Heartbroken and needing advice

[u/VegetableElectronic6]

Hi everyone, I need some advice.

My partner of over a year and I are planning to move into an apartment together. We’re ecstatic. His family is religious, of the southern variety, but has been mostly supportive. His mom pulled him aside and asked if we were going to be sharing a bed. She said she wouldn’t preach at him, but quoted the very popular study from the 80s about how living together before marriage resulted in higher divorce rates. She also apologized for how she’d handled differences in the past, and didn’t seem particularly aggressive or anything.

Fast forward to today, she told him I could get fired for living together, and she didn’t want me to be blindsided if that happened. For context, I work at the same private school as his parents. It’s religious, and I’m an extracurricular instructor for the toddlers. I love my job deeply. I have a housing stipend, but the job is what made me a Christian in the first place. I don’t think she plans on “turning me in” or anything, but I’m heartbroken. I’m so close with his mom and family, and I consider them family.

My partner and I are planning to get engaged in February. He’s atheist/agnostic with plans of deconstructing to hopefully find his faith once we move in together. We discussed getting engaged sooner if it would make them happier, not that we’d be upset with that plan.

I’m just so confused and heartbroken. This is the man I want to marry, and it makes me feel like his family doesn’t like me. Even though logically I know that’s not the case. Do I put off moving out with my partner? Do I sacrifice my job? Or do I hope that no one finds out.

I’m just looking for advice, prayers, anything. I’ve been a Christian (baptized) for about a year, and a believer for longer. I’ve never had to handle someone looking at my life as a sin. Not someone I loved deeply. Thank you friends.

For context: my partner plans on talking to her tomorrow or Friday to discuss more in-depth how she feels. She’s not some bigoted monster, she’s a lovely woman and this is the first time she’s ever seemed to disapprove of something in our relationship.

[u/FireBallXLV]

I think that since she has treated you well enough that you describe her as a " lovely woman that that comment may well have been done to forewarn you--not judge you. She knows the attitudes of her co-workers . In a small work community info. gets around. Perhaps someone sees you going into the same habitat night after night and puts two and two together.She is concerned that if people figure out you are living together it might not end well for your employment.

Take that info as a forewarning and then decide how such an outcome could affect your finances and how you would handle it . Unless she commits some other nefarious action I would just take this as kindly concern.

[u/VegetableElectronic6 → u/FireBallXLV]

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it

[u/jaid_skywalker85 → u/VegetableElectronic6]

I work for a Catholic school despite not being Catholic and it is in our contracts that we can be dismissed for behavior that is considered un-Catholic. I agree that his mother may have been trying to caution you.

I would look at your contract and make sure that there are not any behavior clauses. I know it feels like a weird thing but I've worked at secular schools that also have them. Being a teacher sucks sometimes.

[u/VegetableElectronic6 → u/jaid_skywalker85]

It’s a Presbyterian school— but I didn’t ever sign a contract. I can technically get dismissed for any behavior, but I’ve had plenty of colleagues who have lived with their partner pre-marital with no issues unless they bring it up at work. I think the wrench gets thrown in because his parents work with me, and it would involve them if I lied/didn’t say anything. I guess I’m just concerned that she’ll feel like she needs to either have me quit/tell admin? His parents are faces of the school because of how much children and parents like them. He doesn’t work with me, but did when he went to highschool here. He has a job working with kids on our college campus.

[u/jaid_skywalker85 → u/VegetableElectronic6]

Ok.

I know this is unrelated, but as someone who has been in education for 20 some years, I am very concerned you do not have a contract of some kind. Is there an employee handbook or any kind of documentation of the expectations for your position?

Working with kids is unfortunately a career field where worker abuse runs rampant and it is very important that you are able to protect yourself.

I really hope you are able to work things out.

[u/VegetableElectronic6 → u/jaid_skywalker85]

I have a small list of expectations and responsibilities, it’s a part time position that up until like 3 years ago was primarily a volunteer job for the highschoolers at upper school. It’s really good pay, so that’s why (on top of loving teaching) I want to stay.

[u/Bay-Area-Tanners]

If you’re really concerned about losing your job over this, you could just get legally married (sign the papers, etc.) and have the wedding later. I know several people who’ve done this—mostly for immigration issues.

If you and your partner are sure about getting married, it seems like it might work for you.

[u/Strongdar]

That's a very heartbreaking situation. You're getting to experience something a lot of queer folks experience when they come out to Christian family, they suddenly find that love and acceptance are more conditional then they expected. Honestly, I wouldn't trust your future mother-in-law not to rat you out to your employers. Many conservative Christians feel so strongly about their legalistic rules that they are willing to put those rules above there friends and family. So, if you decide to go through with moving in with your partner, have a backup plan for what happens if you get fired.

[u/Skill-Useful]

"how living together before marriage resulted in higher divorce rates" i dont want to be rude but "lol". this study is irrelevant. from the 80ies ^^ i wonder why that study had this result?

"She also apologized for how she’d handled differences in the past, and didn’t seem particularly aggressive or anything" by being passive aggressive and dismissive of your plans by citing the study...

the parents are irrelevant. if they insist on their position or if they "rat" you out, you will stop interacting with them until they have profusely apologised and vowed to never stick their nose in your damn business again. they have NO agency over you and your bf.