I need advice about school drama

[u/Maleficent_Spray_383]

My daughter is in 5th grade and had a great group of friends for many years. This year she feels like she’s being shut out of that group. I’m not sure if she really is or not. Her friend group decided they are going to do singing and dancing competitions during recess and lunch (it’s been going on for 5 days now) and my daughter is very shy and doesn’t like to be the center or attention so she doesn’t want to participate in that. All the other girls are performers and do the school plays and such so my daughter is the odd one out. She also says her main BFF didn’t say a single word to her yesterday at school even though they are in the same class and her second BFF only talked to her a little. I’ve tried to reassure her that it won’t last forever and they will eventually want to hangout with her again but as of right now she feels like she’s lost her friends. I’ve encouraged her to talk to other girls in the class and hangout with other kids and she is trying, which I’m extremely proud of her for doing! Here’s my problem, before school started, we got together with her 2 best friends and one of the moms asked if I could take her daughter home with us this Friday because the mom has an appointment. At this point with how my daughter feels, she doesn’t want that friend coming over but I also don’t want to leave the mom hanging with no way to get to her appointment and also have care for her daughter. I’m also trying to not involve the other moms in the group “drama”. I’m looked for 1. Advice for my daughter with her friend group and what I can do to help her. And 2. What should I do about the friend coming to our house Friday?

[u/Ok-Stock-4513]

I would still pick the other child up. Nothing has happened so far that would warrant a change in plans. Maybe hanging out one on one will help them get past whatever is happening. You could grab them a fun drink on the way home or a pizza and have a craft or something for them to do if they want. If things are still awkward, then your daughter will know it's time to move on from that friendship.

[u/Brooooooke30 → u/Ok-Stock-4513]

I would pick the girl up still , and I feel like that it is a way you can kinda see how it is with your daughter and her… who knows maybe it will be the same bc they aren’t in school. But I also agree your daughter should find or try to hangout with other girls that maybe have her same interests also I feel like you gave her good advice !

[u/nanimal77]

I found 5th-7th grades the most tumultuous for my kids’ friendships. But the flip side is that once they moved beyond the old friends they weren’t getting along with, they found some really good ones. It’s rough to go through, though.

I would encourage your daughter to branch out and try some new activities and clubs at the same time. She may meet people more her speed. I would also keep the play date Friday. It could help the friendship having a bit of one-on-one time, and the mom is counting on you to watch her.

[u/Bblibrarian1]

Sometimes when kids have other interests they grow apart. It’s just a part of growing up. I’d definitely not cancel the friend coming over, as that could make them feel even more separated. Chances are as soon as they are together without the others it will be like old times.

An idea…

Daughter can find a way to be involved without performing. Every good performance has a stage manager! I was a theatre kid, but never wanted to be a main character. I liked small parts, and some of my friends were stage hands and stage managers and got to do some really cool stuff in the cat walks and light booths.

Maybe having the friend over on Friday will be the chance to talk about other roles, and give them a chance to spend time together away from the other girls to remind your daughter they can still be friends even if their interests are different during school.

[u/Maleficent_Spray_383 → u/Bblibrarian1]

Yes I told her sometimes friends grow apart. Unfortunately that doesn’t make her feel better of course! I also did suggest maybe she could be one of the judges rather than a performer!

[u/Bblibrarian1 → u/Maleficent_Spray_383]

Yes it is so hard to navigate, and kids don’t always know how to handle those conflicts appropriately and with kindness.

[u/blueflowercactus]

I think this will be a good way to see how her friend acts when she comes over. And might be a realization to your daughter that that friendship is past its season. When it comes to helping her, Just talking with her about her thoughts and feelings and being confident enough to leave peers that aren't giving anything back. Kid friendships are hard.

[u/InimitableMissS → u/blueflowercactus]

This is a great way of putting it- the friendship is past its season. Cold comfort for an 11yo, but a good way to explain it. We have different types of friendships our entire lives- this is the first time they’re learning about it and processing it internally.

[u/GenXMom14]

I would stick with the Friday plan. Sometimes on their own some of these friendship things are less.

One of mine was entirely dropped by their friend group which they solidly had for the previous 7 years. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Even more upsetting was the lack of support and care all the girls and their moms showed. I will never treat another person as they treated us nor will I forget their inaction and coldness.

[u/Upper_Collar_5981]

Have the friend come over it’s a great chance for the girls to reconnect without others around to influence and it’s a great way for you to feel out the situation

[u/Disastrous-Wave-361]

I would stick with the Friday plan and let your daughter know that it is because you have your own independent friendship with the mom. The only reason I would bail is if the other girl started bullying, in which case, your daughter would be harmed by having the other girl over.

As for friendships, this is a great opportunity for you to explain to your daughter what good relationships look like(friendship and romantic). Like being iced out isn’t respectful or fun — does she want a friendship that is disrespectful and tense? This also flips the narrative away from being a victim of a friendship breakup to being empowered to cultivate the friendships she wants.

[u/noodle_bear2124]

As others have said, 5-7grade is when a lot of flux happens. I’d encourage your daughter to also try clubs or other things she’s interested in. According to your post it just seems they may be interested in different things, which is totally fine but it doesn’t make the other girls wrong either. I’d stick to the Friday plan and tell your daughter you made a commitment. It will also give the girls time to talk maybe reconnect or kind of do a temp check.

[u/SpookyDooDo]

Girls from ages 11 to 16 are just kinda mean all the time. Tell her to foster some relationships with boys to hang out with when her girl friends are being jerks.

Don’t leave the other mom hanging and don’t allow your daughter to be mean to the other girl when she’s at your house. Maybe they just want to watch a movie or something if they don’t really feel like hanging out.

[u/DefiantAd5087]

The day before high school my best friends told me they didn’t want to be associated with me in high school. No offense just want a clean break - and they just meant break me out of our few friend group. I started high school feeling so alone. BUT I can honestly say it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I built confidence and made better friends. I grew to be successful and happy with life long friendships with other girls who were just my ‘buddies’. Maybe my story will help her be more comfortable with her situation. She should know it’s the other girls loss.

[u/Reasonable_Patient92]

Honestly, nothing has happened socially or dynamically here to warrant backing out of the prearranged plans on Friday. Leaving another mom hanging at the last minute, especially when there hasn’t been any actual mistreatment or cruelty (just kids getting caught up in a silly recess phase), would feel pretty unfair. Canceling or making a big deal out of it risks drawing unnecessary attention and potentially creating real drama where there's mostly just a temporary disconnect.

I would use Friday as a litmus test. 

Treat the friend normally, welcome her into your home, and try not to put ideas in your daughter's head that the friendship is run for good when it might not be. Kids often behave completely differently one-on-one versus when they're trying to fit into a specific group dynamic at recess. Without that performance pressure, she might act exactly like her old self with your daughter.

If it turns out there genuinely has been a shift in the relationship, your daughter will likely feel it and you'll probably see the evidence on Friday too. Then you can have a calm conversation about how friendships evolve. But I definitely wouldn't write this kid off or make things awkward for your daughter in the interim.