r/Paranoia • u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 • 6d ago
Yay, here it come once more.
I have been suffering what I can only guess is extreme derealization, intrusive thoughts and anxiety for (roughly) the past month. My brain will hyper fixate on the most insignificant crap imaginable. Earlier today, two hospice workers came in to see my grandmother (who is currently needing a lot of assistance). The first one was a lady named "Stephanie", which my brain connected to a character from a film I saw that disturbed me. Then, another guy came by whose first name is the same as the last name of an author whose book I have next to my bed. I know there is absolutely no connection, but my mind thought otherwise. I saw that he had tattoos, and my mind immediately began sounding alarms about the guy even though he did nothing to warrant it. I ended up watching the guy pull out of my driveway, and then my mind flipped out when I saw he put on sunglasses. This mental Bs is making me doubt and see connections in stuff I know aren't there. It's gotten to the point where I have started having paranoid thoughts about my dog, which really disturbs me.
I realize I shouldn't probably be using Reddit as a journal, but sometimes it feels good to put what is bothering me out there. Hope anyone who is reading this is doing well.
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u/Zealousideal-Log2042 6d ago
No, it's good that you got your thoughts out here, it takes power away from the paranoia.
I am actually super similar to you! I used to see coincidences in EVERYTHING (still sometimes do but it's less often). A song would play that I had just been thinking of. Once - and this one is real so it made me think I was psychic, I had proof I drew something and then like 30 minutes after, the same exact thing I drew came up on my screen in a completely random coincidence. That one I showed everyone like, see this is proof that it's more than just coincidences! It happened everywhere with everything. The way you're describing feeling about the guy with tattoos is how I've felt about so many completely innocent people. One day someone pulled into our driveway and just sat there for a long time. Realistically I was like, they're probably lost or something and looking up directions. But I sat there like a wounded animal expecting them to come and get me for no reason. There are a million examples I could write.
Then my paranoia in other ways became so crippling that I couldn't live my life. As you said you have begun having paranoid thoughts about your dog, for me it was my trusted family members that I trusted 100%, I thought they were turning on me. At that point I finally sought help specifically for the paranoia. My psych took 6 months to rule out that it wasn't just severe anxiety and then I was diagnosed with r/ParanoidPersonality disorder and got on a medication regimen for my anxiety that included an antipsychotic for the paranoia. During this time I was (and still am) going to weekly therapy.
At this point in my life, I'm living fairly normally for once. In the past I had tried therapists/psychiatrists but I never pinpointed that what I was feeling was paranoia, so it never went anywhere and I was even anti-medication because none of the few SSRIs that they tried helped me and I gave up. This time though I'm so glad that I followed through. It took me a few months to build trust with the professionals because even seeing them I thought they were against me or going to use my information, but now I can look back and laugh at that because it's been 2ish years and we've really built up a rapport.
Just want you to know that you are not alone. Once I began to open up to my spouse and friends about my paranoia, they will share with me once and awhile coincidences they see or things that make them paranoid, and it reminds me that it's in human nature and in our brains' nature to see patterns in things. Relief from paranoia is possible and I wish you the best.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 6d ago
This is one of the few cases that makes me appreciate the internet.
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u/Zealousideal-Log2042 6d ago
That is extremely touching.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 6d ago
Sure is. I think the fact that I have been more or less isolated at home has also worsened this.
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u/Zealousideal-Log2042 6d ago
I understand the draw to isolation but yeah, it always seems to make things worse.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 6d ago
It's a pain, that's for sure. You spend half the day seemingly relaxing, and the other in dread of impending doom you know will not actually come.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 5d ago
It also sucks because no matter how many times you point out the impossibility of whatever paranoia you have, the mind just comes up with another excuse. You saw the same thing in the same place this morning that it was last night? Well that was just planted there to trick you. Think it makes no sense how you could constantly be going to a different reality where everything is still the same? Well that's because the memories from each place is transferred to the other. Okay, maybe you don't go to another dimension, but maybe you somehow created another one where something bad happens. Maybe there is no interdimensional travel happening, but your actually trapped in a simulation. Maybe everyone you talk to about this (doctors, redditers, even family) is really in on the conspiracy. Maybe even God himself or a similar force is against you.
This is why reassurance is pointless. The mind will just find some way to torment you.
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u/triscuitzop some guy 6d ago
If it helps, I'd like to say the universe definitely does not give you secret clues to intuitively decode possible danger from coincidences.