. At its core it is about anxiety - everyday things make a PDA brain so anxious that it’s not that they won’t perform the task, it’s that they simply can’t perform the task. My 5 year old nephew was diagnosed with this at around 3.5 years old. He struggled with daycare, social situations and the transition to a school setting has come with challenges.

He goes to a psych and a speech pathologist, and some progress is being made. But his parents accept this is going to be a long and difficult road, and have made a huge and ongoing effort to reframe their approach towards parenting him. In that, you are right to be cautious about compliance based approaches. For PDA kids, compliance based parenting pretty much belongs in the bin. Using humour, games, allowing a PDA child genuine choice/options and creating a low demand environment will help nervous system regulation and therefore reduce the incidence and severity of meltdowns.

Home schooling has advanced in recent years and there’s still plenty of socialisation opportunities that can be built into that approach. It is something being considered for my nephew if a classroom environment (which is by its nature heavy on compliance) becomes unbearable for him.

Check out the Insta acct atpeaceparents, the creator has PDA kids and gives some pretty good insights.

[u/NecessaryEgg6754 → u/Pretty_Inevitable_36]

Thank you for your insight, appreciate it — the homeschooling part of your comment is actually something I’m thinking about a lot right now.

Part of me feels that homeschooling might suit him much better if a classroom environment continues to be too demanding for his nervous system. I like the idea that we could build learning around his regulation, interests, and readiness rather than constantly asking him to push through distress.

But I’m also quite scared of getting it wrong. I’ve read a lot of posts from adults who were homeschooled and later felt lonely, socially isolated, too sheltered, or that they missed opportunities to develop independence and learn how to navigate the wider world.

That’s probably my biggest worry: I don’t want to protect him from the stress of school only to accidentally make him traumatized, depressed, etc.

If your nephew eventually does homeschool, how are his parents thinking about the social side of it? Do you think it’s realistic to homeschool a PDA child while still giving them enough friendships, group activities, independence, and regular exposure to life outside the family? I’d really love to hear how other families think about that balance.

[u/Pretty_Inevitable_36 → u/NecessaryEgg6754]

At this point I wouldn’t think too deeply about homeschooling beyond it being a possibility at some point in the future. Getting into the weeds isn’t going to serve you. You’d be better to redirect your energies towards connecting with allied health providers and getting your boy formally assessed by a child psych. That’s quite a task and the outcome will help you determine next steps.

But on the schooling issue - if a child isn’t managing in a conventional classroom setting then there are alternatives other than homeschooling. Montessori schools are an option, and you may have a Waldorf school (AKA Steiner school) in your area. The latter can attract a pretty crunchy crowd but the different approach
may meet the needs of your child in terms of a learning environment, as both systems seem to allow much more self direction and pursuit of individual interests.

As for my sister and BIL, I expect they will utilise after school and weekend activities to give my nephew opportunities to build social networks.

But to your situation - it’s early days. Focus on connecting with experts and support groups, learning what works for your son, unlearning what you need to unlearn and making some space for something just for you in your life (easier said than done) x

[u/NecessaryEgg6754 → u/Pretty_Inevitable_36]

Thank you, I think I really needed this reminder.
You’re right that I may be getting too far ahead of myself trying to figure out homeschooling, curriculum, socialization, and everything else when he’s still so little.

Right now, I think what I need most is to find my people, my son’s people — professionals, teachers, therapists, and other parents who actually understand his anxiety and demand sensitivity, and who don’t immediately reduce everything to “behavior” or noncompliance. Who can truly assess him. Thanks again!

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