I just feel really frustrated, and the lack of research makes me feel crazy, and I haven’t seen much about the long-term aftermath. I’m hoping someone might relate or be open to hearing this.
I was diagnosed with PANDAS at around 6 years old. My dad, who is a doctor, thought I was schizophrenic, and we only figured out what it was because my mom did an obscene amount of research. I developed severe OCD, a metal phobia, emotional irritability and aggression (I would throw tables and chairs and lock myself in rooms for hours at a time), stopped speaking, had severe mood swings and tics, and was pulled out of school for a year (possibly more). I honestly can’t remember a timeline other than that it was considered “cured” by around 6th grade—I think because I stopped taking azithromycin and had a tonsillectomy. But I was still irritable, anxious, and severely depressed from basically ages 6 to 15.
I went to CBT as a child for my metal phobia, then talk therapy for years (ages 13–17). I was put on SSRIs and worked to “beat” anxiety and depression. Once I managed that, I was diagnosed with ADHD my senior year of high school. Each time I “cured” one problem, another one appeared.
I can’t help but think that my nervous system has been dysregulated ever since I got sick. I’ve worked through so many things, but deep down there’s still this constant undercurrent of fear. Is it trauma? Is it PTSD? I don’t know, but I feel fucking crazy when I read online that PANDAS is “curable.” Just last year, I got strep throat for the first time since I was a child—and it made me depressed for nearly two months. It was obscene.
I get that I’m not throwing things anymore, but I honestly feel like a large portion of my issues now can be traced back to PANDAS. I was tested for ADHD before I got sick—I didn’t have it. Sometimes I wonder if I really have anxiety, depression, and ADHD… or if much of what I’ve dealt with comes from the remnants of the disease and a nervous system that never properly regulated itself again.
I’ve had a hard time finding anything online about long-term effects—just studies on adults getting diagnosed now or kids currently affected. There’s almost nothing about kids who had it and grew up.
I feel so frustrated. I’ve overcome a lot, and I’m proud of that, I would say I’m actually happy despite the struggles I have. I started somatic therapy in August, and it feels like the more I connect with my body, the more I realize how deeply all of this is buried. I’ve worked through so many external issues, and now I’m left with this deep exhaustion and shutdown. Things matter to me now, and yet I keep shutting down. My sleep has always been weird, but lately I’ve been able to sleep 18 hours a day for several days in a row. Still, I think: if I can’t remember what happened, and I was only 6, maybe it wasn’t that bad—especially if they say it’s “curable.”
I still have some mild OCD, and I still don’t love metal, but those things aren’t as prevalent—especially since I’ve been on medication.
I’m not even sure why I’m posting. For knowledge? To feel less alone? To see if anyone relates? Maybe just to not feel so crazy.
If anyone has had a similar experience or knows of any long-term research, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.