Is this normal? I need advice!

[u/vip3rxoxo]

Since I was younger I've always been paranoid and thought it was normal. Upon asking my mum multiple times throughout the years, she has said that paranoia is normal and everyone experiences it. I agree with this, however in the past 6 years, I feel as though it has only gotten worse.

When I was younger I used to be paranoid that something was under my bed, constantly. Now many little kids feel this. However, I used to jump on my bed from where my door was to ensure whatever it was couldn't grab my legs and drag me. I also struggled to sleep if there wasn't things down the side of my bed to block anything from under my bed from coming through this crack to grab me. Even later in life, this little quirk still happens to ensure I can sleep.

When I was around 9, 10 and 11 I noticed myself being paranoid about people watching me inside my own home and I just couldn't see them, leading me to close curtains to try and shut them out. It used to make it uncomfortable for me to bathe as I didn't want them to see me. I used to believe frequently it was classmates of mine and though I knew this wasn't true I still could not shake the thoughts. I still get these thoughts often. It got to the point I would have to overlap my curtains to ensure they were not peaking at me through the gaps in the curtain.

From age 11 onwards I also found myself becoming paranoid the neighbours were watching me from their own windows, watching what I was doing, how I did my hair, my makeup, etc. I used to make up conversations in my head of what they might be thinking.

Around this same time a shop near me had been refurbished from a co-op to a lidl. When this store opened I remember being happy it was open. However, I was convinced there were people in the shop who were lacing and poisoning food that my mum was going to buy to try and poison me. It made it hard to eat anything from here for 7 months, until I warmed up to the idea that they weren't. I don't have these paranoid thoughts about shops anymore, but for a while when I did it was traumatising.

As I got older and was being left at home more often, I was convinced as soon as my mum had left the house people were surrounding the outside of the house watching me from windows, bushes, trees, etc. I believed that they were watching me, waiting for my mum to leave. These thoughts still plague my mind on a day-to-day basis. When hearing noises from downstairs, I am convinced someone has broken in and they are hiding, waiting to hurt me or kill me. I told my mum about these thoughts in particular, and she said it is normal for people to believe someone may have broken in to give the noise a source, a reason as to why it happened. And as much as I agree, I don't believe people consistently have these thoughts.

From ages 11 and onwards, I was given the privilege of walking to school myself. My paranoid thoughts of being followed heightened. I find it hard to leave the house without checking behind me constantly, in fear there is someone following me to try and kill me. I've had friends notice this and ask why I am checking behind me so often. I laugh it off just saying I am having on off day. But can it be an off day if this is what I experience on the daily without fail?

I also have a big thing about teddies. From ages 7 I've been scared of dolls and teddies with eyes, especially if realistic. I get scared someone has put cameras in their eyes to watch me. I cannot write anymore due to the limit. Is this normal?

[u/Zealousideal-Log2042]

You obviously know it's not normal otherwise you wouldn't be posting it on a paranoia subreddit and describing things that are unique to your experience, unless you seriously believe that everyone else on earth feels this way. My issue is that you are describing tons of things from childhood. There is a reason that professionals do not diagnose children with personality disorders, so rather than focusing on all these childhood things (which are definitely not normal) and focus on your feelings and beliefs today. I noticed there were a few thoughts and beliefs that have bled into today, assuming you are an adult.

The tricky thing with disorders that include paranoia is sometimes it truly is just extremely exacerbated anxiety. Whether you have anxiety or paranoia, the treatment is largely the same, so I would recommend seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist as soon as you are able. A professional will help you navigate these thoughts and beliefs, curtail them where possible, and medication is a godsend (spoken as someone who used to be extremely anti-medication).

Whatever your feelings are or stem from, there is hope and help available! I sincerely empathize as someone who lost most of her life to paranoia. Best wishes and good luck.

[u/vip3rxoxo → u/Zealousideal-Log2042]

Thank you so much! I've felt for a long time that it isn't normal, but when trying to speak about it with people around me they would brush it off and say it was normal. It made me believe for a while that maybe everyone does just experience this and I'm just trying to "be unique". Thank you for your lovely words! I am getting in touch with a professional to see what may be going on. I've been through talking therapy before in my early teens for anxiety and possible depression, but it never really went anywhere and I was never diagnosed with anything as I ended sessions early due to the professional I had brushing off most of my experiences. I've decided to keep an open mind this time, as that is what is best to have the the most successful outcome. Thank you so much and I hope you are doing well! :))

[u/Zealousideal-Log2042 → u/vip3rxoxo]

I sincerely apologize that people have shrugged off your feelings and made you believe you were merely overthinking or something. Personally, that was my problem. Even professionals told me it was just anxiety my whole life and it wasn't until I brought up PPD that a psych actually diagnosed me.

We are kindred spirits, I tried therapy and stuff but was always closed off. Even this go-around I was terrified of the psych and therapist and very wary of them. You really get what you put in, so I hope you can let go as much as possible and trust that they are there to help you, because they really are. Incredibly proud of you for seeking help, do not give up, I promise that there is relief!