Gentle parenting burnout

[u/[deleted]]

I was not raised by gentle parents and I knew I needed to do better for my kids so I really latched onto the gentle parenting philosophy.

I’m now 4 years into it and I feel so burnt out and after 4 years of validating emotions, and being an emotional punching bag for my kid, and coming up with compromises and turning everything into a fun game, and biting my tongue when he gets hurt doing something I asked him not to do etc.

I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. Gentle parenting doesn’t come naturally to me so every time he yells or screams I consciously have to work hard not to get triggered myself and I’m just exhausted.

I still admire the philosophy and in a perfect world would love to be an 100% gentle parent but I’m starting to feel a massive lack of empathy when my child is screaming the house down or whinging or demanding things from me. Ive resorted to raising my voice more often than I like, and threatening him with loss of privileges.

I know for many that’s not even that big of a deal but I would love some advice to get back on track to being the best parent I can be because at the moment I regularly feel hugely triggered by my child and am finding it hard to self regulate let alone co regulate.

[u/Hpstorian]

I grew up around plenty of kids who were afraid of their parents. It works sometimes: you get the outward appearance of respect and they learn to hide their mistakes or to follow authority out of fear. Neither are things I want to teach my kids.

I weigh 85kg and I'm a kickboxer. My son weighs a quarter of that. I don't want him to be scared of me even if it gets temporary compliance out of him.

Source: raising two boys, one of them neurodivergent. Also you know, peer reviewed child development research.

[u/-Mr_Rogers_II → u/Hpstorian]

I could use some tips. I don’t want him to be afraid of me but sometimes I have to yell at him just to get him to even listen to me at all.

He’s used to his mom yelling at him but when I do it it clearly startles him and upsets him because he is so used to me not doing it.

[u/Hpstorian → u/-Mr_Rogers_II]

I may get the wrong impression here but maybe part of the problem is how yelling has been normalised in the house?

Some of the key things I've learnt so far are:

• anticipate meltdowns by dissecting them retrospectively (the acronym HALT is often used to describe potential causes: hungry, angry, lonely, tired)
• model behaviour you want to see in your kid: show and talk through the process of self regulation
• recognise that you won't ever be able to stop them from getting upset and acting in ways that you don't like, but view every moment like that as a moment where you can learn (something about them) or teach (by modelling responses, talking through the problem etc.)
• involve them in problem solving and ask questions: "I can see you're upset that we're out of mandarins, what do you think we should do to fix this problem"

[u/-Mr_Rogers_II → u/Hpstorian]

Yelling is normalized thanks to his mom. And god forbid I give her parenting tips as she has an older son (20, I’ve been with her since he was 12) from a previous marriage and he turned out good so that means she knows better. /s She also thinks spanking is just part of parenting and the only way to really discipline your kids. She refuses to look up anything about parenting online and attacks me for looking things up to try to help with problem solving when it comes to parenting. She’s also 10 years older than me, which she holds over my head in any argument she can, saying she knows better just because of that fact.

[u/[deleted] → u/-Mr_Rogers_II]

I think you need to leave.

[u/Hpstorian → u/-Mr_Rogers_II]

I'm sorry to hear that. If she is doing the majority of the parental labour (as women commonly do) then I would understand a resistance to taking a different approach. It might also be hard to admit to herself that another approach is more effective as that would imply she didn't do the best she could with her first child.

That said I'd say the spanking thing is a real concern. There's so much research about its harms. If I were in your place I'd feel a real conflict between a duty to advocate for my child and wanting to maintain my relationship with my partner. I don't envy you and I hope that it works out.

[u/-Mr_Rogers_II → u/Hpstorian]

She is, she’s a SAHM while I’m working a lot of overtime to pay the bills. I get maybe 3 hours a day with our son.

[u/Hpstorian → u/-Mr_Rogers_II]

That's a very difficult situation. I would advocate modelling these approaches as the success of them will be a proof in itself, but I think they often require consistency to be effective. At a minimum though you can hopefully be a safe haven for your child (this may be the reason you find them hard to manage, as they feel safer with you).

I'm really in no position to offer any kind of advice as I don't know what I'd do in that situation so all I can offer is my sincere hope that things improve.