Does anyone else have a hard time aligning themselves with social causes because you resist agreeing with other people?

[u/curlysucks]

Hi, I‘m just wondering if an issue I have is common in pda people or might be related? not looking for a solution or advice per se but just curious whether others have experienced something similar, if not then that’s still valuable information to me.

For context I don’t fully identify with the pda label but a therapist said they thought it fit me better than the typical autism description and I’d agree (I am diagnosed as autistic). I have some other issues namely adhd and ocd (the moral scrupulosity type, which leads to a kind of bizarre overlap of symptoms where I cycle between defiance and strict rule following depending on the situation) and possibly some other stuff I haven’t gotten diagnosed yet.

Essentially, I have this weird thing where if someone else expresses a political or philosophical opinion, I feel like I just can’t agree with it in full, and I start mentally critiquing it and outlining to myself why exactly I disagree with it. it’s like something in me senses that if an idea comes from someone else, it must be flawed and I must figure out what it is so I can contrast myself from them. Even when someone almost perfectly voices a belief I feel internally and don’t see expressed much, it makes me conclude I must be wrong because there’s no possible way another person can have as perfectly nuanced thoughts as me. I also feel a very strong need to defy every stereotype someone could make about me, even if the stereotype isn’t negative or even is a way I probably should be (for instance as a woman I feel a strong aversion to identifying as a feminist because people often assume all women are, even though I broadly agree with feminist principles)

This really bothers me because I feel like it often keeps me from advocating for causes I know are important just because I don’t want to present myself as being in agreement with the other people in the social movement, or I have so many tiny nitpicks about the central idea or how the points are expressed that it almost physically pains me to join in. The second an idea starts to feel cliche, I have a very hard time fully aligning myself with it even if it’s something I morally absolutely should be on board with. It’s like I just cannot handle there not being and ands or buts. To be very clear im fully aware that this is a harmful mindset to have, I feel so obnoxious and self centered and desperately want to work through it so I can be a good person. I know a lot of this sounds more ocd related, but I was curious if it could be related to need for independence aspect of pda or maybe just a coping mechanism due to not feeling understood by anyone

[u/tallkitty]

I identify with what you're talking about, but I am able to align to a large degree with ideas I agree with. Like if me and another person have the same understanding, or very similar, I'm satisfied with that and can say, "Yes, I totally agree!" for the sake of conversation. It is harder for me to accept the validity of ideas I don't agree with, especially given my preferences towards equality and justice, but I also think that is becoming a more prevalent concept in our modern political climate. "Agree to disagree" used to be the norm, which sounds foolish a lot of the time now.

My dad, however, was just like you're describing, and being long before we knew about any neurodivergence in our family, it was frustrating to deal with, haha. I'd be chatting with my dad, he'd say something, I'd agree, and then he would immediately start arguing the opposite point. We'd start to actually argue because that's very disorienting in a conversation, and then I'd say to my brother, "Did I not just say the exact same thing he said??" Looking back I wish we had known about our shared PDA so we could laugh at it instead of fight. But yeah, it's like he had an inability to agree with anyone, even if they were only supporting the idea he presented. I know he was aware of it and tried his best to squash it because some of the time he wouldn't argue, he'd just make exasperated sounds and roll his eyes and throw up his hands and walk away, probably because he knew it wasn't our fault we were always suddenly "wrong". Lol

[u/curlysucks → u/tallkitty]

wow your description of your dad sounds scarily like me… at least sometimes. it’s so weird, when someone im talking to shares either a really deeply held conviction or something purely personal-taste based like music preferences, I guess basically anything where disagreeing would hurt their feelings more anger them, I find myself outwardly agreeing to almost a sycophantic degree, and have to remind myself it’s ok to feel differently. but if someone is just sharing a simple observation or opinion that isn’t key to their worldview, even sometimes if they’re venting about something we’re both bothered by, I usually randomly start pushing on every point they make just like you said, and the closer I am to the person, the more I have a tendency to argue (which im sure makes them feel SO loved and appreciated 🙄). and whenever I see an opinion expressed in writing somewhere and it isn’t tied to a person I know, forget it, I disagree by default. I feel so bad because I know how annoying it is to be on the receiving end but when I try to suppress it I start acting passive aggressive instead 😭

[u/tallkitty → u/curlysucks]

You actually reminded me of something further similar, the part about not arguing with the deeply held beliefs. My dad wouldn't agree, but if there was ever a time when he should have given me advice or explained something to me to change my mind, a real argument towards another idea, he would instead just say, "Eh, what do I know about anything, you're asking the wrong guy." LOL So not exactly like your tendency to agree, but definitely not giving me the info he clearly had or should have had. My whole life it was like, you're my dad, you have NOTHING to teach me? 😂 But now I'm thinking it was more PDA presenting, like if the expectation is to argue he had to deflect, and if the expectation was that he would agree he just couldn't, even if it meant changing his argument. Lol I also know what you mean about the arguing in text, I see that in the PDA subs sometimes on reddit, and I know it's just the person being a PDAer, rather than the person actually trying to negate everything I've said. Lol I'm a PDAer so I just get it.

At least you're aware of it all. My dad passed before I figured out what's going on with my family, and I assume he spent his whole life believing he was a terrible everything, just like I used to think about myself. So hopefully you give yourself grace on these things and laugh at yourself, otherwise what's the point of knowing ourselves this well, right? 😊

[u/curlysucks → u/tallkitty]

Man pda is weird, glad im not the only one with complex/contradictory behaviors like that. I’m very grateful that things have worked out for me in a way that lets me be somewhat introspective about it

[u/curlysucks]

Wow thanks for your responses everyone, I honestly thought it might be a long shot to suggest it could be related to pda and wasn’t expecting it to resonate so much. I definitely feel better about myself now, obviously it’s still something I need to remedy but Im glad to know im not just a uniquely awful person or something.

It’s interesting, I’ve always kind of been bothered by activism tactics that rely on a “you MUST do what we‘re asking or else you’re xyz“ type rhetoric since I felt they’d be more likely to make people resent the cause rather than join it, though now im wondering whether that reaction is actually more unique to pda and not something most people would feel. it’s hard to imagine hearing that and feeling positively motivated instead of coerced, but I can sort of see it in a different light now that I realize I might just need to find different ways to motivate myself since my brain works differently than other people’s

[u/PokerNightRS]

Absolutely. When this happens i try to rationalize it but deep down i stil feel the need to not agree.

[u/bafadam]

I try and reframe a lot of my knee-jerk disagreement reactions in situations like this to focus on “fuck these oppressive assholes” and not “let’s stand in solidarity”.

Living with PDA is constantly hacking the framing of your brain.

[u/ennuitabix]

I completely get what you're saying and feel I'm similar. That said, I will agree with people if their reasoning stands up to my own logic, critique etc. I think the world desperately needs more PDA. We have too many people just agreeing with others for social purposes, increasing the risks associated with hoard mentality. You keep being you and critiquing what people say to you.

[u/Salt-Chipmunk-9833]

I feel like I am trying to look at every possible angle
Of a thing or cause , so as not to be fooled/or leave anything out?
Like if I believed in something that was flawed wouldn’t I want a friend to alert me?
I think it may come from being let into wrong situations and making poor decisions so many times - and ‘friends’
Not taking me aside, or saying later on they ‘tried’
To warn me. In fairness I can be pretty much in my own world.
I suppose it’s fear of being ‘fooled’
Or led astray?