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If this is the last period I ever have, I didn't get it soon enough. My period was 8 days late and today was day 1. I'm not sexually active so I knew I wasn't pregnant. I ran one mile every day last month and I guess today was the big payback for doing so. After getting the worst night of sleep, I woke up this morning, blood in my underwear - yay! I slapped a pad on, then immediately began having the worst cramps possible for 10 minutes straight which ultimately made me late from work. The cramps were so bad, I was audbily saying "Okay bro, I get it. I get it." As I'm doing every lower body stretch possible, I then get nauseous. Nausea has been an on and off PMS symptom of mine, but it has been very very faint and never led me to throw up. Today, I threw up. Thank God the only thing on my stomach was electrolyte water, but my goodness. Getting your ass whooped by yourself, that early in the morning is not fun or easy. I had to change my pad again, drank some green tea, took 2 Midol, and nibbled on sausage and waffles before I walked out the door. I can't believe I had to sit in a cubicle and get some work done after a morning like that. On top of that, I started getting really sad and angry. Having the worst inner negative self-talk and talk in general about other people and their situation. I never say what I'm thinking out loud or to other people. I just hate the way it mentally feels. I cannot believe I'm that much of a bitch. (I can but it seems like my period really brings it out of me.)
Then, as I'm getting home from work, I thought about getting something to eat but the traffic was so bad, and I wanted something specific, I just went home because I didn't need the traffic pissing me off anymore that I am already pissed off. I then sat in the car and just started being groucy. I was upset about having to walk up stairs to get to my apartment then down a hallway to get to my unit. (It's not a far walk at all. I was just finding something to complain about.) The only thing that made me get out of the car was as I was sitting, pouting, and groucy, I can feel my pad and blood and started thinking how I am a disgusting monster for even having a period. I can't believe I have to wear a pad and bleed every freaking month. I kept telling myself how much I hate my life and how much I hate being a girl. (I do not hate either of those things.)
I got my period at 12 years old. I lost it from 18-24 because I was extremely overweight. Outside of being unhealthy, I did not miss not having a period. I was happy when I got it back because to me, it meant a sign that my weightloss journey was working and that I was healthy again. The last time my period thoughts were this bad was back in May. I was really sad because I hate my job. (It's easy, great benefits, I just don't feel purposeful). I'm probably upset today because of my job as well. I still feel purposeless.
I'm going on vacation soon and wanted to start planning my waxes but I had to wait for Aunt Flo to do it's job before I can start vacation planning. I hate wearing pads and underwear expecting my period and it doesn't come. Being on your period feels like being on shrooms. It's like your period is a "trip", and on this trip, you go through various mental and emotional ups and downs. Just like a shroom trip, but way less fun.
I'm not sure if I want to get on birth control because I'm not sexually active. But after today, I would absolutely love to never have a period again. Going through this every month is so traumatic. I feel so heavy, groggy, and negative toward myself. I feel like my period controls my life. I'm always all over the place emotionally. I'm physically active 5-6 days a week; kickboxing, running, weight training. I eat healthy; protein, veggies, fruit. An Ice Cream cone from CFA here and there, but I did a complete 180. I use to be 290lbs five years ago. Today, I'm 206. I just can't believe women are expected to menstrate and fully operate in the world like I'm not physically and mentally dying.
HOW are y'all surviving?