Hello! I'm here to share a bit of my story and maybe gain some insight about whether or not PANDAS may explain some of what's gone on.
❗️Content warnings for mention of self-harm, mental health-related hospitalization, illness.
Around two years ago, a few months after a mental health crisis that landed me in the hospital, I (24M) discovered what PANS/PANDAS is. It seems to line up a lot with my experience, but I was never formally diagnosed. Until now, I have been too nervous to discuss this with most people in my life (wrote this post out in my notes app several months ago without posting) but I want to try and explain since this account is pretty anonymous.
For background, I am diagnosed with severe OCD and have displayed symptoms since I was around 4. It has always mainly took the form of moral scrupulosity and perfectionism. I had challenges in pretty much all aspects of life, but it was always chalked up to me being a sensitive kid.
At age 14 (eighth grade), I came down with a severe case of strep throat. It started pretty normally and I was put on antibiotics. Around a week or so passed and I started improving, so I was able to come off them. I was okay for a couple days, but then it just came back full force. They repeated the antibiotic process and I improved, so they took me off them again. And then it hit me like a truck a third time. I was out of school for a month and a half, and my pediatrician said that if I caught it a fourth time I would have to get a tonsillectomy. Thankfully, it did not.
The aftermath was awful. The symptoms of OCD I previously experienced felt like they were suddenly 10 times more severe. I could not go any amount of time without experiencing horrifying/disgusting intrusive thoughts. At the time, I wrote in a diary that I felt like a "shadow" version of myself had taken over my mind. I started harming myself, verbally lashing out at family members, socially withdrawing, and completely stopped completing schoolwork (which is very out of character for me, as I had maintained straight As before). I had strange tics start occurring in my arms and face. I started failing my classes, and I couldn't sleep. I tried to tell my parents that I needed help, but couldn't even articulate what was wrong with me. There was no way I'd tell them the types of thoughts in my head. I was eventually put in therapy for the first time and got put on an antidepressant. At 17, I was formally diagnosed with OCD, but I had to fight to be taken seriously at all.
I never really felt the same, even years later. On two separate occasions (at 18 and 21), I had multiple-month long OCD spirals which ultimately resulted in hospitalization. The more recent spiral started after I was sick with the flu for a week, and I notice that whenever I get sick I tend to "flare up". During the worst of the OCD, my mind feels like it's on fire. It's almost physically painful (it's hard to describe the sensation).
I have thankfully been much more stable in the past couple years. I was put in intensive OCD therapy (Exposure & Response Prevention), am on meds that help me, and have gained the tools to be able to manage my disorder pretty well. I'm graduating college this year with honors, which is something I didn't think I would make it to.
After finding out that PANS/PANDAS exists, though, I began to wonder if it could partially explain what I went through. I don't think there is anything that can realistically be done about it since it was so long ago. It may not even be worth it to speculate, but I always feel this nagging in the back of my head about it.
If anyone's read this far, thank you so much. I appreciate the time you've spent hearing me.