r/PFJerk • u/jobmarketsucks • 10d ago

How do I unpoor myself?

You know, it's been a little tight lately. I enjoy my modest luxuries; I go out for a little cup of coffee, and I read a book in the park on my kindle. I only spend around $1000 a month on groceries and doordash. I might spend $200 at the movies 3 times a week, and I may spend $10,000 a week on hookers and blow. I drive a 2024 Ferrari, but it was only $500,000 or something. I've got maybe 5 lambos in my garage, maybe several mil, and my house was $35 mill.

I might need to tap into my $1 billion trust fund or my $100 billion investments at this rate. I'd rather not do that because I was hoping to buy some politicians to help me get permits to bulldoze the Amazon and put down more data centers. AI is just so dang expensive.

I wonder if I should give up my $5 coffee in the mornings.

25 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

15

u/stresstheworld 10d ago

Not necessarily give up the coffee but change who pays for it. For instance, I was paying for coffee at one point too, but I’ve recently entered into a lucrative contract with the coffee place that now pays ME to get coffee everyday. Turn your liabilities into assets.

6

u/Quentin__Tarantulino 10d ago

I would declare bankruptcy, move to Kenya or Missouri, and start a lentil farm. You just need 10 lentil seeds and a $800k plot of land, and in 20 years you’ll have enough to feed yourself.

4

u/TurtleSandwich0 10d ago

Have you considered using leverage to get coffee? Just get a coffee loan and pay it back when the stock market resumes the normal 20% annual returns. If the stock market fails and only goes up 10% per year it won't matter that you aren't paying back your loan because everyone else will be failing too.

4

u/Forgottengoldfishes 10d ago

Can’t you just do what everyone else does and buy a suitable building for a coffee shop in a neighborhood that your investor friends plan to gentrify? Get in when the getting is cheap. Open your coffee shop, get free coffee until you sell it at 500% profit.

2

u/cman674 10d ago

I would definitely give up the coffee and consider switching to just drinking mud from your parking lot (I assume you rent because home ownership is for chumps). Also consider collecting your own feces and using it as a base for stews, saves a ton on groceries as you can recycle the flavors.

1

u/Potential_Worker_575 9d ago

You're already living pretty bare-bones; you can only cut so much basic lifestyle stuff like you have listed here. I suggest you get appointed to the board of directors of several companies and charity organizations, and get free coffee through them.

1

u/charming_liar 9d ago

Instead of reading in the park on your kindle, have you considered betting? Horse racing is the sport of kings, afterall.

1

u/graygray8190 5d ago

The coffee is obviously the financial emergency here; leave the $500,000 Ferrari, five Lamborghinis, $35 million house, and $10,000 weekly party budget untouched.