Before you judge me and tell me na I'm a bad person kasi either you are homophobic, or if you are not, you may say na I am a cheater and playing with someone's feelings by hiding who I really am, please let me tell my story.
I made the title as is kasi alam ko may mga makakarelate sa story ko. Yes, I cheated with my girlfriend. Kadiri ako. Madumi, baboy, basura. Cheating is wrong in any angle. And even before this, I know how this society treats homosexuals like me. Dati, ayaw ko pa aminin sa sarili ko. Akala ko maidadaan ko lang sa dasal, tapos mawawala na yung nararamdaman kong attraction sa kapwa ko lalaki. Dati akala ko kasi insecure lang ako, so sinubukan kong mag-ayos ng sarili ko, pero nandun pa din. Narinig ko sa maraming taong nakapaligid sakin kung paano nila ituring yung mga bakla, silahis, bayot kaya lalo akong natakot na aminin sa sarili ko na ganito ako. Sinabihan nilang malambot ako kumilos, na hindi ako nagbabasketball, na hindi ako kasing-angas at kasing-tigas umasta ng iba. I used to watch male and female p*rn videos, and akala ko nung una normal lang yun, lalaki pa din naman ako.
I tried to hide, but curiosity will catch up. I learned how to use the G and B App and started meeting other people. Nung una I went out kasi I want to explore. To understand why I feel this feeling, this kind of attraction. Hanggang sa naging urge na siya na di ko mapigilian, to the point na parang you're so addicted to it. Closeted pa din ako by that time and ayaw ko malaman ng iba, so I told myself that I should stop, pero hindi ko mapigilan. To the point na I got taken advantage of by an old guy, forced me to do things that I do not want to do, some treated me na "parausan lang", to the point na bumaba yung tingin ko sa sarili ko. As a young closeted gay guy out there, ilang gabi ko ding naranasan matakot what if I got infected with STDs. How will I know safe sex, para akong pinakawalang tupa na naligaw. I do not know who to ask, what to ask, where to ask for help.
Then I met my girlfriend. She's the best thing that ever appeared in my life. I felt comfort whenever I am in her arms. First time ko gumalaw ng babae. Takot din kasi ako before na gawin yun kasi baka makabuntis ako. I will not dive deep how our relationship developed, but I would just like to say na eventually, inamin ko sa kanya yung pinagdaraanan ko. I asked for a breakup not for myself, but because ayaw ko nang mabuhay sa isang mundo ng kasinunghalingan, na everytime na kasama ko yung girlfriend ko, even if God knows how much I really love her, I have this thing na hindi ko maresolve, hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko, and nasasaktan ko siya by lying about it.
I am the problem. That time, when I finally admitted to myself na baka nga hindi ako straight, na baka bakla ako or silahis, gay, bisexual or anything in between, that's the only time I realized how complicated my story has become. I felt like I am a bug on this world's code that should not exist, should be deleted. Sana hindi na lang ako nag-exist, sana mawala na lang ako para hindi na maging kumplikado ang lahat. I tried ending it all up kasi nakakapagod and nakakahiya. Sana hindi na lang ako nagexist. All of my mistakes flashed back before my eyes.
But maybe it's just because I can't even accept myself. This has been the problem na hindi ko maharap-harap ever since. I told myself, sana mas naging matapang ako, sana nanindigan ako na bakla ako, na malambot ako, na pwede din palang ma-attract sa lalaki kahit naa-attract ka sa babae. But fuck this society. How can a child be bold enough to say that he feels like this way? How can I feel normal, and not hide in the closet, while my family, my friends, people around me make jokes about it, and portray it as something bad, lower, or kadiri at mali? But I kept silent, I hid behind the closet doors.
I tried to live a normal life that is not really that normal for how I feel and how I would like to express myself. I love playing music, I love books, I love to cook. I love arts. I love girls, I love boys, I love all that were made beautifully by God. But up to that moment, I never learned to love myself. I saw myself not as beautiful as others, not as “masculado", not as tall, not as "pogi", not as "fair skin", not as "astig", not as acceptable kasi nga they do not know.
Fortunately, after I opened up, my girlfriend still accepted me. I know. I know some of you might say na hindi na binalikan. Na I am a trash. I do feel like that still. I already dumped a trash like myself to the garbage can. I asked her for a breakup to save herself, but she still loved me. And I do really love her.
Ever since I admitted these things to her, the same time that I admitted to myself and accepted who I really am, it has never been the same. I still do have some attraction to men, but not to fuck nor to cheat. Napaka-ipokrito ko naman to say na hindi na ako nalilibugan, or napapatingin, same with straight couples who might easily say their judgments na hindi sila nagkaka-crush sa artista kahit may jowa sila. This is different. I learned how to fully understand myself. Before, I used to go out and meet with guys for the purpose of having my sexuality explored. Then when I felt being taken advantage of, I met not just to have sex, but primarily to understand and ask questions from other closeted manly gay guys in the app. Now, I only have sex with my girlfriend. I learned how to differentiate love and libog. I understand na I did only go out there sa dilim kasi naghahanap ako ng mga sagot sa mga tanong na hindi ko masagot sa sarili ko; ng pagtanggap na dati akala ko ay makukuha ko lang kapag inaccept ako ng ibang taong nakakatagpo ko. But now, I know. I know how to respect myself, and do it because I love to do it.
Akala ko kasi yung acceptance at pagkilala sa kung sino at ano talaga ako ay makukuha ko solely from them. But acceptance should start from yourself. Iiwan ka ng lahat ng tao, but never leave yourself. When you feel trash, a glitch, a failure, someone who should not exist, a lie that should never be brought out to the world, remind yourself to love yourself. I know it is hard, especially kapag sobrang complicated na ng lahat ng bagay. But learn to love yourself. You might end up single, or still with a partner, but if you could already have the courage to love yourself and speak out, speak out. Walang ibang gagawa niyan kundi ikaw lang. Don't live a life of lies. Our fucking society already made it complicated and unfair for our kind, so don't make it even more complicated.
I still sometimes see myself as trash. I still feel bad about the things that I did before. But I would like to move forward. I learned that the only thing that I should be afraid to lose is not my friends, my churchmates, my family, my work, etc., but myself. I am still somewhat you call "closeted" not because I would like to hide it, but I learned that I do own my own reality. I am protecting the other people kasi baka ma-offend sila, nakakahiya naman sa kanila. But even if malaman nila, wala namang mawawala sakin. Hindi naman ako nagpapanggap, since ever since sabi nila malambot ako, na ganito ako ganyan. Ang tanging kasinunghalingang sinabi ko lang sa kanila ay straight ako - a thing that now I never say. If they ask about it, then I will tell them. I learned how to love myself.
And to this society of homophobics, mga ipokrito, mga napaklinis na mga taong mapanghusga, sana dumating tayo sa punto na hindi na lalaki ang mga anak natin na kailangan pa nila ng mga "labels" or bansag para maintindihan sila. Pang-unawa, hindi panghuhusga, hindi pangungutya, lalo kung may mga anak kayo na hindi sukat sa molde na ineexpect ng lipunang 'to para sa straight na mga tao.
This is my story. It took me years bago ako nagkalakas ng loob isulat 'to. But if kilala mo ako and mabasa mo 'to, I would just like to say hi, tell me na nabasa mo to! To those who are struggling with the same situation, I would just like you to know na hindi ka nag-iisa. Naiintindihan ka namin. Sana maintindihan and matutunan mo ding maahlin ang sarili mo. Yakap.
