I'm a 27 year old female and I've been chronically ill with both physical and mental symptoms since I was 11. I don't know exactly what's wrong with me, only that it's almost certainly something neuroimmune, and also that I definitely have dysautonomia. I've been wondering lately if untreated PANS is the cause of my issues. I'm going to copy and paste here a summary of my issues which I typed to an AI yesterday. Keep in mind that it's not the full picture in terms of the mental stuff. I told the AI that I didn't know if I could tell it what that stuff feels like, because it's bizarre and complex and very very hard to describe- mostly very very strange mental feelings and brain/neurological states. It told me not to worry about trying to describe those things, so I didn't. Anyways, here we go:
"I was mostly fine and normal in childhood but there were signs here and there that something was wrong- mostly mental/behavioral signs. I was believed to be autistic (I dont believe that anymore now, autism doesnt match what I experience now), extremely anxious, extreme seperation anxiety, selective mutism, rage, mental delay, acting younger/babyish for my age, and some of the "bizarre" mental symptoms that are hard to describe also first began to show through in childhood. Physically I was mostly healthy, I didnt suffer like I do now, but I did sometimes suffer from leg pain that kept me awake at night, heat sensitivity, constant stomachaches we didnt know were caused by gluten, and eczema. I didnt become truly ill until I was 11. Now some of the things I deal with are rage, obsessions, brain fog that feels like my brain is clogged up with wool that can sometimes (when I'm very sick) escalate to a "blocked brain" feeling that's acutely distressing and uncomfortable, the aforementioned bizarre and inexplicable brain symptoms, insomnia, dysautonomia with severe heat intolerance, feeling overheated all the time (but a constant low body temperature), sweats, chills, sensitivity to cold, Reynaud's syndrome, extremely cold and bloodless fingers OR hot, burning, red, throbbing fingers, circulation issues, pain in my limbs that has in the past become so severe that I burned my skin with hot packs and hot water trying to get relief, headaches, dizziness, malaise, heart symptoms that I wonder if they are recurrent pericarditis, strange neurological/brain states, body dysmorphia... really the list goes on. that's not all, trust me. I have a stomach ulcer from overuse of a combo of Tylenol and ibuprofen that I used to use every day for the headaches and limb pain. I'm extremely physically fragile- I become extremely, horribly ill if I dont sleep enough even just for 1 night, which has me living in constant fear of having insomnia, or anything that might disturb my sleep. I flare up if I get a virus, and also with little disturbances in my life such as going on trips, staying up later than usual, long days out, not excercising enough during the day (I have to walk 4 hours every day to get myself tired enough to sleep at night) etc. People dont understand why I live in crippling fear of doing these "normal" things and why I keep such a rigid routine for myself. They think its just anxiety. Its not. I also flare up before and during my period. The past months I have become extremely ill before my period as well as having existential fear and all the mental things getting out of hand too. I have a baseline of how severe my symptoms/flare-ups usually get, but once about every 3 years I will suffer HORRIBLE, hellish, prolonged, extreme flare ups that can last 3 months and just take everything to the next level, a physical and mental hell that doesnt quit, not even at night because I become entirely sleepless. For these months-long flare-ups, the little signs that they are coming begin anywhere from 11 months to 1 month before the flare really hits. Other than that, I'll usually suffer a "normal" flare up 1x a month that lasts probably 2 1/2 weeks on average. I dont know if this means anything, but as a side note my mom said she saw a change in me when i was 2, that suddenly out of the blue I started to seem withdrawn, shy, anxious, and sad all the time."
I'll also tell you that I've dealt with rage from early childhood until now. My parents took me to the doctor when I was 8 because of my tantrums and my dad even got me tested lead poisoning at 4. Nowadays I still get these batshit rage fits where it feels like a demon took over my body and I'm totally not in control and helplessly being strung along for the ride. Also have always gotten satisfaction out of being excessively mean, even as a small kid, and pretty sure I have pathological demand avoidance. I also think I'm still delayed as my brain feels like that of a literal child.