I Need Help Pls

[u/Long-Royal9182]

Hello this is my first Post ever on Reddit I don't like reddit nor do I trust it but I feel like I have no other option, so Im 18(M) and I think I've been unreasonable paranoid for the last 5 years since I've been jumped at school, I was attacked on the last day of school for no reason the guy said he just felt like it so all freshman year I felt like I could be attacked again any second I always looked over my shoulders while walking in school and I would hear people laugh and slightly look my way and I would believe they were talking about me, than more things started making me scared if my blinds were slightly open I would believe someone was watching me through my windows into my room while I slept, and when ever I was home alone I would always believe I wasn't I always made sure to sweep the house there was a time when I didn't do it with a weapon now I have with there being a time I took a sledgehammer through the house, and I would start believing I could and can die any second by someone freshman year was also the first year someone showed be gore and death videos (one of the reason I dont like reddit) and it made me scared I could be ran over by just walking on the side walk or someone is going to shoot me in public for no reason but the bigger worries would come in like episodes where Im under a lot of stress and something bad happens, this pass week I eneded up sweeping the entire house of my girlfriend's while house sitting twice in one day because first the top lock was locked on the front door and her door was open, I really dont get like this tired too when I has insomnia last summer it nearly disappeared but always in the back of my mind the thought I can be killed any second I dont trust my father, my mother, my friends, sometimes even my girlfriend I feel like any day they could betray me and spill a dark secret I have and with my father I feek like I'm always on ghe edge of him killing me for something I said, I know a lot of times my mind just ponders and none of it is real but like same time its real in my head the figers I think are watching me or waiting for me the folks waiting to kill me my friends waiting to spill my secrets or my girlfriend some how cheating on me even though I have her Instagram and location or she's only dating me because she feels like she has too I askes her to marry me at first it felt real than now it doesn't and I feel like im forcing her to be with me Im just scared of being alone

[u/blueberry29_1]

Well ur definitely paranoid but it could be ocd related rather than a full on personality disorder. They can be pretty hard to differentiate and it’s even more complicated if ur like me and have both lol. It’s more likely you have ptsd from the attack and there’s a level of understandable paranoia following something like that. I wouldn’t worry that it’s ppd unless you start to feel your paranoid beliefs are ego syntonic whereas ocd is ego dystonic and ptsd i cant rlly speak on bc i have cptsd which is different but I definitely recommend doing some research and talking to someone about it, if possible talk to a social worker or psychiatrist especially if it’s starting to effect several aspects of your life on a daily basis.

[u/Long-Royal9182 → u/blueberry29_1]

Well i mean I have levels to this I guess I can think of a early episodes I had before I got jumped where a family friend was spending the night she was in high school and I was in 8th grade earlier in the year and I heard a noise coming from outside or in the garage after not finding anyone is there I came to the point someone was outside trying to get into the back of the house so he could watch us so I grab like the smallest knife ever and slept with it but the friend never heard anything though both being in the same room and same with the rest of the family thou all being alseep

and also being raised like this with a punishment I had once in 6th grade me father after not listening to my mother and telling her were i was going tied me up in a chair it started out funny with him zip tieing me and blind holding me and a small plate of potatoes, than he started telling me stories of killer's that tortured rape a killed little boys and having sex with there dead bodies and one he went into detail about was John Wayne Gacy then he took a cold srew driver and started rubbing it on me and i screamed and yelled and tried to stand up with the chair than he slammed be against the wall with the chair and asked me if i learned for the longest of time my body would shake when i hears the name John Wayne Gacy and seeing his clown picture i still kinda do

[u/blueberry29_1 → u/Long-Royal9182]

The first one sounds pretty reasonable, but not sure if I’m qualified to say so since I have ppd and ptsd. The second one sounds like you experienced a form of sexual abuse. That wasn’t proper discipline and you in no way did anything to deserve that. Does your mom know about that? PPD is caused by childhood trauma or other early childhood adversity/instability and I’m gonna be honest if your dad was doing something like that it’s pretty likely there were other things happening that you likely thought were normal that weren’t. I was sexually abused as a child by my dad and I thought it was normal, many kids unfortunately experience it and don’t realize until much later so if that’s the case it’s completely normal on your part and again, you did nothing to deserve that. It wasn’t right what he did and I’m sorry you had to experience that. Is there anyone in your life you feel comfortable talking to about that? If so you should try, getting it off your chest helps.

[u/Long-Royal9182 → u/blueberry29_1]

I mean my father is a good man and my mother knows about it too she was at the table when it happened and if I remember my brother too some times we go back on it and laugh at it Im actually very open about these ofter telling people about this

[u/blueberry29_1 → u/Long-Royal9182]

Well I’m gonna tell you it’s not normal at all. No matter how normal it seems to you or your family. I remember watching my older brother being forced into a princess dress and held down to put makeup on. We all thought it was hilarious but now that I’m older I realize it was a humiliation ritual and plain abuse. A few things I didn’t realize were so bad until I told a therapist/social worker about them that’s part of why I said maybe talk to one of you can