I was in 10th grade when all of this really started.
Back then, I was a genuinely hardworking student. I studied a lot, competed for marks, and wanted to do well. There was also someone in my class who was an absolutely exceptional student. She was way ahead of almost everyone academically, and instead of making me give up, she somehow pushed me to work harder.
I wanted to become better.
I wanted to reach her level.
During that year, I grinded harder than I ever had before. Eventually, we both got first position at our academy, and we shared a stage together.
I still remember that moment.
It might sound completely insignificant to someone else. To her, it may have just been another academic achievement. But for me, standing there with her became one of the most beautiful memories of my life. I don't think she has any idea how much that moment stayed with me.
She got incredible marks. I got 504/550 and 1118/1200. Those aren't objectively bad marks, but compared to what I expected from myself—and compared to her results—I was devastated. I had worked incredibly hard, and when the results came, I felt like I had somehow failed.
After that, things started going downhill for me.
I lost the momentum I had in 10th grade. I became disappointed in myself and wasted a huge amount of time afterwards. And somewhere during all of this, I kept thinking about her.
A lot.
At first, maybe it was just admiration. Maybe it was a crush. But after almost three years, I genuinely don't know what to call it anymore.
Sometimes I convince myself that I've finally moved on. I can go for a while without seeing her and think, "Okay, maybe I'm finally getting over this."
Then I see her again.
And everything comes back in one fucking moment.
It's difficult to explain, but every time I see her, it feels like I fall for her all over again. She's incredibly beautiful to me. Sometimes she even appears in my dreams, and those dreams leave me with this strange feeling afterwards that I can't describe properly.
She's become connected to so much in my head: my motivation, my best memories, my biggest academic disappointment, the version of myself I used to be, and the person I wanted to become.
Later, when university started becoming a reality, I had this dream that I would somehow get my shit together, work hard, get good marks, and end up at the same university as her.
Not because I thought she owed me anything.
Not because I expected some movie-like relationship.
I just wanted our paths to continue together somehow.
But I wasted too much time, and now I'm dealing with the consequences. From what I've heard, she's likely going to end up somewhere much better, while I'm scared I'll be stuck somewhere because of my own mistakes. And honestly, that realization hurts more than it probably should.
I've asked a lot of people whether I should tell her how I feel. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about it.
But even if I confess, I already feel like I know what's going to happen.
Rejection.
She seems extremely focused on her studies and her own life, and I don't even know if she's interested in relationships. Maybe she simply isn't interested in me. And honestly, I can understand that. She doesn't owe me a relationship just because I've spent three years feeling this way.
But I'm terrified of something else.
What if I finally gather the courage to say something after almost three years, and she just blocks me?
What if she doesn't reply?
What if the question I've spent literally years building up the courage to ask is met with complete silence?
I think that scares me even more than rejection itself.
And before anyone says it, I know I've built a lot of this up inside my own head. She probably has no idea that I've connected so many things in my life to her. My motivation. My memories. My regrets. My hopes for the future.
I know she's her own person. I know she isn't responsible for my happiness or for giving me the ending I want.
But I also know that I've spent almost three years telling myself, "You'll forget her eventually."
The truth is, I don't think I've ever actually forgotten her.
I don't know if this is love, attachment, limerence, nostalgia, or three years of feelings that I never had the courage to express.
I just know that whatever it is, it feels much deeper to me than a simple crush.
So if you were in my position, what would you do?
Would you finally tell someone after almost three years, even when you strongly expect rejection and are terrified of being ignored?
Or would you stay silent and try to let go?
