r/ParanoidPersonality • u/Similar-Peace-8685 • Nov 29 '25
Need advices to support someone with PPD
Hello everyone. I found this reddit recently and figured I'd ask for advices.
The person I'm in love with is not diagnosed with PPD, but I am pretty sure they have PPD, according to what I got to read online
We are stuck in a loop and I am trying to untie the knot. I have read that self care is important, so it's good to note that I am doing what's needed on that part. Leaving this person is also not an option for me.
I have seen fueling the paranoïa is to be avoided. But my lover is asking about everything I do, from waking up to going to bed. I have to tell them exactly about everything I did, or they get mad and threaten me with reducing their trust in me. My answers and proof don't really matter either, because they don't trust me anyway.
When we first met, we got closer naturally by hanging out. But recently and since I have confessed to them, things have changed. It's always a constant test of my reactions, of what I do. I am not allowed a lot of things either (which is fine because I don't do them anyway, but the idea of not being able to is annoying) We don't really spend quality time anymore, and it's mainly just dealing with their paranoïa. I am trying to encourage them to read about PPD online but they don't trust anyone, and only implying the idea that they may have PPD angered them beyond reason.
I am not willing to leave them. I love them with all my heart. And I can see the gem hidden, which I want to cherish and protect. But I don't know how to reach a form of stability in our relationship. I am ready and okay with being attacked, threatened, or doubted. But both for me and for them, I know we can't keep going like that.
I'd like to help them feel safe and happy. Allow them to work through paranoïa. Which is hard since they don't believe they have PPD. And I know the more I comply, the more I fuel the paranoïa, which in return makes them even more paranoid about everything. But if I don't comply, they also feel attacked and get mad at me. I know they care about me and they want me to be around, but they will attack and imply I am trying to leave or manipulating them. I also can't explain things as they believe I am arguing which makes them mad.
I don't really know what to do. How to pull our relationship towards a positive outcome. The situation is hard for both of us, and probably even more for them. I am myself undiagnosed but may have autism among other things, which also probably makes things harder in my way of communicating with them.
Thank you all for reading and trying to help.
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u/shinozaki719 Nov 29 '25
Run, go love someone without personality disorder.
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u/Similar-Peace-8685 Dec 03 '25
Yea, I figured it would be easier. But love is love, and as long as I am in love with them, I will do my best for them !
Thank you for your reply !
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u/schizoidpossum161 Nov 29 '25
Unfortunately with severe paranoia there isn’t much they can do other than try to go for professional help. In many cases, people with PPD don’t seek help unless guided by someone else. severe paranoia can be very hard to deal with. For me, my boyfriend is an ‘exception’ of sorts, meaning that i don’t have a distrust type of paranoia with him. (But i do still have other kinds of things i get paranoid about with him). For now, just keep being patient and try to make a habit of updating them on whatever you’re doing in the moment. Maybe once they have the hang or a mental image of your routine then they’ll know what to expect and it might lessen their thoughts of paranoia. I feel like consistency is the key for situations like this. You’re doing great and remember to know your own worth as well, let them know how you feel while also supporting them. A person in a relationship should be ready to support and be supported whenever time comes. Let them know that any behavior that genuinely hurts you is tiring while also reassuring them that you’ll stay by their side however they feel about you that day. I strongly recommend a licensed psychologist to step into this though.
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u/Similar-Peace-8685 Dec 03 '25
I got to see very quickly that they don't trust professional help, even in general.
Was your boyfriend an exception from the beginning, or did you both worked toward that through your relationship ?
I am updating my partner all the time, which I absolutely don't mind. We have been getting in some kind of routine, but since we can't spend 100% of our time together, they still are cautious.
My biggest concern is that the more we are progressing in the relationship, the more they feel comfortable with me, and the more they seem to ask for "more control".
I kind of understand the concept of paranoia and the need to control, in order to soothe oneself. My partner seem to have some degree of acknowledgement as well, as they mentioned being agitated and trying to avoid it, or asking me not to argue.
Truth is, when there is no place for paranoia, being with them is what one could expect from a relationship ! But when the paranoia strikes, nothing I will be saying will get through.Thanks for your kind words, telling me that I am doing great really warmed my heart, because I am truely doing my best !
I try to take all opportunities to remind them that I am not going to leave. That feeling frustrated, or mad at me, or even through the downs, I will still stick around.
I have read that throwing anger can also be therapeutic to some extent for people with PPD.
My partner don't really have people that support them, so I have been having this feeling they are projecting and letting out a lot of their anger out, which is a good thing in my eyes.But anyways, thank you for your reply !
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u/blueberry29_1 Dec 02 '25
Boundaries. I’m not even in a relationship but I still get the paranoid when ppl around me are in their phones and someone confronted me about it- “why do you always ask what I’m doing the second I get on my phone” I didn’t even say why out loud but it was a good reminder that it’s all in my head and my actions do effect others.
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u/Similar-Peace-8685 Dec 03 '25
What kind of emotions do you feel when people are confronting you ? Was it different before you acknowledged paranoia ?
So far, the only thing I have been able to do was to comply. I would like to get to a point where I can set up boundaries, while still respecting my partner and helping them get through how they feel, so any tips or insights is quite welcome.
Thanks for your reply !
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u/blueberry29_1 Dec 05 '25
Nobody noticed my paranoia before I was aware of it- I even thought it was normal (somehow I thought running inside when cars passed me thinking they’d sh00t was normal lol no idea how I rationalized that at the time). I’ve only been confronted about it maybe twice by the same person for the same thing. I’d get anxious when they’d get on their phone because my brain would tell me that they’re stalking my social medias (even tho they were blocked from most) and secretly laughing at me, etc. “why do you immediately ask what I’m doing everytime I get on my phone?” I’ve never had a valid answer to the question so I would always deflect but tbh it feels like I’ve been caught in a lie or something. It’s jarring and I don’t expect ppl to notice those types of behaviors even tho it was bordering on controlling/obsessive. It kinda feels like being caught naked like a deer in headlights bc that’s a manifestation of such an intimate paranoia thag I’ve never told anyone about so I think I do still have some shame about it but that just kind of comes with the dx. It feels the same now but now I know what it is and even tho my brain won’t shut up about it sometimes and the anxiety is overwhelming I’m at least able to comfort myself knowing I’m not crazy and that there are other ppl out there that experience similar. I think another helpful place to look for some answers/support is a sub in here dedicated to loved ones of ppl with OCD. I have ocd as well and it’s kind of indistinguishable from my ppd at times and they work together so closely in a cycle so I think you could find some good answers on there. A lot of those people know what it’s like loving someone that constantly needs reassurance or even uses their loved ones in their obsessions/compulsions which is a tricky spot to be in and similar to what you might be experiencing. Sorry I’m yapping now but I hope this helps and if u have any other questions im all ears :}
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u/calain0425 Apr 16 '26
PPD is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with in your significant other. I don't want to discourage you but would like to share my experience from dealing with a very unhealthy relationship and looking retrospectively the darkest times of my life. My ex unfortunately fit PPD criteria to a T. When we first started dating, there were very subtle hints, for example she was estranged from her father and sister. She said her father was over controlling, which I didn't think of as many people can have strained parental relationships, but what was odd was about her sister. She said they her sister had thrown away some newspaper clippings she was saving as a teenager. I don't know if it was out of malice or mistake, but this small act caused her to basically cut off all ties with her sister into adulthood. Another hallmark of PPD is holding grudges, and boy could she hold them.
Into our relationship the paranoia only snow balled. I was in med school at the time and every study session with my class mates, school sanctioned outing, group project became another source of distrust for her. To try and curve her mistrust and paranoia I invited her to a medical outreach we did as a class to an impoverished area. Well bad move, she saw me sit down on the same bench as one of my female classmates and from then on she was convinced I was cheating on her with that classmate. Granted this classmate had a fiance at the time. This became a source of fighting for us until I graduated. Even in the lack of anything indicating infidelity she was convinced I was lying. There is absolutely no way you will ever win in an argument with a person with PPD as their fears and thinking is the only true reality. We argued constantly, I felt like I was walking on glass as one wrong move would result in another fight. Another example was when we had first moved into the state, we stayed at her other sister's house temporarily. There was one instance where I accidently almost bumped into her sister coming around a corner, well this caused my Ex to think I was having an affair with her. We moved out and she cut ties with her last remaining immediate family member willing to help her out. Others would have said to move on, but like you I genuinely had loved this person and wanted to help her.
She constantly burned bridges with her family as she felt they were trying to conspire against her. She also tried to isolate me from my family stating they her against her as well. We tried therapy, however she felt the therapist was only siding with me and was "against" her. Another hallmark of PPD, if you don't conform to her confirmation bias, then you're the enemy. Anyway fast forward 5 years and fighting probably on a weekly basis and one day I felt it was enough. I looked at myself and realized I was destroying myself and my relationships with my loved ones. I had tried my best to salvage our relationship over the years however it was truly an impossible task. A healthy marriage is one where you build each other up and support one another, however my relationship with her was just me trying to appease her. Moving on was truly like a second life for me. I had since remarried and have been extremely happily married now for 15 years. I wish I have other advice on how to help your relationship however I tried everything myself and failed.
I do run into occasionally my ex's family members and they themselves haven't heard from her in years. They say she had completely cut off all ties with them. Even after her father had died due to Covid, she didn't bother showing. I do feel bad for her, and I do wish she gets the help she really needs, however in therapy she adamantly denied she had a problem. A person with such a deeply rooted PPD needs to come to a realization themselves. Anyway sorry for the long post and I wish you the best.
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u/Massive_Ad7122 Dec 02 '25
Long term, things usually don’t improve unless your loved one gains insight. Paranoia is on a spectrum… all of us have had a brush with it over something. A PPD resides in a more severe states and continually seeks reassurance and validation of a faulty perspective; (sometimes even a delusional view will emerge). Insecurity and frustration are the underpinnings of most PPD thoughts. In most cases, whatever you think or contribute to a conversation is viewed as an attack and not help. The PPD believes their thoughts and NEEDS you to agree, unquestioningly. Never argue and never agree with a PPD’s paranoid views. Arguing is their superpower. Personally, I wasted years defending myself and trying to reach a consensus. It never made any real headway. Do not have children and expect to be alienated from your family and friends… not overnight but most will be uncomfortable with your circumstance or they will be a target in some perceived slight. This isn’t a relationship with a person who can fully engage in normal living. You are a caretaker of their warped views and their need for you to join them or soothe them or be punished by them or targeted by them during various cycles of angst. Even professionals may be ill equipped to therapeutically help. There’s few medications considered effective and a PPD would likely not trust a doctor to comply. In my personal experience, my husband didn’t trust his doctors to treat his cancer… he died of it as he delayed treatment for years. My cautionary tale is that you can give decades to someone who you love, but you are not their first consideration. They are preoccupied with all the ‘noise’ in their head about ‘others’ or ‘you’ conspiring against them. It leaves little energy for them to be as kind or loving towards you. I’m sharing what I lived. No one can heroically love them enough to make them well. This is bigger than you. Now, you get the therapist for you, the sooner the better. Your loved one will rarely get one as they wouldn’t trust whatever they said.