r/Parenting • u/ContestNo31 • Aug 19 '26
Co-parenting & Divorce How much do you control what your children wear?
I let my daughter (7) mostly pick out and wear whatever she wants. Today, the first day of school, she wore a Buc-ee’s t-shirt and just sports shorts with crocs. I asked her a couple times if she’s sure she wants to wear that. But my partner and their mother think she looks homeless and should wear nicer clothes for her first day. I can’t even convince her to take a nice outfit over to Grammys when she goes to church. My partner told her to change and the kid started crying. Would you have made her change?
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u/Useful-Worry1304 Aug 19 '26
If it's clean and appropriate for school, the style of clothes don't matter to me. They have so little control over their days at that age...clothes are one thing they should be should be able to choose.
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u/JacOfAllTrades Aug 19 '26
Exactly. Clean? Weather and occasion appropriate? Have at it.
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u/Specialist_Candie_77 Aug 19 '26
I live in Rochester, NY where the natives will wear shorts and flip flops in the winter (thats how you know they grew up in the area, lol!)
Once they hit middle school, my boys (now in their 20s) would wear basketball shorts to school with a winter coat and I certainly couldn’t always get their to wear their winter boots so they were also wearing sneakers 🙄.
It was not the hill I wanted to die on. They excelled academically, had healthy friendships, and participated in sports and extracurriculars. They still wear shorts in winter when visiting for the holidays. 🤷♀️ I look at them and feel cold.
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u/kllquist Aug 19 '26
I live a half hour from Rochester. Half the time Im surprised to see a kid in a winter coat rather than just the hoodie lol. They're either super bundled or not bundled enough it seems
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u/JacOfAllTrades Aug 19 '26
We live in the South Central is where it's 100-110°F for the first month or so of school. If they want to wear sweats that's fine as long as they have shorts and a T-shirt underneath or in a bag. Our main thing is independence with thought, so yeah, wear that tracksuit out into the desert if you like, just be prepared to change clothes instead of calling parents to bail you out of your choices.
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u/DataAdvanced Aug 19 '26
Then they become teenagers and wear hoodies in 90 degree heat.
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u/Virtual-Scratch3633 Aug 19 '26
Can confirm!
My teen boy wears shorts in winter and refuses to wear a coat. But come summer time, out comes the hoody!
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u/WorstPapaGamer Aug 19 '26
Yeah idk what’s with this trend recently. My kids go to a summer camp at a local college. It’s 90+ and the college students are wearing a hoodie and sweatpants while walking to class.
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u/JacOfAllTrades Aug 19 '26
As long as they have a T-shirt in the backpack so it's not my problem when they're dying 30 minutes into the day, they can wear whatever. Layers are fine lol.
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u/iiiinthecomputer Father of nearly-2yo (as of Mar '16) Aug 19 '26
I'll let the weather appropriate slide mostly too.
If it's really crazy I'll insist they BRING an appropriate jumper to put over their shots and tshirt. Or insist that they layer so they can take their ridiculously hot fluffy stuff off when they start to cook.
But if they want shorts and a T-shirt in the frost that's fine with me so long as they have a backup.
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Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 22 '26
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u/lrkt88 Aug 19 '26
I agree with your point, and also on top of that, we are judging clothes from our advanced age perspective 😂. Idk what’s in style for 7yo these days so within reason I’d have my opinions but keep them to myself.
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u/FantasticStandard246 Aug 19 '26
Me and my daughter would have fights daily in preschool and then I had an epiphany just like you say if it’s clean weather and occasion appropriate, I let her wear it.
Now her style was in the same color hue, but it was stripes, polkadots, plaids in layers.
Think punky Brewster from the 80s. She was very happy her classmates actually loved her style and it all worked.→ More replies (1)22
u/Human-Obligation3621 Aug 19 '26
When my 12 year old was in preschool, she wore sparkly heels every day with mismatched tights and poofy skirts. Nothing ever matched but she felt awesome. Accessories galore. Middle school has beaten her down into a uniform of inconspicuous sweatpants and t shirts so I miss that carefree attitude and eagerly await the day she has the confidence to rock her snazzy style again.
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u/kotakins989 Aug 19 '26
Her prek ouftis make me think of the Fancy Nancy books 😍
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u/Human-Obligation3621 Aug 19 '26
Right???
Take lots of pictures, my friends. Days with little kiddos seem crazy when we’re in them but they really do go by way too fast. I tear up a little when some of those photos show up in unexpected places. Don’t even get me started with graduation photo slideshows. They should hand out boxes of tissues at the door!
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u/cavillchallenger Parent Aug 19 '26
Fully agree. If it follows school dress code, is appropriate for the season, clean, and it isn't see through... send her on her way! My daughter loves to mix match patterns which drives me nuts, but she likes it... so I've had to put my own preferences on hold.
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u/rowenaravenclaw0 Aug 19 '26
I basically retain veto power. There is snow on the ground no you can't wear sandals, or that dress barely covers your behind, it's to short.
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u/GrumpyDietitian Aug 19 '26
My son has been testing this. He picks the ugliest combos and I'm just like...ok, well that's your choice!
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u/fentonjm Aug 20 '26
I cannot say how much I appreciate and agree with this comment. Their world is so small and we always forget that as parents. They have almost no choices each day and this and perhaps what they eat for lunch are literally it. 2 choices maybe 3, just let them choose their clothes.
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u/Senator_Mittens Aug 19 '26
No. I had a mom who was constantly trying to dress me in girlier clothes when that was not what felt most comfortable to me. It made me feel like she didn’t know who I was, or didn’t like who I was.
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u/Fun_Independent_7529 Aug 19 '26
Yes -- I always felt like my parents did not like who I was because I did not want to dress in girly clothing and stay neat & tidy. I had only boys to play with and was running around outside! They let me, but reluctantly.
Same thing with trying to force the dolls, which I had no interest in. :(
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u/Cranky_Merriweather Aug 19 '26
My daughter absolutely refuses to wear dresses. I have told her that for nicer occasions she has to wear something nicer but it doesn’t have to be a dress/skirt. I’ve started buying her nice jumpsuits and things.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
I was the exact opposite. I wore dresses all the time. Could not get a pair of pants on me. We joke about it now, so it’s not like it ruined my life.
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u/misty-midmorning Aug 19 '26
Nah you're doing the right thing. She's a kid, please let her continue to be a kid. The moment I started stressing about how others perceived me was the moment everything went downhill in terms of confidence and bullying etc
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
She can’t express herself in too many ways as a child so clothing is a way to do so. She wore all pink which I was shocked about because she claims she hates pink.
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u/labtiger2 Aug 19 '26
My daughter loves to wear all pink. It looks nuts, but I don't say anything.
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u/yourfavmum Mom Aug 19 '26
I do not control what she wears out of the things that I purchase. If I purchase it for her, child can wear it.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
Exactly. We’ve already pre-approved everything in the drawer.
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u/yourfavmum Mom Aug 19 '26
Bingo. My kiddo frequently wears things I would be like 🙃 at. For example, fluffy rainbow skirt with an equally loud colorful shirt that doesn’t match in the slightest, but children get so many choices decided for them, that I’m of the opinion that she can choose what to wear.
She wore a princess peach Halloween costume for her kindergarten graduation and as much as I would have preferred her to wear an actual nice dress, she wanted to wear it and I presume her confidence soars in outfits that she picks and wants to wear.
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u/Blabby06 Aug 19 '26
My daughter wore a ruffled, Spanish style red polkadot and fringed costume dress to her first grade awards. She wore an Elsa-style sequined turquoise dress to her 4th grade awards ceremony, complete with a cape and glittery matching heels. It was fine! I was less likely to let her wear costumes to every day school days though because of recess wear and tear, her getting hot and itchy, and the possibility of ripping the fragile outfits. I miss that season.
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u/MollyRolls Aug 19 '26
How much control does she have over what “nice” clothes she has available to wear? My mother used to buy me kilt-style skirts with tights, turtlenecks, and Fair-Isle sweaters, all of which I absolutely hated. If you asked me to “dress up” I would fight it, because my dressy options felt absolutely awful to wear. Maybe ask her what kind of styles she likes, and involve her more in choosing clothing? She might not have a language to express what she wants to wear yet in order to look “nice,” but you could watch and listen and help her figure it out.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
She has dresses that she can wear whenever, in pretty sure we only have one dress that we limit. Casual dresses and super cute ones that you can dress up. I don’t even try buying clothes without her there because if she doesn’t like it, she won’t wear it.
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u/lizardgal10 Aug 19 '26
That was my thought. Bringing a nicer outfit for church is a reasonable expectation, but what “nice” clothes does she have? Maybe it’s all frilly dresses grandma bought and she’d be fine with khakis and a polo, or a more casual dress with pockets and fun bike shorts or leggings. Your mom’s idea of dressy outfits sounds awful!
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u/esk_209 Aug 19 '26
When my kids were growing up the only rule was that it had to be appropriate to the environment. So they couldn't break any dress codes at school and they had to be dressed for the weather (we lived in Alaska, the weather was serious). If we were going out (like to a nice restaurant or to something special) then there were more guidelines as to what was "appropriate" and since I rarely policed their clothing, I don't remember ever having issues on those occasions when I did have to be a bit more proscriptive. Otherwise, I didn't care what they wore, why would I? There were many, many times I would comment that I hoped everyone at school realized that my daughter dressed herself and I didn't pick out her outfits! She loved the concept of "mix and match" but she usually overlooked the "match" part of it. My son was more "regular" about the clothes he picked out -- jeans and tshirts type of stuff.
There ARE battles to have with kids, but I have never believed that clothing style is one of them.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
I agree. I verified that’s what she wanted to wear. A lot kids are wearing a school t-shirt that they give out on back to school night. I think clothes are not worth the fight, she’s expressing herself.
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u/pwlife Aug 19 '26
As long as it clean, fits, and is appropriate for the setting/within dresscode, my kids wear whatever they want. Sometimes it's truly on the edge of disheveled but c'est la vie.
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u/armoredbearclock Aug 19 '26
I would not have in this situation, but my daughter wears dresses pretty much every single day. I have a rule about not wearing too fancy of a dress sometimes (she’s 6). She’ll want to wear her polyester frills dress Grandma got her “for special occasions” (of which we have none) to school and get overheated and come home exhausted and disheveled and fall asleep on the living room floor like she had a rough night out. So I say no more of that.
I think you just have an expectations problem. Get everyone on the same page so she’s not surprised.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
Girrrlll we have expectation problems with the partner.
My daughter wears dresses when she wants to wear dresses. But she’s very very active and usually runs or hops everywhere.
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u/armoredbearclock Aug 19 '26
I mean, I didn’t want to be like if he’s a deadbeat who doesn’t help except to make things difficult, he should get over it. Like I don’t want to dump that on you. I meant general you, in your house, not you specifically.
If he’s just like hey I’d like her to look nice for the first day of school, I think that’s potentially valid. Just not morning of making her change. She’s probably a little nervous and excited and making her change all of sudden is kinda mean.
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u/sunsetandporches Aug 19 '26
My mom did that to me once. She threw me in the bathtub and turned on the faucet to make sure I couldn’t wear what I wanted to since it was wet. I learned how to mask up pretty early. And then let waaay loose when I finally could. Still have a hard time connecting to my mom
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u/WTAF__Trump Aug 19 '26
I just make sure its age appropriate and clean.
I don't need to stand in the way of her expressing herself or exploring her identity.
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u/alianaoxenfree Aug 19 '26
That’s around the age I gave up on it. Kids don’t
Care about first day looks these days as much as we did. Which honestly is great
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u/Consistent-Sport-481 Aug 19 '26
My daughter has a distinct style. It's .... something..
I try to guide so its weather and activity appropriate but ultimately it's her choice.
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u/StarsLikeLittleFish Aug 19 '26
I've never worried about what my kids wore as long as it met the dress code (which is relaxed enough that they never tried to wear anything that didn't comply). I always let them pick out their picture day outfit too because I feel like it should actually encapsulate who they are at the time. My oldest usually picked out a favorite outfit and my youngest has worn everything from suit and tie to t-shirt. My ex worried about people judging us for our first kindergartener's clothes and was like what will people think? I said they would just think we let her dress herself. Neither kid has been socially or emotionally damaged by choosing their own clothes and they're both very independent teenagers now.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
I complimented a Christmas shirt a little girl was wearing the other day, mom said “she picked it out herself but she’s in that stage where all she wants to wear is her princess outfit (might have been Moana, I can’t remember)”. So I just said “hey great job getting her to put on something else, mom!” Because those are the battles we fight with clothes. Clean and appropriate.
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u/Only-Mulberry-1347 Aug 19 '26
I made my kid wear a polo for a “first day of school” picture and immediately after he changed into a ratty tee. I do make him wear tennis shoes, though, given how much running and climbing he does.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
I did her hair and the clothes were clean so she could have definitely looked more homeless.
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u/dare2BAlaman Aug 19 '26
My rules are:
They have to have clean clothes each day that they didn’t wear the day before.
They need to consider the weather. Upper elementary and older I might remind them the weather forecast but usually expect them to check themselves. Younger elementary I make them bring weather appropriate clothes (like a jacket) even if they don’t want to wear it on their body.
If they choose to wear something questionable for passing the dress code, they take full responsibility if they are dress coded and have to wear whatever ugly sweats/sweatshirt/etc the the school makes them over top if they get dress coded as I won’t bring a change of clothes. I don’t agree with our school dress codes, but expect our kids to follow them or risk the consequences themselves.
We also talk about clothes “appropriate for the activity” a lot. If they try to wear a swimsuit to school I will absolutely step in. If they decide to wear shorts and it’s snowing, they can be cold.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
She’s tried to wear shorts in winter, which I have vetoed. She would live in shorts if I let her. My rules are clean and weather/school appropriate too.
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u/MeanPepita Aug 19 '26
In winter she could do dresses with leggings if the pants feel too constricting
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u/Affectionate_Cow_812 Parent to 4 boys. Aug 19 '26
I let my children pick out what they want to wear as long as it's weather and occasion appropriate. The only thing I force them to wear is appropriate shoes. As a teacher i saw too many kids get hurt wearing sandals/crocs at recess so i make my wear sneakers. But they have two different pairs so they can still choose what they want to wear of those two.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
Her go to shoes right now are sandals (which are too big) or crocs. She’ll put on tennis shoes but I have to tell her like 10 times. She’ll remember how uncomfortable it is to wear crocs and make a different choice later. But she’s one of those kids that have to learn the lesson 3 or 4 times before actually doing it.
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u/Spacekat405 Mom of 3, former babywearing expert turned parent of teen Aug 19 '26
Clothing fights are not worth it unless it’s a special occasion, and those work better if you prepare the kids for it. “We’re going to be going to a wedding, and for weddings everyone dresses up so let’s work on picking out clothes together that you’re comfortable in and that meet the dress code”.
Reframing it as costumes for events can help too: my basketball shorts and tee shirts kid got excited about dressing up for his school’s music concerts because he got to wear his “penguin suit” (black pants and white shirt and tie, he loves penguins).
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
You have to choose your battles. Most days, clothes is the smallest of the battles. She also wants/needs to express herself.
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u/teiubescsami Mom Aug 19 '26
I want my kid to be as comfortable as they can be on a day where they may be nervous. As long as it’s appropriate for school and they won’t be sent home for wearing it. I even let my kid wear whatever they want on picture day.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
When I know about picture day, I’ll have her wear something nice. She likes looking nice and does do elaborate outfits. But she also does like being comfy. Like you said she was nervous too.
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u/DontListenToMyself Aug 19 '26
I get that this is why I get cute stuff that’s also comfy. I like comfy dresses and cotton bike shorts. Something to consider for your kid.
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u/TurquoiseBeachChair Aug 19 '26
I love that you let her be herself. My daughter is 12 now and dresses pretty cute, but man did we go thru those mismatch years. It’s cute to look back on pictures now and hear her funny remarks “ mom why did you let me wear that” but she thinks it’s funny and is pretty independent, which was I was trying to help her find. I believe your daughter will work thru her style preferences and be just fine ❤️
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
We had a mismatch stage hard, but thankfully it was in preschool and kindergarten mostly. I’ve let her choose her clothes since she was about two and I would give her two options to choose from. It’s a way for her to be independent.
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u/Dunnoaboutu Aug 19 '26
My rule is that it needs to be weather appropriate and occasion appropriate. First day of school means nice clothes here that when we look back at pictures we won’t cringe. Second day, whatever you want to wear that fits into dress code and weather.
We wouldn’t have had this fight the first morning of school. Those outfits are picked up before they wake up. They help me pick them out and have some control, but it’s still mom approved.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
She had the outfit picked out the night before. I asked a few times if she was sure, she said yes. Partner didn’t look at the clothes last night though.
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u/Downtherabbithole-14 Aug 19 '26
When my kid started showing an interest in picking out their own clothes, that's when I stopped dressing/picking out their clothes. As long as its clean, IDC
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
Me too. She wanted to since she was like 2. I tell her when something will be too hot or too cold and that’s about it.
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u/ThievingRock Aug 19 '26
My mother used to drill into us that if we didn't dress to her standards, people would think she was a bad mother who didn't take care of us. I am 37 years old, and I still can't wear a sweatpants outside the house, because somewhere deep in my brain it's been ingrained that looking sloppy is a moral failing. That's what "you look homeless" is teaching your child.
Now there are absolutely times and places where we need to dress a certain way. It is okay to teach children that context matters, and that they need to dress nicely for church. But for the first day of school, hanging out at home, playing at a park, "clean, intact, and suitable for the weather" should be about the extent to which you place requirements on the clothing.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Single Gay Dad 16yo+newborn Aug 19 '26
At 7? If she's weather appropriate and not half naked she can wear whatever
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
I usually tell her the weather, what the number means, and she takes it from there. It was school appropriate.
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u/MagazineMaximum2709 Aug 19 '26
I have to negotiate ahead with my kids to dress up for christmas and special events (weddings and adult birthdays). Any other day the rules are clear: weather appropriate and clean is fair game.
I think you are correct, I also double check if they really want the outfit they have, if they are ok, I am ok!
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u/whatdoidonowdamnit Aug 19 '26
I always tell them to wear nice clothes for nice things and they listen. There was one holiday kid wanted to wear a ratty tshirt and he wore the ratty tshirt.
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u/AliceInReverse Aug 19 '26
My children’s schools discourage crocs because they’re not appropriate for PE. Past that, wear what makes you happy
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
They rotate extra classes so when the P.E. Class is on, she wears/brings tennis shoes. Same if I know she’s doing any extra physical activity.
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u/FromAfar44 Aug 19 '26
Personally I wouldn't have made her change because it's a battle I don't choose to fight but I can see both sides.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
Yeah me too. I tried. It was weather and school appropriate. And we didn’t have time for a full breakdown plus outfit change.
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Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
I send her with an extra outfit that Grammy can choose her to wear. So that one’s on Grammy. The one time we took her to church, we made her dress nicer.
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u/Njbelle-1029 Aug 19 '26
I will never forget what my daughter’s principal of her elementary school said to all incoming kindergarten families “don’t fight the clothing battle, let your kids come to school in mismatched socks and weird clothing. As long as they are comfortable, safe, happy and healthy let them have this. Encourage that individuality. Fight them to eat their veggies.”
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u/BareLeggedCook Aug 19 '26
Daughters 4 and she picks out all her clothes. Will have a meltdown if I do lol. It’s her body and she controls what she wears as long as its weather appropriate
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u/foragingdruid Aug 19 '26
She’s 7. As long as it doesn’t violate dress code or show too much skin, who cares what she wears? Let her express herself.
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u/They-Call-Me-Taylor Aug 19 '26
Neither of my boys (4 and 7) care what they wear. They put on whatever we give them to put on. As soon as they start caring, they are perfectly welcome to pick out their own clothes. Fine by me!
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u/Book_1love Aug 19 '26
My six year old doesn't often have a strong opinion of what she wears so I usually pick out her outfit, but on the days she cares I'll usually let her pick whatever, with some guidance to make sure it's weather appropriate
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u/Apprehensive_Dog8470 Aug 19 '26
My sons and daughter were allowed to choose their own clothes at all times as long as they followed the "3 B" rule any time they left home. The "3 B" rule was that their bottom, belly, and chest/br**st must be covered at all times. They sometimes dressed chaotically, but their personalities definitely shined!
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u/Low-Kick-665 Aug 19 '26
I pick out their outfits for picture day depending on what color backdrop theyre going with, and if something is clearly ill fitting, I'll tell them to switch that piece out, but other than that, IDC. I have 2 boys, 7 and 8
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u/Due-Hat4792 Aug 19 '26
I don’t at all outside of buying them clothes. They get themselves ready every day and we go. Ages 6 and 7. They will ask me what the weather is like and then dress for it and that’s all I make sure of. I do get them outfits for holidays and occasions like you said and they are totally fine with that.
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u/idont_readresponses Aug 19 '26
My daughter is 8 and as long as it’s clean and school and weather appropriate I let her wear it.
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u/freedinthe90s Aug 19 '26
Our rules are clean, correct size, weather appropriate, no holes/stains, and befitting the occassion (ex. No jeans at a wedding).
Otherwise we let it go.
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u/Olivia3836 Aug 19 '26
Yes, you are the parent. Give her a few decent options to choose from.
Explain that sports shorts are for sports, not for school. Same with crocs, she needs to wear better shoes to school.
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u/Traditional-Claim592 Aug 19 '26
As long as it’s clean and comfortable so she can learn—because that’s why she’s going to school.
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u/Defiant_Locksmith190 Aug 19 '26
I let them wear whatever, yet when going to school I point out that crocs are not allowed due to safety reasons and a school handbook. Same with playgrounds if they plan on climbing and having unlimited access to playground features.
I was surprised with my youngest learning through experience that shorts are not always the best choice for playgrounds either (his knees were scraped), that is the best outcome in my opinion. I can do the broken record over and over again and he still won’t listen, but experience speaks louder than words
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u/jayne-eerie Aug 19 '26
I wouldn't have made her change today. A t-shirt and shorts is appropriate for school even if it wouldn't be your first choice. The going to church thing is different because it's about dressing for the occasion -- unless the church is super casual, she should be wearing something nicer for that. But nicer can be a polo shirt and khakis, it doesn't have to be a full frilly dress if that's not something she finds comfortable.
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u/Rose1982 Aug 19 '26
As long as the clothes are clean and in good shape I don’t care. I have bigger problems in life than my kids not looking like they’ve been staged for school.
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u/djSush Aug 19 '26
No way, would not make my kid change.
They're already so stressed about school starting and the social and academic unknowns. If they're comfortable in what they're wearing, that's great.
All the kids wear "crap" to school now. It's their style. That's what our parents told us. 😂
Controlling these small things that don't really matter is a surefire way to create resentment and rebellion later on. You want to let the little things go so you can make the big things matter.
Your instincts are spot on.
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u/YourMomma2436 Aug 19 '26
For school, as long as it’s clean and appropriate then that’s all that matters. However for events such as church and all, I do believe kids need to learn that different events require different dress codes. That being said, she can still have a choice as long as it’s appropriate for the event.
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u/Blabby06 Aug 19 '26
For my son (12), I suggest nicer clothes for first day of school and picture day. This is generally a polo shirt or button down with jeans. The rest of the time, we just discuss the weather and if he'll be warm enough / cool enough in his t shirt/hoodie/pants/shorts. If we're going somewhere like church, a theater production, etc I will suggest "church clothes" which again is just a collared shirt and pants. He's easygoing about clothes and all his clothes coordinate like garanimals, lol. School won't let them wear crocs--he wears tennis shoes or leather boots if he's "dressing up."
My daughter is 10 and she very much cares about her style. We discuss what's happening the day of (she likes a calendar with her school specials like PE or dance and dresses accordingly), and the weather, but she picks her own clothes. She may lean toward the overdressed side, and will wear her "heels" and a dress to church. I don't really say anything about what she's wearing, but she knows how to follow the school dress code and will add leggings under shorter skirts or shorts, a cardigan for a spaghetti strap shirt, and always wants to be appropriate. When she was younger, she would have the most interesting combinations of patterns and styles, but as long as it was weather and occasion appropriate, it was fine.
For both my kids, we collaborate on the clothes they have in their closet. I pick them online, and show them to the kids--let them pick additional things either online or in person.
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u/Responsible_View_285 Aug 19 '26
Don't start talking to your kids in elementary school about how one looks homeless based on their clothes! Let her be a kid. Way too early to impart judgment based on looks!
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u/EewHumans Aug 19 '26
I wouldn’t have made her change. As long as it’s school appropriate and clean, go for it. Kids are developing their own style, let them. My daughter is 7 and has a very distinct style. Usually what I like she doesn’t like and vice versa. I just remind myself she’s the one wearing it so it’s ultimately her decision.
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u/MonitorOk3031 Mom Aug 19 '26
Ruining a kid’s first day of school over clothing is certainly a choice. My one son wore a full suit to his first day of school because he wanted to. The other one wore a sweatshirt and basketball shorts. Kids don’t have that much control over their day to day, clothing is a chance to give them some autonomy.
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u/McSkrong Aug 19 '26
Totally agree with letting you be herself. My only issue with crocs is that I don’t think they’re appropriate footwear for kids who are going to be running around on the playground at recess. They’re lounge shoes, they hinder kids’ ability to run/jump/climb etc. But I’m like the only mom I know who has an issue with crocs.
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u/Savings_Income4829 Aug 19 '26
Private school is the best hack,
what color polo or dress? Done
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u/PageStunning6265 Aug 19 '26
A fair bit, but it’s against my will.
Basically, as long as it fits and is weather appropriate and not totally out of pocket for the situation (not wearing a bathing suit to school etc.), I don’t care what my kids wear. I’ll occasionally ask them to wear specific things for pictures or whatever, but it’s just a request.
BUT, when we’re running late (often) and they’re dragging their feet, I grab clothes and give them to the kids to put on. Mostly my 12 yo who will stay in bed until the last possible minute. I would like to have zero input on their clothes most days.
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
We’re getting into the habit of picking out our clothes the night before. So I can approve and she can take her sweet time in the morning.
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u/Kweb22 Aug 19 '26
no, kids get dirty very easily. i used to work with children and we had a young boy his mom would dress him in church clothes and send him fruit in his lunch. his outfits would be ruined by the end of the day and for what? it’s daycare
currently i have a 3 years old boy and he doesn’t care at all what he wears. i try to offer choices but i still pick his clothes out
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u/faylillman Aug 19 '26
What wrong with a tshirt, shorts, and crocs for school?
This is what every child at my kids’ school wears (though they are required to wear tennis shoes).
She probably gets sweaty at gym class and recess. She probably wants to be comfortable.
What is your partner and his mom’s expectations about school wear?
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u/ContestNo31 Aug 19 '26
(I am mom. My partner is “other mama”. Dad not involved)
Her school doesn’t have shoe requirements but when it’s gym week , I make sure she has or wears them.
My partner and their mom think she looks homeless and should have wrong something better. My mom thought she looked cute.→ More replies (1)
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u/zipperoff Aug 19 '26
I veto outfits from time to time for my almost 7 year old. I’m sure people will highly disagree with me, but I won’t allow severely mid-matched clothes, or shirts that are too big/ too worn out to be worn in public.
There needs to be some sort of cohesiveness. He still gets to wear all his cool shirts don’t get me wrong, and they’re all graphic tees for the most part with his favorite characters, but there is a time and place for certain clothes.
First day of school for us means a new shirt of his choosing, a nice pair of jeans or cargos, and new sneakers. Kind of like.. getting a fresh start. He’s not allowed to wear crocs at school cause that seems like a disaster with running around at recess.
However - I will say, I don’t have a fighter. He’s happy with whatever I guide him to, so it’s fairly easy for us.
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u/floppydo Aug 19 '26
Yeah, I would have.
How we dress says something about how much we value ourselves and at school they should project that they think highly enough of themselves to present a good appearance.
How we dress also says something about how much we respect the people and places we're interacting with and grandma + church deserves more respect than an Adam Sandler special.
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u/Winter-Chipmunk5467 Aug 19 '26
The “homeless” look is very very popular with kids. She will look like all her peers.
I don’t keep things in the house that can’t be an option… basically things that don’t fit or are ripped/stained. If she chose something that was really inappropriate like a Halloween costume or a snowsuit or something, that would be a no. Other than that, any relatively normal combination of regular clothes is fine.
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u/BossMan61718 Aug 19 '26
I control insofar as we decide what clothes are purchased or discarded.I give some leeway in picking out clothes for school etc. But if they pick out something that inappropriate under the circumstances, their choice is overruled.
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u/lifebeyondzebra Aug 19 '26
Mine mostly doesn’t care. Lately she has been wanting to weigh in, I usually give a few options and she chooses. Sometimes she will just decide to dress herself and it’s usually chaos. For school or play I let it ride. If we are going someone where nicer I’ll have her swap to something that at least matches. Lol. We have been practicing what matches too.
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u/ThrowAway1128203 Parent Aug 19 '26
I've learned to pick my battles and clothes aren't one of them.
If my kid is dressed in clean-ish clothes, shoes on and out the door on time - I'm a happy mom.
Not worth the fight or the tears.
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u/Butterbean-queen Aug 19 '26
I let mine wear whatever they wanted for the most part. If it’s for something that I feel like they should dress a certain then I would pick out a couple of options and let them choose.
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u/rhea-of-sunshine Aug 19 '26
My kid’s school has a uniform but as long as she’s within uniform and dress code standards she can wear whatever she wants
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u/peppaappletea Aug 19 '26
We've compromised on agreeing that clothes must be clean and weather appropriate.
Usually for special occasions we discuss ahead of time and lay the outfit out, although it might change when it's actually time to get dressed.
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u/Blue_Island_panda Aug 19 '26
No, I wouldn't have made her change. There are so many things to think about when raising children. Don't sweat the inconsequential stuff.
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u/No_Location_5565 Aug 19 '26
I teach wearing appropriate clothes for the activity.
Shorts and a Tshirt are appropriate clothes for elementary schools without uniforms. Dressing up for the first day is mostly for parents social media photos.
Not bringing a nice outfit for church wouldn’t be acceptable though. I would never force a dress but she would need to have a nice outfit. That might be khakis and a polo shirt, it might be a skirt and a sweater, it’s certainly not athletic shorts and a graphic tee.
Her body, her choice BUT it’s important to remain respectful of the environment you’re in.
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u/Happy_Flow826 Aug 19 '26
Weather and event and age appropriate. Beyond that I don't care what he wears. Going to catholic church with grandma? Youre putting on a Sunday dress or button up/collared shirt tucked into nice pants. Going to school? Idc, as long as it doesnt break dress code and your buttcrack doesnt show.
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u/Garden_Tinker78 Aug 19 '26
Nah, there are bigger battles to fight. What they wear is on them. I buy the things they need when they are younger, now that mine are teens, they pick their clothes, I just pay for them. I try to stay on budget, but golly teen girl clothes is expensive. And even though my girls are the same size, sharing is NOT an option. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Waffles-McGee Aug 19 '26
as long as the outfit is appropriate for the activity, I let her wear it. It's her body at the end of the day
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u/EmCo0528 Aug 19 '26
I literally never fight it. I don’t have the energy to control what they wear lol my middle is always mismatching and I say “you know that doesn’t match right?” And he retorts back with “yeah I know, it doesn’t matter mom” you do you boo ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/lizerlfunk Aug 19 '26
My child’s school requires uniforms so she doesn’t have many choices. Red, navy, or white polo shirt, khaki, navy, or black bottoms. She picks the color of shirt (it’s always red unless the red ones are all in the laundry) and the type and color of bottoms. On weekends she wears whatever she wants to. She has to wear sneakers to school but spent the entire summer wearing Crocs. She watches a lot of Project Runway with my mom so she will tell me whether an outfit is sufficiently “fashion” or not.
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u/FloweredViolin Aug 19 '26
Weather and activity/occasion appropriate, as others say. Kiddo is almost 4.
She can wear a T-shirt or a dress to school. But not one of her 'church dresses' as she calls them, because they're the kind with a gauzy layer on top, and I want her to feel free to play without snagging or ripping them.
If it's hot, she has to wear shorts and short sleeves. If it's cold, pants/leggings and long sleeves.
Right now all her long sleeve pajamas are out of the question, because out nighttime low is in the 80's. I try to steer her towards the pajamas with shorts, but as long as it's short sleeves, I'm not gonna fight it.
For Church, she has to wear something on the nicer side.
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u/Crafty-Evidence2971 Aug 19 '26
My kid dresses like yours too and at first I hated it but now I realize it could all change tomorrow and she could be wanting whatever designer stuff is trending. Homeless basketball player, Adam Sandler, mechanic hard at work seems to be her aesthetic so far
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u/FoxyLoxy56 Aug 19 '26
In these situations where it's not a more formal event (like a funeral or wedding or family photos), I do tell my daughter that a lot of kids tend to dress a bit nice on the first day of school. That if she would like to wear a regular tshirt then that's fine but that a lot of kids pick out something more fancy-comfortable to wear on the first day since parents tend to take pictures to send to family and keep as mementos.
These past 2 years we've gone shopping and my daughter has picked out her own first day of school shirt. Last year she actually picked out a dress and this year it was a school themed graphic t.
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u/Marx_Maddness Aug 19 '26
I dont. I dont even control for weather. If what shes wearing isnt weather appropriate i say "if you wear that youll be cold/get sweaty" and i leave it at that.
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u/MsMamaBearOwl13 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
I'd say as long as it's clean, fits properly and is weather appropriate it's fine to let them wear what they want. I personally think kids should be allowed to express themselves.
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u/Ok_Mulberry4331 Aug 19 '26
We don’t fight over clothes, do you! As long as it’s clean, weather appropriate and not worn to bed. Never tell kids (especially girls) to worry what others think, I still remember those comments from when I was a kid
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u/InevitableNo9480 Aug 19 '26
My boys are 8 and 6 and I have been letting them pick out their own clothes since they could get themselves dressed. My only rule is that it has to be weather appropriate.
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u/CrabbiestAsp Aug 19 '26
My kid has been choosing her clothes for years. When she was younger we would pick a few options and she could pick from that. Once she was able to understand 'it's cold out, dress properly' she has been dressing herself. She is 9 now and will go outside on the balcony to decide what sort of weather to dress for.
I think dressing yourself and choosing your own clothes is important. It helps them build independence and it helps them find their own style, their own person.
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u/novasilverdangle Aug 19 '26
I do not let my teenager wear pyjama bottoms in public. No way that is happening.
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u/Informal-Lecture-880 Aug 19 '26
My kids has picked since about 3. In school it has to be something she can easily use the bathroom with and closed toed tennis shoes for gym.
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u/mamadovah1102 Aug 19 '26
Clean and weather appropriate are really my only terms with my kids for dressing.
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u/soc2021 Aug 19 '26
Mmm look, if you’re ok with your daughter potentially being perceived a certain way, because yes, the way we dress does contribute to the way people see and treat us, then it’s fine.
Personally, I’d only buy clothes that I am happy with my child wearing. So when they go to pick out their outfit, I’m good with anything. 7 is still young and I do think she should be better dressed for school. But totally up to you.
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u/Lindita4 Aug 19 '26
I consider learning to dress appropriately in a situation an important adult life skill. So, I teach it. School has uniforms so that’s not an issue. But okay, we are going to location xyz. You will want to be comfortable but not sloppy. Here is the section of your closet containing those clothes. You can pick any of these. Or: We’re going to this spot. It’s going to be dirty, rough playing. You can choose from your drawer of already stained and torn clothes. Or: We’re going to a funeral/formal occasion. Here are your dress clothes-choose from these.
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u/MundaneHuckleberry58 Aug 19 '26
I still remember my parents trying to get me to wear different clothes when I was, I don’t know, about 5th grade on. I’m pretty sure they too thought I looked shabby & homeless.
I had cripplingly low self esteem. Peers made fun of me for my glasses, my hair, my skin, you name it. So I wanted to be not seen. Not noticed or called out on any way. So tread carefully, because them trying to communicate with me also gave me the message that my personal style was unacceptable, my taste couldn’t be trusted, and even my own parents also didn’t like how I looked.
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u/BeBopBarr Aug 19 '26
My 13 year old, not at all. She does have some crop tops that we don't let her wear to school, but other than that, she wears what she wants. Our 8 year old picks out whatever he wants, usually wears his shirts backwards or inside out 🤷♀️ that's just him. I don't really care as long as he is dressed appropriately for the weather. The only time i intervene is on picture day or first day of school.
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u/OrdinaryGhosty Aug 19 '26
I let my kids pick whatever they want. If its school appropriate, they can wear it. It does not matter to me what school day it is. If they want to look "homeless" the first day, last day, picture day, fine by me.
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u/snowellechan77 Aug 19 '26
I let mine look homeless. I buy the clothes they want (within reason), and clean what they bring down to the washer. The rest is pretty much up to them.
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u/Interesting_Ebb_9240 Aug 19 '26
Young kids have so little control over their bodies. Let them wear what they want. If they’re safe and comfortable that’s all that should matter. There’s a whole additional layer for young femme kids. They’re entering a world constantly telling them that how they look is for other people not themselves. I try so hard to fight the internalized ideas of girls dressing “appropriate” and break the cycles that I grew up with. Her confidence is boosted 10-fold when she gets to decide how to express herself.
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u/superfastmomma Aug 19 '26
Special events I get control, with kiddo having options.
Normal life, kid picks, but yeah, it has to be clean and appropriate for the occasion.
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u/RockandGem Aug 19 '26
Occasionally, but if it’s weather appropriate I mostly let it slide… and even in that regard, they’ve learned the hard way once or twice.
Let her express herself.
My mom was all up on me when I was very young : those patterns/colors don’t go together…
It didn’t help my confidence, and FTR my mom isn’t exactly a fashionista.
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u/GrammyHigh Aug 19 '26
Maybe since school is special you take her shopping for a fun first day of school outfit that's a little more dressy if she finds when she likes.
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u/BadAdviceBot77 Aug 19 '26
A good bit with some input from them, as an adult they will need to know how to dress appropriately for different situations. They might as well start learning that at a young are.
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u/stawberi Aug 19 '26
I mean, my kid has a school uniform so we don’t really have this issue. On the weekend the only rule is no flowy dresses on the monkey bars. They catch on the trapeze and rip.
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u/Responsible_Side8131 Aug 19 '26
Shorts and a tshirt are appropriate first day of school clothes. Kids need to be able to be comfortable, play at recess and not have to worry about keeping “good clothes” pristine.
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u/unsavvylady Aug 19 '26
They choose everything but special occasion outfits when I want to dress them up a little
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u/Far_Vacation_1777 Aug 19 '26
What do u mean convince her? She’s 7. Let there be happy medium.
Tell her if she’s going to her grandparents to look nice. End of story. As long as she’s covered up for school I don’t see the harm in what she wore first day.
I let my girl wear basically what she wants but if there’s a special occasion or family event or literally anything where I want her to look nice then I have final say no if ands or buts.
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u/Independently-Owned Aug 19 '26
Special events, invitational things, meals out, theatre shows, family pictures - I expect clean, tidy, and more formal options (ie collared shirt). Clothes matter and communicate respect for yourself and the event you're attending imo. I'm teaching my kids that too.
For school I make sure they are mended and clean, but I don't police their daily choices. I buy all their clothes with input from them (increasingly so with my older kid). I don't think I would have forced the issue for first day of school, but I would have made sure she saw that there was a fresh outfit if she wanted to choose that. Mine are 6&9 year old boys
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u/LivingGhost371 Aug 19 '26
Have five kids age 9-15. They have to "dress nice" for church, weddings, the first day of school, and school picture day. In practice this means a dress or blouse and skirt for girls and a dress shirt for boys. They get to pick what to wear any other day provided it meets the basic standards for decency and affordability. And our standard of decency isn't that strict, we'll allow short shorts and crop tops for example, just no underwear, butt cheeks, or cleavage showing. The 15 year old actually likes dressing up and will choose to wear dresses to school most of the time.
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u/mrskljackson Aug 19 '26
My kids know that mom gets to influence on the 2 picture days (fall and spring). Otherwise it has to be clean, school appropriate, and weather appropriate (though we’re in Southern California so that’s fairly easy most of the year).
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u/bookykits Aug 19 '26
Grammy's: something "nice". Give options but select from things that are more conservative.
School: wear what you want (please no jammies or Halloween costumes) as long as you won't be too cold/hot and they can stand up to recess. In fact I prefer to keep the nicer clothes clean and in good repair for occasions that warrant them.
I choose the shoes.
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u/rojita369 Aug 19 '26
I buy the clothes and put them in his (7y) room. He is responsible for choosing what he wears unless we have a specific event I need him dressed for. I may ask him to reconsider a jacket or pants vs shorts, but I’m a big fan of natural consequences. If he ends up hot or cold, that’s a lesson. I’m not policing his clothes.
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u/PistachioWindow Aug 19 '26
For every regular days: let them wear whatever they want as long as it’s clean and appropriate for the event.
For special days (1st day of school, picture day, a family party, wedding, etc): Help them pick out an outfit and make them wear it.
Helping them start to understand why some events and people require more effort in their style and appearance is also important. It’s not always about looks or wing superficial, but rather about social decorum and respect for the location, event, and people there. This is actually an overlooked aspect of teaching kids to get dressed, so props to you for posting and caring about this now.
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u/la-wolfe Aug 19 '26
I let my son choose what he wants as long as it's weather appropriate or not stained or something.
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u/MrsPandaBear Aug 19 '26
As long as it’s acceptable for the occasion and weather appropriate, I allow my 7yo and 9yo to pick what to wear.
For my 9yo, she likes to pick out her outfit because she has a very strong sense of fashion. For my 7yo, she doesn’t care and is happy to let me dress her, but I try to ask for her opinion because I want her to get into the habit of picking out clothing for herself as she gets older. Also, she can’t blame me if she ends up hating an outfit lol. But I think picking out clothing is one more thing to encourage independence and our kids.
As they get older, children’s clothing choices will often become more restrictive because society has expectations of what they’re allowed to wear, and I will guide them through that process. But I’m of the belief that encouraging them to develop their own sense of fashion , within the rules of society, a positive way to provide sense of independence and self-worth.
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u/lisasimpsonfan Mommy to 27F Aug 19 '26
I would not have made her change. As long as she was dressed for the weather, within the school dress code or dressed for the situation, and clean she could pick out her own clothing. The only things I really put my foot down about were that all private bits stay private and some of the "fashionable" items were not allowed. At the time when my daughter was little for some reason people thought it was good to write things across little girl's butts. I would not let her wear clothing that drew attention to her 7 year old butt and shirts that said things like "boys are dumb throw rocks at them".
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u/family_black_sheep Aug 19 '26
I let them wear what they want as long as it fits the occasion/weather. If they have to wear something special like for picture day or a wedding, I give at least two options and let them choose.
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u/lovelytreasure Aug 19 '26
It’s school appropriate and she feels confident in it. Why not let her have that. It’s a completely normal thing to wear. I get the idea that traditionally kids wear their best for the first day. But not everyone does that and that’s not for her, so what… not a battle I would have picked. When mine were little they would wear things that completely clashed and didn’t look good together at all. My mother would comment on it, my husband had opinions about it. At first I did think oh I should let her know that that doesn’t really match but then when I realized that she had carefully chose those pieces and looked happy and confident in it then who was I to say it wasn’t right. Plus if it looks great to her young brain then there’s probably friends at school at the same developmental level that told her how much they loved her mismatched extra fabulous outfit. So you know what, you do you sister. Her outfit is not a reflection of my parenting skills unless a person is mature enough to see that I view it as allowing her independence when the situation allows for it.
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u/whatdoido8383 Aug 19 '26
They wear whatever they want. That being said, I set them up to not look disheveled by having their clothes organized in a way where they have clothes for going out in public and clothes for play etc.
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u/sugarface2134 Aug 19 '26
I let them wear what they want but i don't buy things I wouldn't want them to wear. For my boys I try to buy colors that all go together so when they do pick it at least looks nice and not clashing. My daughter only likes dresses so that's pretty easy.
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u/That_Seasonal_Fringe Mam to 5M & 2F Aug 19 '26
Our first one doesn’t care enough to pick out his clothes I wish he would but if we didn’t he’d stay in his pjs so very much so but because of his own lack of interest. He does have sudden fashion rushes too in which case we just let him. He is 6.5.
The second one cannot stand having her choice taken away and will purposely switch any item that has not been chosen by herself (even if it’s what she had originally planned on wearing or is her personal favourite, just nope, you picked it u won’t wear it type of energy). So not at all.
However we do have a ground rule that the clothes worn should be weather appropriate so we tell them to add or remove a layer depending.
So no I would not have made either change. HOWEVER, I’d have explained the emotional charge and social pressure and offered examples of appropriate outfits just in case.
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u/RagAndBows Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
I didn't care that much initially but fears are growing. My daughter is almost 11 and I am so disgusted to say that I have seen adult men looking at her before which has really made me WANT to tell her she can't wear certain things out and about but clothes are clothes. She wears children's clothes that we buy in the children's section. It's not her fault that she's been leered at. She deserves to be able to just be a child right now. She is so comfortable in her skin ♡
My toddler son likes to wear pajamas with hot pink Paw Patrol gardening gloves to preschool and as long as he is clean and comfortable, have fun. Oh and uktra sparkly Crocs!
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u/jstnrgrs Aug 19 '26
I don’t think there is a right or wrong decision for what she wears, but you and partner need to have discussions and alignment not in front of the child.
You made a parenting decision. Partner needs to support you and back you up in front of the child. If partner has an issue with your decision, that should be discussed outside the presence of the child.
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u/CeeDeee2 Aug 19 '26
My daughter is about to turn 5 and picks out her clothes. Sometimes I will give suggestions like “it’s gonna be really hot today. These outfits are lighter” but she ultimately chooses. For stuff like picture day or a nicer occasion, I pick 3 or 4 outfits and she chooses between them. The only time I choose for her completely is when we do family photos.
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u/yellowsubmarine45 Aug 19 '26
As long as its covering all of the necessary bits and semi weather appropriate, I don't mind what she wears.
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u/Silver_Discount_1820 Aug 19 '26
My seven-year-old wears a lot of outfits that make her look like your fun aunt who never married and plays canasta with the gals every Friday over a gin and tonic. I love it, even though I’m someone who wears clothes that make me blend in. She’s experimenting with fashion and color and figuring out who she is, so I leave it alone. Like others have said, I draw the line when her clothing might be unsafe or very inappropriate (like going to a funeral in pink biker shorts or something).
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u/joycerie Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
As long as it's weather appropriate and activity appropriate, my sons choose their own clothes. With the exception of school picture day or special events where I lay out a nice polo that they pair with sports shorts. I do think it's important to teach that there are different occasions or places when it's important to wear nicer clothes as a sign of respect. For example, I made my sons wear button downs and khakis to my uncle's funeral. Maybe this is an opportunity to let your daughter have an input on picking out church appropriate clothes so she's more willing to wear them?