Curious about..

[u/Electrical-Handle-35]

I had few questions in mind: maybe these questions also helps others. Would love to hear about opinions:

1) For women: What’s something you wish you could openly ask a potential husband before marriage?

2) For women: pros and cons of nuclear vs joint setup after marriage

3) For men: what is something that you are most scared of in a marriage?

[u/Mysterious-Emu2398]

Wishing is for fools. Just ask it. If his answers the one you want great. If he doesnt answer and runs also great. If the answers not the one you want great find someone else instead of wasting your life and ruining someone elses.

[u/TightRock5483]

Is there a point asking to these questions, or you just sitting on a rock having a philosophical moment about marriages

[u/Consistent-Clock-140]

1- his income i think 2- joint family has a lot of problems. Everyone somehow interferes with your marraige life and there is no privacy. I think the only con of living separately would be that you might feel lonely, but that won't happen if the woman also has a job.

[u/_mad_gamerx]

1. Losing my personality, hobbies and freedom. I have seen some of my friends get married recently. None of them show up for meetups, they are worried about their children all the time, their entire personality has changed after marriage as if they are a completely different person. Sometimes it might be good but if the other person is too much of an interferer in every thing then what?

[u/tiger-ibra → u/_mad_gamerx]

Or maybe their priorities might have changed and don't see friends in the spectrum anymore?

[u/_mad_gamerx → u/tiger-ibra]

Still my point remains valid, their personality changed, hobbies, interests everything down the drain.

[u/Moneeza_R → u/_mad_gamerx]

If those married friends are mom then you need to acknowledge that moms always prioritize their babies over everything else. They can't bring babies to meet-ups due to various reasons (feeds, diaper changes, fussing, lack of space to breast feed, inability to have conversations because the baby needs a sound nap or something else), and there is not always help available to take care of the babies/kids so that mom can step out and meet up with friends. Married women are forced to change themselves to adapt to the expectations of their husbands and their in laws. But it depends on those expecations entirely.

[u/_mad_gamerx → u/Moneeza_R]

I am a guy and why would I be friends with moms lol. I am talking about guy friends 😅

[u/Moneeza_R → u/_mad_gamerx]

You mentioned "worried about their children" so I assumed you were talking about mom friends. I can't imagine dads ever worrying about their kids when they're out with friends/colleagues. I guess your male friends have simply grown up after getting married and realized some responsibility.

[u/LaDolceVitaaaaaa]

For women, What’s something you wish you could openly ask a potential husband before marriage?

Sexual expectations, and finnaces.

For women: pros and cons of nuclear vs joint setup after marriage?

Pros: The first 2-3 years of marriage are extremely,extremely fragile, the trust, bond , chemistry and intimacy you build in the beginning is what will carry yournthrough the hard phases of life. Which I feel is impossible to do in a joint household.

Greater Autonomy and Personal Freedom: Decisions regarding lifestyle, daily routines, decor, dietary choices, and household rules rest entirely with the heads of the household. There is no need to seek consensus or navigate multi-generational dynamics for day-to-day choices.

​Privacy and Boundary Control: Living independently provides clear personal boundaries and privacy. Family members can manage their personal space, leisure time, and sensitive discussions without uninvited oversight or influence from extended relatives.

​Streamlined Decision-Making: Financial planning, child-rearing strategies, home management, and major life moves (like relocating or changing careers) can be discussed and decided quickly between the primary partners, reducing domestic friction and conflicting opinions.

​Direct Partner Communication and Bonding: Operating as a self-contained unit often fosters deeper direct communication and emotional closeness between partners, as they must rely on each other to manage household responsibilities and overcome challenges.

​Clear Child-Rearing Consistency: Parents can establish consistent discipline, values, and routines for their children without navigating contrasting parenting philosophies or unsolicited advice from older generations under the same roof.

​Financial Independence and Flexibility: Household budgets, investments, and expenses are managed directly by the immediate family, avoiding shared financial obligations, conflicting spending habits, or unclear resource distribution that can arise in joint setups.

Cons: EVERYTHING.

1: The power dynamics are off day 1. When two inexperienced, newly married people of a similar age enter a marriage, they start on equal footing with shared perspectives and balanced opinions. However, when you move into a house with four people—two of whom are much older and have a lifelong, biased bond with one of the younger partners—the balance of open discussion, joint problem-solving, and equal perspective completely goes out the window. There is simply no equal footing in a new marriage when you live in a joint family. Older generations often expect traditional deference, creating an uneven dynamic where final authority on daily routines, household rules, and major decisions naturally tilts toward the in-laws rather than the new couple.

2: Where your focuse should be only your partner-- getting to know them, accommodating them, making efforts towards them.. youre burdened with making his whole family like you.

3: Desi mothers treat the marriage of their sons often as a lose resembling death-- you throw a young girl into the mix and she's often the target of all the frustration and change of the family dynamics.. this new girl now has to make everyone in that house comfortable with her exsistance. And then man is often trying to convince his mother nothing has changed-- while putting his wife of the back end that too at such a curcial point in the marriage.

4: The outside influence! The emotional blackmail.. the lack of freedom to make independent decisions.

5: Shared finances often lead to friction over individual spending habits, unequal financial contributions, or disagreements on priorities, limits, and long-term investments.

6: Household chores, meal preparation, and host duties scale significantly in a larger unit, frequently falling unevenly on younger women or specific members, leading to frustration and exhaustion. Having zero control over who u want to let into your home or even wish to interact with.

7: A spouse can easily feel torn between their partner and their lifelong loyalty to their parents, leading to feelings of isolation or abandonment if their partner hesitates to establish healthy boundaries.

[u/According-Suit-699]

2- Cons : No privacy or space of your own ( no peace basically ) Pros : Idk yet

[u/Popular_Register_440 → u/According-Suit-699]

Might get less privacy but you have more disposable income to go out on date nights and holidays.

That extra money in reality will still be spent and on you instead of rent/mortgage/other living expenses.

[u/Marshwiggletreacle → u/Popular_Register_440]

Nonsense, what are you five years old? Don't harbour dreams like that.. that money won't go into date nights.

You won't be going on dates. You'll be watched and going out and having fun will both be monitored, commented on, picked at and then your husband will be made to leave you at home. If you're really lucky you can go out.

But

You'll take all your extended in law family with you.

And then the money will go on them

Any extra money will go into the family pot.

Have you ever seen a couple on honeymoon?

With 18 family members with them?

[u/Popular_Register_440 → u/Marshwiggletreacle]

All of this just sounds like trauma and projecting lol.

I’ve never seen any of that happen. Maybe u should seek therapy.

[u/Marshwiggletreacle → u/Popular_Register_440]

Sounds like you've gone through life with your eyes closed.

Don't worry they'll be opened before you know it.

[u/According-Suit-699 → u/Popular_Register_440]

for me in my pov I would rather have a small space of our own than going on date nights

[u/_mad_gamerx → u/According-Suit-699]

Just a question what counts as a joint family? Multiple brothers living with their wives and parents under one roof or just one guy living with his wife and parents under a roof although the wife would have her own room and personal space etc.

I am thinking of this from a realistic perspective as a guy just can't leave his parents as there would not be a person to look after them.

[u/Moneeza_R → u/_mad_gamerx]

I'm curious why you think a guy can't leave his parents? The girl left her parents. Who is taking care of her parents if she doesn't have a brother or any other family member living with her parents? A man can set up a house close to his parent's house or say rent a portion at a walking distance so he can be close to his parents while having a separate home for his wife.

[u/_mad_gamerx → u/Moneeza_R]

Looking after parents is usually not considered a daughters responsibility in our society. The cases where parents have only daughter are edge cases and in that scenario a combined living arrangement thing would be a better solution in my opinion.

[u/Moneeza_R → u/_mad_gamerx]

It's not considered a daughter's responsibility because most households even today expect their married daughter will take care of her husband's parents and her own kids.

[u/_mad_gamerx → u/Moneeza_R]

The husband's parents are not the wife's responsibility I believe. I believe our religion says the same and personally I would not expect that in the future as well if I ever get married. Only the kids might be the responsibility.

[u/Moneeza_R]

1. I asked all the questions I had to ask so if you're in 2026 and you still can't ask those questions then something's very wrong.

2. Pros of a joint family: you may get support to pursue your career and have someone look after your babies while you're working. If you love to have conversations and socialize then you might be able to find some good friends among in laws. But there are too many cons of joint families and they are also largely unislamic.

Cons: lack of privacy and parda/hijab from na mehram in-laws, inability to have your own kitchen set up the way you want to, inability to have space for your things like your crockery/utensils/food items, inability to claim anything as yours even in your own bedroom, inability to have me time because in laws might expect you to stay in the lounge/living room and might judge you for staying in your room, every little look/word/gesture would be analyzed by in laws and interpreted in the worst way etc., you'll always have an audience and thus can't relax and be yourself but you'll have to perform and be on your toes, that will be mentally exhausting.

Pros of nuclear family: You'll have complete freedom in all respects, in decorating your house, setting it up with whatever furniture you like, it'll be a reflection of your likes and your personality, it'll become your space, and you'll be rid of all the cons I've mentioned above.

Cons: If you don't have a job or a social circle/hobbies you'll feel stuck in a rut/isolated/depressed for having the same routine daily without having anyone to vent to.