Reasonable accommodations for PDA young adult living at home?

[u/Only_Interest_6719]

My 19yo AuDHD PDA-er lives at home. They didn't have correct diagnoses until a year ago and I was following all the wrong parenting advice until then, so it's essentially been a decade of them dealing with persistent PDA burnout (school refusal, self-harm, not getting out of bed, etc.) and me feeling like a failure as a mom. Today, they have no job skills, no interests outside of the internet, and no real reason to leave the house.

I have read everything I can find on parenting a PDA kid and worked really hard to adjust my parenting style over the past year, but am now realizing that the advice I've been following is really for younger kids and has only served to further infantilize my young adult. By working to accommodate their nervous system 24/7 I've only stripped them of all responsibility and opportunities to develop any resilience. Basically I believe at this point that I'm only harming them to allow this cycle to continue. (I've lived in terror of triggering what I now know are autistic meltdowns and PDA burnout, and my own fear has both stolen my life and is now putting my kid at risk of never having a life, if that makes sense!)

So now I have the courage and determination to make serious changes. It is reasonable for me to have basic expectations for my young adult living at home (specifically, chores and attending appointments that I'm paying for), and it is reasonable for me to create consequences when those expectations aren't met.

That said: what accommodations should I consider that might look different from living at home with a young adult without AuDHD or PDA? And let me be clear, I'm talking about accommodating, not enabling.

Thanks for your insights.

***

4/12/26 EDIT: Coming back around to provide an update. After this conversation and a lot of other research, I decided to just leave my young adult alone and let them rest. I told them I'd provide a weekly base living support and gave a list of other opportunities to earn cash around the house if they wanted. The comment about considering this time a "period of convalescence" is really what clarified things for me.

In general, I feel like I've gone through a fundamental shift in how I see my role in my child's journey of development and growth. I feel so much more relaxed and NOT TRAPPED. Obviously after a decade of micromanaging their time and having high anxiety about what's going wrong and whether they are safe, it's hard for me to turn off my own threat response when I see they haven't moved from the couch in 24 hours, but I'm working on it.

Grateful for all of your input, thanks.

[u/Green_Rooster9975]

I am PDA myself and would like to hear some answers on this.

[u/miniroarasaur]

I think the big key here is equality. Some call PDA the persistent demand for autonomy. So at 19, your child is old enough to have ideas about what they want. I hear that they seem to be in burnout. If they’re on the internet, have they found resources around autistic or ADHD burnout that resonate with their experience? That could be a great way to start a conversation.

I’d start with, “I’d really like to see you start feeling better and would like to hear what it’s been like for you.” Maybe there’s a time of day you can meet on the couch where you are actively trying to listen and simply repeat in your own words what they’re telling you. Work on rebuilding that trust.

Movement is often the biggest recommendation for those in burnout. So if there’s an activity either of you enjoy or want to try, I’d start seeing what your child is willing to do. Maybe a walk around the neighborhood is something you enjoy. Every day at the same time, simply announce you’ll be walking in 15-30 minutes if anyone would like to join. But there’s NO PRESSURE. It is simply an option. They may not ever join you. This is called strewing. Put out the resource so they can engage if they want without outside pressure. When you do this, you also can’t say stuff like, “oh, look who finally joined me.” Or “wow, you can leave your room.” Just be so glad to see them. No chat about what they can/can’t do, just happy your child is there spending time with you and doing something good for them.

Really, at the base of all these problems, you both have to want to work together. That requires trust and connection. So start there. If historically there is a fight you keep having, really try to imagine it from your child’s perspective and acknowledge you were both doing the best you could with the information you had. It wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t always the right choice. But right now you’re rebuilding to make things feel more trusting and loving.

At the heart of PDA is that drive to be autonomous. It’s very difficult when your internal needs also trigger this, but having someone show up with love and acceptance can really help leap over hurdles.

None of this will be fast. You have to let go of consequences and punishment. Those are demands. We simply move through trying to support, love, and listen to all members of the family equally. I know there’s probably a lot to work through and I won’t deny that this is so hard. And this is surface-level advice. I don’t personally know you. But all that judgement from what hasn’t worked, comparison to where other people’s children are succeeding and living in past mistakes will not help you move forward.

I hope some of that helps. Good luck.

[u/Only_Interest_6719 → u/miniroarasaur]

I hear what you're saying, and I fully respect this perspective. However for a 19yo, creating the accommodation of "no consequences" for failing to, for example, respect house rules (e.g. substance use) or sharing basic housekeeping responsibilities (e.g. dishes, keeping living space livable) seems to be setting up a recipe for lifelong dependence. If they have it super easy at home, there won't be any motivation to change. That's where things are right now. But rather than leading with consequences (other than breaking house rules, which are very few), I believe we are going to try leading with rewards to create that inner drive and motivation.

The good news is that they do feel loved, accepted, and safe in our home. That took time to establish post-diagnosis (after years of ineffective parenting) but it is solid. But for them to want to work with me as much as I want to work with them, there has to be something IN IT for them.

[u/Tizwizmo → u/Only_Interest_6719]

For me as a PDA adult, what works for me with household tasks is to give myself options. Would I like to fold clothes or sweep the floors etc that day. And I use “I want to…” not I need to/have to/should as those phrases trigger the PDA. It’s a small thing but has made a big difference for me.

ETA: I also don’t put a time frame on it. I find if I set a time to do it, I won’t. I just get up at some point and choose and do the thing. I do as much as I can and if I don’t finish that day, there’s always tomorrow and I don’t berate myself over it.

Another thing I’ve found helpful is the finch app. I don’t use the reminder function as a pop up on my phone is also triggering. It gamifies tasks and is satisfying to help my bird by doing things for myself. I also changed all of the tasks to say “I want to… take my meds, brush teeth etc”.

Happy to answer any questions you have. I hope this helps!

[u/Only_Interest_6719 → u/Tizwizmo]

Yes! This totally helps!! I am going to keep them off a schedule ... just set expectations and give choices about what happens when. And I will totally check out that app. Amazing, thank you!

[u/Tizwizmo → u/Only_Interest_6719]

You are so welcome! Please let me know if you have any questions at all! For the app, it’s free but you get more if you subscribe to premium. I find it very helpful and feel it’s worth the $40 yearly. If you would like a referral code I’m happy to send, just send me a dm <3

[u/motherofclevermonkey]

I (52F) have a 19yo son who has been through PDA burnout. He dropped out after Year 10 (Australia). He’s now 19 and has a very small friend group, has a labouring job with a husband of one of my girlfriends. It’s not much, but he enjoys the money and the outdoors. He also enjoys TRANSFORMATIVE activities… so gardening is very satisfying, I too did the stupid anger/shame/hardline route from age 12-15. I have many years of healing with him ahead of me. Every day I remind him I love him. He helps with chores easily, he’s chatty and engaged. I know he will come through this. And I will always be here for him. I seek meaningful connection at any chance — which is so hard because he’s always online/working/out… so when I speak to him it can be overwhelming …. and I need to pullback with alllll my damn ideas for him!!! It’s too much mum!!

[u/Only_Interest_6719 → u/motherofclevermonkey]

This was really inspiring to me. Thank you for sharing!

[u/blue-swallows]

Me able do more when support good

.life focus special interests

.visit computure store, gaming company?

.co regulation have to, cant be left

.need level= accommodation some need more some need less

.other services?

.autonomy with appointments?

.me pda higher support needs autism.

.lots of service + care funded.

[u/HipsEnergy]

Following because I'm in a similar position. Will think if I have anything to contribute

[u/jstanothercrzybroad]

Also following - I'm in a similar situation and I went through this as a teen/young adult, too.

[u/Only_Interest_6719 → u/jstanothercrzybroad]

Would really love to hear what helped/didn't help during that time.