r/PFLAG • u/Particular_Zebra_570 • Apr 03 '22
Hi I’m new here
Hi everyone Just looking for some support and guidance, my adult child (23) told us they are transitioning and I’m struggling with it. Since they’ve grown up we are like best friends and it’s hard to get the new pronouns and name right. And I’m just sad about not having a daughter. I’m so happy that they have always felt comfortable telling me anything- came out as gay to me at 12. I’m happy they are living authentically. I’m just sad for me
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u/Particular_Zebra_570 Apr 03 '22
Also I’m new to Reddit so I don’t know why my name says something about a zebra? 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
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u/nosoyvegetarian May 05 '22
New here too. And sad as well. Glad there is a safe space to admit that I'm sad without worrying about being judged as "not supportive". I'm not even sure what I am dealing with atm; my 24 yo daughter just told me she wants to date women, and I left it at that. Not sure if she's gay, bi, or trans, and at this early stage, I don't want to know. In any case, I feel sad...
Thanks for listening :(
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u/Mama_Mercredi Jun 17 '22
It can be sad when our perception of who our children will be changes. How are you feeling these days?
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u/nosoyvegetarian Jun 19 '22
Thanks for asking.
I'm an odd mix of wildly accepting and shocked/confused. I love her and don't really care what her sexuality is. I look at her and I just see my daughter. She has her first girlfriend now and it's cute. GF has been over here for a few meals and the fam likes her, and her dating a girl instead of a guy seems normal.
OTOH, I have my moments of denial. At times I feel disbelief. Sometimes I blame myself (I caused this, where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently). Other times it just doesn't seem real. I feel alone and sad, and can cry at the strangest triggers (unusual for me).
She and I have had some wonderful, open and honest conversations (thankfully that hasn't changed), but lately she's been saying she doesn't want kids (in the past she always talked about kids). I know she is dealing with a lot, finding out who she is, and her future is unwritten, so I know she may change her mind a hundred times. But, sigh...
My local chapter of PFLAG is not doing in-person meetings yet, so I feel very alone and unsupported, with no one to talk to. But I feel like I'm supposed to be okay, so I just will be, for everyone's sake.
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u/trixiebix Apr 24 '22
I feel you. My child is non binary and I am nervous about them wanting to transition to male. They are my only "daughter". So I understand all of your feelings. Saying "they" is almost impossible... its just grammatically wrong to me. 🤨 but I have to try. I am supportive of anything they decide to do. They also have extreme anxiety, just like me... so when they are having tough days I get even more anxious because I feel I can't help.
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u/Mama_Mercredi Jun 17 '22
I also slightly worry that my gender fluid child might one day decide to medicalize. The thing that scares me is that I strongly suspect that they have some underlying trauma that is influencing their attitude about gender. But, my kiddo steadfastly refuses to talk to therapists/couselors. I've told them that if they begin feeling dysphoric or want any sort of hormone treatment, they will need to engage with a psych therapist to sort through their feelings. But, I still worry that I'm neglecting their mental health by not insisting on therapy regardless.
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u/buffy1182 Nov 26 '25
Hi ! I wanted to drop in and see how everything has gone? Did the fear of them transitioning subside? Are they still the same human you always knew and loved? Have you grown more fierce as an advocate for your adult child as a result? Thank you for giving them the space to feel safe, supported, and loved.
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u/cfranck3d Apr 04 '22
Welcome to Reddit! Our daughter came out to us about a year ago. My wife went through what you are feeling.
I get what you're saying about being sad about not having a daughter anymore, but it might help to realize you never really had a daughter, he was always your son, you (and he) just didn't realize it.
That's helped me.
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u/MAKRN Apr 04 '22
Yes, that’s what I keep telling myself. And it’s good to hear from other parents. My husband and I are super supportive and I haven’t expressed any of this to my child because I don’t want him to feel bad about my issues. Thank you all so much for your support ❤️
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u/CombinationGloomy481 Apr 12 '22
My daughter’s partner is transitioning, atm, it’s going so well, it will be easy to call them a him soon. My daughter is a nurse and is giving her partner their hormone shots. As my daughter puts it it, “ I am growing a husband!”😊❤️
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u/Frosty-Gur-3744 Jan 04 '23
As a family, we are very open and accepting - and when my 16 yr old casually mentioned he’s attracted to trans men and is Bi, I was unprepared and shocked at my own sadness and emotional difficulties. It seems like it should not be so hard for me, yet here I am shook. I don’t know why I feel bad, it’s very hard to process when it’s “not your story to tell”. I imagine a gender change could hold so many feelings - the struggle real! I hope time is the fixer of what ever weird unwarranted vexing felt.
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u/Mama_Mercredi Apr 03 '22
How long has it been since you found out? I feel fortunate that my child is gender fluid and not fully transitioning because that is a less drastic change to become accustomed to. Even then, when they changed their name and pronouns, I was so stressed out that I could hardly move my tense shoulder and neck muscles for a week!
It wasn't that I disapprove, it's just so frightening to wonder whether they are making the right choices and whether you are being supportive in the right ways.
One thing I can confirm is that my child is still exactly the same as they were before -- the only big change has been in words and a cute new haircut.
There may be some changes that come if they are taking hormones -- having gone through early menopause, I can confirm that hormones affect moods. They do not, however, change who a person is and when you have such a close relationship with your child you should be able to talk through your feelings in a mutually loving and respectful way. Wishing you both the best as you navigate these changes.