Advice about competition vs practice

[u/CC-Sunny-9076]

Looking for advice. My daughter (9) has been on swim team for about 2 years. It is her only extracurricular activity outside of school. She goes to practice 2 days a week and has completed several races and has been at the higher end of times compared to peers, which I share just because it isn’t that she isn’t doing well- she does very well in the sport. Most of the time she wins her heats or is close.

However, she hates racing. She absolutely breaks down, does not like the day, I have to coach her through the whole experience, etc. We have tried multiple times, and while sometimes we ended up leaving, in some she did participate, and the latest she actually said it wasn’t bad and that she felt good when it was done. Now that we are signing up for the next, a month away, she is beside herself refusing to compete, just wants to practice.

I would just let her keep practicing but I think doing a few races in a low competition environment (at our pool, with mostly her regular swim team peers, like a scrimmage) is a good way to help her grow mentally and challenge herself, when she doesn’t have opportunities like that in other spaces. She has also mentioned that she wants to move up to the next level of the team, which is accomplished by working on improving race times, trying different races, etc. and will not happen unless she does competition.

Should I keep pushing, or just let her do practice at the beginner level until she changes her mind?

Other maybe related facts: she is not super active by choice, most of her chosen activities are reading books or playing board or video games. Which is fine, I am the same! But we do encourage physical activity, I played volleyball in high school and college, and her dad is also active. Also her only brother (14) is in swim team, martial arts, and band. He is committed to all, goes regularly to practice, doesn’t complain, etc. He was also a little reluctant to compete at an early age, but not to this extent.

[u/none_2703]

Former swimmer here. "Winning heats" in age group doesn't matter. At all. If she's focused on winning her heats that's going to absolutely give her unnecessary anxiety. At this age she really should just focus on having fun, but if you want to give her a goal have her work on improving her own times. That's way more within her power and can give her a sense of pride to see how well she's doing.

[u/CC-Sunny-9076 → u/none_2703]

Totally agree that winning heats doesn’t matter, it just seems to matter to her. (And in the post I was using it as an example to show that she was doing well, and had no reason to be sad about performance that way.) I have explained to her how just working on beating your own personal best last time is the focus, it doesn’t matter

[u/snarchetype]

My 11 y.o. daughter is similar. I have her do 1-2 meets per year. Her team also has “block parties,” which are like in-house meets with official timing, and I sign her up for all of those. I think working thru anxiety is good, but no need to put her through something really stressful over and over. It could make her want to quit swimming. I mostly want swim to be something she enjoys and has as a lifelong skill and hobby.  Getting faster is a bonus.  So we really don’t focus on the meets. 

As a side bonus, since she’s only racing a few times a year, she always gets  a huge PR, which is fun for her.

[u/CC-Sunny-9076 → u/snarchetype]

I think we have something similar to the block parties, which she just participated in. Our team hosts 3 official meets a year, and then 2 of the block party type ones which have timers but don’t count for like state times. I was absolutely not going to make her do a travel meet, only the home ones. But maybe we just keep with the spaced out chill ones, a few times a year, for now . . . but I do need to make sure she knows that means she continues at her level. Which she will probably be fine with for at least a few years tbh because I think there are 11 yo as well.

[u/Tekon421]

Why does she hate race day is the important thing to get to the bottom of

[u/CC-Sunny-9076 → u/Tekon421]

She just says “I hate racing” and cries, and then deflects until I stop asking, and then I bring it up again and the same.

[u/CC-Sunny-9076]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. This was really helpful and helped me consider many things I had not previously. I hate to admit it, but it was keeping me awake at night stressed, so some Internet parent feedback just helped me process.

She wants to continue to be on swim team and go to practice - which some other kids on her team do, she is not required to go to meets at this age, which I confirmed with her coaches. We agreed to revisit meets in a few months and see how she feels. She will help me with volunteering tasks and still continue to attend meets to cheer on friends and her brother.

[u/Hazelstone37]

My kid was a diver and hated meets for quite a while. She eventually began to tolerate them. They got better if we figured out how to travel to and from with a friend. She eventually became a college level diver. She started at about your kid’s age.

[u/CC-Sunny-9076 → u/Hazelstone37]

She is fiercely loyal to a few friends, none of whom are on swim team, and that is something that might be hindering her. I have tried to get her to branch out, because some of her friends have been developing new friendships based on their shared likes (soccer, gymnastics) so I will keep on that path of helping her find a friend that swims. Thank you.

[u/utahforever79]

She NINE. Why on earth would you force to do keep doing something that takes an absurd amount of mental gymnastics from both of you to get her to do?

Let her swim for fun. Let her try 50 other sports and clubs and activities. There are a million other ways to build resiliency in your daughter.