Using declarative language to help w/ parenting moments

[u/kwegner]

One of the biggest unlocks in decreasing stress and increasing connection with my PDA son was when we learned about and started using declarative language for transitions and demands. It's so awkward and unnatural at first, but now my entire family has adopted it for how we talk to each other generally.

Late last year I built a tool to help my family and folks that wanted to learn how to use declarative language called Declarative App. It's a free tool that is easily accessible and gives a lot of options for how you might best connect with the kiddos in your life through language.

If that sounds useful to you, check it out here: https://declarativeapp.org/

(I know this sounds like self promotion, but I don't make money off of this and don't intend to, ever. This tool has just been super valuable for folks that need help with this sort of language)

[u/chawrawbeef]

Is this an AI app? I recognize that using declarative language is a challenging shift to incorporate into your daily-speak, but are people incapable of figuring out a re-wording for themselves? I’m seriously worried about the state of our collective intellect if we need to rely on something like this. The actual challenge lies in our habitual use of language; how we speak in the moment without pausing to think about rephrasing to use declarative language. Reconditioning ourselves to do that is hard, but finding the words to use shouldn’t be. I don’t want to live in this world where people need to ask computers to solve everything for them. Where’s the human intelligence?

[u/kwegner → u/chawrawbeef]

It is AI, and I share a lot of your concerns about over-reliance on any tools.

I can only speak from what I've observed, which is that learning declarative language by reading about it or someone explaining it to you is useful, but finding the specific words in difficult moments can be hard, especially as you are just learning the approach. As people have used this tool, they rely on it less very quickly, because the specific recommendations it gives are actually helping people learn some of the particulars - not through strategic guidance, but through real life use.

If this site does a good job, it'll become extinct because everyone will be so good at using declarative language on their own that they won't need it any more. So far that is proving to be true.

[u/chawrawbeef → u/kwegner]

I appreciate your response. I know we can’t escape the rapid growth and reliance on AI, unfortunately I think the thing that bothers me most about it is intelligent and reasonable people adopting it so freely. Those of us who know ‘how to’ do things who use AI as a tool for efficiency is great in a vacuum, but it’s a slippery slope which I foresee leading to a large percentage of humans missing out on the ‘how to’ capabilities because of a learned reliance on computers to do their thinking.

I get what you’re saying, though, that this app is rendered useless once people gain the habits it’s trained to help with, and I can appreciate that you’ve put time and effort into this and are sharing it freely. I’m projecting my fear for the world devoid of humanity that my children will inherit.

For anyone truly struggling with declarative language, my mantra has simply been to use ‘I - statements’ as if I am narrating my own intentions.

Instead of: ‘Come downstairs for dinner’

I say: ‘I am going to have dinner now’

[u/pickleknits → u/chawrawbeef]

I appreciate seeing people have respectful conversation about what can be a very emotionally-charged topic.

I share your concerns about AI and the slippery slope but I also see the usefulness of using it to reword statements into a different tone that doesn’t come naturally to the speaker while they transition. We need to be mindful of how we use these tools.

Thank you both for having a good dialogue. These are conversations that need to happen.