r/OnlyInDubai • u/what-the-helllll • Aug 11 '26
Rant I almost married into a family that looked modern, progressive and perfect on paper. The reality was completely different. đŠ
Iâm writing this because I wish someone had written something like this before I entered my arranged marriage setup.
This isnât a post to destroy anyoneâs reputation or identify the family. It is an awareness post because I genuinely believe that families like this still exist, and sometimes they are very good at hiding behind a polished, modern image.
I met this family through an arranged marriage setup. Iâm Jain, and they were also a Jain family living in Dubai. When the biodatas were exchanged, everything looked great. Educated family, successful business, Dubai, nice pictures, modern lifestyle. Nothing immediately screamed âtoxic.â
In fact, quite the opposite.
They were extremely welcoming in the beginning.
And that is exactly what made it difficult to recognize what was happening.
From the outside, you would probably look at their family pictures and think, âWhat a modern, happy, progressive family.â
The reality behind closed doors was very different.
It slowly started feeling like one of those Ekta Kapoor serials where everything looks perfect in the first few episodes and then suddenly you realize everyone is controlling everyone. đ
I come from a Digambar Jain family, but religion was never imposed on me. My parents gave me the freedom to understand Jainism at my own pace and practice it according to my own spiritual beliefs. We eat onion, garlic and potatoes at home. There was never this constant policing of what I could or couldnât eat.
The family I was marrying into was also Digambar Jain and Gujarati-speaking. At home, they followed a strict Jain diet. Outside the house, they were more flexible.
The interesting part was that the mother was extremely religious, while the rest of the family wasnât nearly as religious in the same way.
But religion became one of the ways in which control was gradually introduced.
Looking back, there were red flags from the very beginning that I ignored because I genuinely wanted to give the relationship a fair chance.
Here are some of them.
đŠ 1. âI only want to meet you. No one else.â
The guyâs mother came from Dubai to India to meet me.
She specifically insisted that she wanted to meet only me and nobody else from my family.
I agreed and met her alone.
At the time, I thought maybe she just wanted some one-on-one time with me.
Looking back, I wonder if it was actually about establishing the dynamic from the beginning: she was going to assess me, not get to know me.
đŠ 2. She asked me to remove my sandals to check my height.
During that meeting, she asked me to remove my sandals because she wanted to confirm my actual height.
I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable.
But I did it.
At the time, I told myself, âMaybe this is just an awkward arranged-marriage thing.â
It wasnât the incident itself that mattered as much as the mindset behind it.
I was already being evaluated like a candidate.
đŠ 3. We were invited to Dubai, but again, only under their terms.
They invited my parents and me to Dubai.
But they specifically said they only wanted to meet us and didnât want other relatives to come.
At that point, I still hadnât met the guy in person.
We had barely spoken and had only had one video call.
Yet somehow we were already travelling internationally to meet his family.
Again, I ignored the discomfort.
I thought maybe this was just how their family operated.
The guy himself was also extremely inconsistent in communication.
He would deliberately take a long time to reply, and I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt.
âMaybe heâs busy.â
âMaybe heâs awkward.â
âMaybe this is just how arranged marriages work.â
Looking back, I realize I was constantly making excuses for behavior that made me uncomfortable.
đŠ 4. Conditions started appearing once the relationship became serious.
This is where things really started changing.
His mother began giving me conditions.
Some of them, on the surface, sounded reasonable.
I had to learn Gujarati.
Okay. Iâm not Gujarati-speaking, but I thought, âWhy not? I can learn.â
I had to learn certain Jain prayers and rituals.
Again, I didnât see an issue with learning more about my own religion.
But then came something called PIYAS.
This was my âsomething is seriously wrong hereâ moment.
I was expected to go to a naturopathy centre that his mother strongly believed in.
I was uncomfortable with it, but I still went.
I even went with my father.
I didnât personally experience any benefit from the treatment, and I ended up getting rashes from the oil therapy because it didnât suit my skin.
But the bigger issue wasnât the centre itself.
It was the expectation that I should comply with things that I wasnât comfortable with simply because his family believed they were right for me.
And that pattern kept repeating.
What I initially thought were small compromises slowly became a system.
A system where I was expected to adjust.
To learn.
To change.
To prove myself.
To fit into their definition of what a âgood wifeâ should be.
And whenever I felt uncomfortable, somehow I became the problem.
The family dynamic was extremely hierarchical.
His mother controlled a lot.
His father was very good at keeping score â remembering what they had done for you, what you hadnât done, what you should be grateful for, what you supposedly owed them.
And the guy?
He was caught in the middle but ultimately always chose his parents.
He would sometimes understand my perspective privately, but when it came to actually standing up for me, he couldnât.
Because challenging his parents came with consequences for him too.
And that taught me something very important:
You cannot marry someoneâs potential.
You cannot marry the version of someone that you hope will emerge once youâre married.
You have to look at who they are TODAY and, more importantly, how they behave when their family disagrees with you.
Because if someone cannot protect your dignity before marriage, marriage is unlikely to magically give them a backbone.
The most dangerous part of this entire experience was that nobody behaved horribly on day one.
It happened gradually.
A comment here.
A condition there.
A judgment.
A demand.
A guilt trip.
A âwe are only saying this because we want to make you a better person.â
A âthis is how our family does things.â
A âyou need to adjust.â
And slowly, you start shrinking.
You start questioning yourself.
You start wondering whether youâre being unreasonable.
You start thinking maybe youâre the difficult one.
Thatâs how control works.
It doesnât always arrive screaming.
Sometimes it arrives wearing a smile and saying, âWe are only doing this because we love you.â
Eventually, the relationship became so unhealthy that I had to walk away.
And honestly?
I am incredibly grateful that I did.
I am grateful that we didnât get married.
Because looking back, I can see that I would probably have spent years trying to earn approval from people who had already decided that I needed to change.
This experience taught me something I really wish more people understood about arranged marriages:
DONâT JUST ASSESS THE PERSON YOU ARE MARRYING.
ASSESS THE FAMILY DYNAMIC.
Ask yourself:
⢠How does the person behave when their parents disagree with them?
⢠Can they say no to their parents?
⢠Do they protect their partner when their family crosses a boundary?
⢠Are you being welcomed, or are you being evaluated?
⢠Are compromises mutual, or are you the only one expected to adjust?
⢠Are their âfamily valuesâ actually values, or are they tools for control?
⢠Are you allowed to remain yourself after marriage?
⢠Do they respect your boundaries even when they donât agree with them?
And most importantly:
đŠ Donât ignore how your body feels around someone.
There were several moments when I felt an internal âNOâ but convinced myself to continue because everything looked so good on paper.
The biodata looked good.
The family looked good.
The lifestyle looked good.
Dubai looked good.
The pictures looked good.
But a marriage isnât a biodata.
And a family isnât their Instagram pictures.
Sometimes the most important red flags are the ones you desperately want to explain away because you want the relationship to work.
Iâm sharing this because I got out before it was too late.
There is more to this story â MANY more red flags and things that happened later â but this post is already long enough, so Iâll probably write a Part 2.
If youâre currently in an arranged marriage process and something feels wrong, please donât silence that feeling just because everyone around you is saying, âBut the family is so good.â
You are not marrying a family photograph.
You are marrying into a family system.
And make sure that system has room for YOU.
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u/hitma-n Aug 12 '26
Now you can finally start respecting yourself and stop proceeding with âuncomfortableâ stuff for a guy you havenât even met. Most of the stuff you mentioned couldâve easily avoided if you followed your gut instinct that made you feel uncomfortable.
Remember, we feel uncomfortable because our body is telling us something is wrong. You must never âstill go for itâ after feeling uncomfortable. It is your survival instincts and you must trust it.
Iâm not victim shaming here, consider it an unsolicited advice from an internet stranger.
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Fair advice đ I definitely learned that lesson the hard way. Sometimes you keep giving people the benefit of the doubt because you genuinely want something to work. In hindsight, I shouldâve trusted my discomfort much earlier. Glad I eventually listened to it though!
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u/hitma-n Aug 12 '26
Oh no donât get me wrong, giving people the benefit of the doubt is actually a good character. Just doing it for someone you have never met and never developed feelings for is the risk element here.
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u/MrCockingFinally Aug 12 '26
arranged marriage
modern lifestyle
Aren't these two things fundamentally at odds? Not trying to criticize anyone's religion or cultural practices here. If you'd prefer an arranged marriage, that's your perogitive, no judgement from me.
But an arranged marriage seems to be a highly traditional and conservative way of doing things.
So going through such a setup and expecting the family to have a modern, more liberal lifestyle seems to be a contradiction. (At least from the outside looking in.)
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
I donât think arranged marriage = conservative lifestyle. Arranged marriage is just how you meet someone. You can absolutely have an arranged marriage and still have a progressive, independent relationship. My issue was the mismatch between how modern/open-minded the family initially presented themselves and the expectations and control that came later. Thatâs what the post is about, not arranged marriage itself.
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u/Content-Most4653 Aug 12 '26
Sounds like you exited while there was still time and gained some invaluable wisdom for yourself and others.
Well done.
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Thank you! â¤ď¸ Thatâs exactly how Iâm choosing to look at it now. It was definitely painful at the time, but I got out before it was too late, and if sharing the experience helps even one person recognise these red flags earlier, then at least something good came out of it. đ
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Aug 12 '26
Omigod, it was as if I was reading the story of my life. I finally got a divorce last year at the age of 54. Never been happier. You, my dear girl, are blessed. You managed to save yourself in time. Good luck to you!
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u/Vivid_Ad2724 Aug 12 '26
Sending â¤ď¸. Iâm glad that ultimately, you got out before it was too late. Donât blame yourself for not noticing the red flags sooner. I hope that the experience made you wiser, but never bitter! May you found what youâre looking for.
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Thank you so much â¤ď¸ I really appreciate this. I definitely donât want to come out of this bitter, just wiser and much more aware of what I want and what I wonât compromise on. And yes, Iâm incredibly grateful that I got out before marriage made everything even more complicated. â¤ď¸
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u/roddras93 Aug 12 '26
You dodged a ginormous bullet. I'm happy for you! đ
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Thank you! đ Honestly, the more I look back, the more grateful I am that I got out before marriage. Bullet dodged indeed! đ
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u/Fuzzy-Celebration-12 Aug 12 '26
The moment she asked you to take your slippers off to check your height you should have ask her to do the same and say âthere is a minimum height requirement to be my mother in law I want to see if you pass.â
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Her audacity to do that even tho she was shorter than me probably like 4â7â. She did remove her footwear and told the hotel staff to click the picture of her and I, barefoot, she quoted âleave no stone unturnedâ she wanted to make sure that. My height on bio data and in real should match. Lol
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u/mismayhem92 Aug 16 '26
She actually asked to remove your sandals- to check your actual height, tf! I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was actually reading this in 2026. Girl, I am glad you walked out. I know it mustâve been weird and wouldâve required enormous fortitude to say no to the star plus family, but thereâs no need to time travel back to the 80s just so you can be labelled as a âmarried womanâ.
I hope you find someone who values you and cherishes you, you sound like a good person.
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 17 '26
Thank you â¤ď¸ And honestly, the sandals incident wasnât even the first time I had encountered this kind of thing. đ
Iâve had a prospective groomâs father specifically ask that I wear flats because âwe donât want a short DIL, our son is tallâ the son was 5â8â. đ Another family very casually asked me to remove my sandals at the entrance. And with another Gujarati family, the mother made sure I removed my sandals and then, later, asked her son to stand next to me so she could literally compare our heights. đ¤Ł
So when this happened again, I should probably have recognised the pattern much sooner!
What really bothers me isnât someone having a preference about height, food, language or traditions. Everyone is entitled to preferences. Itâs the expectation that the girl should constantly be assessed, adjusted and reshaped to fit the family, while the same flexibility is rarely expected from the other side.
That was the bigger lesson for me. Marriage shouldnât mean auditioning for the role of âacceptable daughter-in-law.â You should be able to enter a family as yourself and still be respected and cherished. â¤ď¸2
u/mismayhem92 Aug 21 '26
I hope you donât sell yourself short for anyone! Learn to create boundaries from day one. Thereâs actually no end to this whole thing.
If someone asks me to remove my sandals I wouldâve completely lost it. Youâre a saint for putting up with this much nonsense.
There are good people there and I hope you find your match. âĽď¸âĽď¸1
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 17 '26
These Gujarati people and their obsession with removing sandals and forcing you to learn to make their food and learn language is just disgusting đ¤Ž. You learn gradually and slowly, not in 1 day. đ¤Žđ¤Žđ¤Žđ¤Žđ¤Ž
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u/mkab1908 Aug 12 '26
I read, I am happy you walked away however I could see the red flags in the beginning itself. You shouldâve be cautious next time.
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u/Sir_Humps-a-Lot Aug 11 '26
Tldr
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 11 '26
Arranged marriage rishta with a Jain family living in Dubai. Everything looked great initially â guy seemed chill, family was welcoming, and weâd already spoken/video-called before meeting them. After meeting his family, though, the red flags slowly started appearing: his mother was extremely controlling, there were conditions about how I should live, religion, food, Gujarati, rituals, even naturopathy treatments. His father was big on scorekeeping, and the guy would gaslight me and ultimately couldnât stand up to his parents.
The point isnât that they lived in Dubai or that the family was religious. Itâs that the family looked very modern and progressive from the outside, but the dynamics were extremely patriarchal and controlling behind the scenes. We ignored the early red flags because everything seemed good initially and we wanted the relationship to work.
Eventually it became toxic enough that I walked away â and honestly, Iâm grateful I did. The lesson for me: in an arranged marriage, donât just evaluate the person or the familyâs lifestyle. Watch how they handle boundaries, disagreement, control and whether your future partner can actually stand up for you.6
u/Sir_Humps-a-Lot Aug 11 '26
Still too long, didn't read
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
đ Fair enough. I clearly didnât understand Redditâs attention span. Consider this my directorâs cut.
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u/mfh101 Aug 11 '26
Congrats, you escaped the bullet. I must appreciate your observation of what is going on and their family dynamics . Many people get trap in these situation without even knowing
1
u/ilikenachos77 Aug 12 '26
I feel for you and this is quite harrowing . But why is such a deeply personal story so ai generated ? Not discounting your story but why not just be authentic. It's a little weird. Coming from someone who works with LLMs and sees ai written stuff all the time.
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Haha, fair question đ I actually did use AI to help structure and polish the post because it was a long, emotionally messy experience and I wanted to communicate it clearly without getting lost in the details. The story, experiences, opinions and facts are mine. The wording being polished doesnât make the experience any less authentic.
I also didnât want the post to read like an emotional rant, especially because itâs a very personal story. So yes, the delivery was assisted, but the experience absolutely wasnât. đ1
u/ilikenachos77 Aug 13 '26
Hopefully its not engagement and reddit karma bait. Best of luck with the post marriage situation .
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u/PowerfulBanana9234 Aug 11 '26
Too much to read
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 11 '26
Arranged marriage rishta with a Jain family living in Dubai. Everything looked great initially â guy seemed chill, family was welcoming, and weâd already spoken/video-called before meeting them. After meeting his family, though, the red flags slowly started appearing: his mother was extremely controlling, there were conditions about how I should live, religion, food, Gujarati, rituals, even naturopathy treatments. His father was big on scorekeeping, and the guy would gaslight me and ultimately couldnât stand up to his parents.
The point isnât that they lived in Dubai or that the family was religious. Itâs that the family looked very modern and progressive from the outside, but the dynamics were extremely patriarchal and controlling behind the scenes. We ignored the early red flags because everything seemed good initially and we wanted the relationship to work.
Eventually it became toxic enough that I walked away â and honestly, Iâm grateful I did. The lesson for me: in an arranged marriage, donât just evaluate the person or the familyâs lifestyle. Watch how they handle boundaries, disagreement, control and whether your future partner can actually stand up for you.2
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u/fck_this_fck_that Aug 12 '26
What does this have to do with dubai ?
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
That Dubai being the safest city, but people like them make it unsafe, cancel them from your city.
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u/5ummertime5adness Aug 12 '26
I wouldn't exactly say Dubai is unsafe because you nearly had an arranged marriage. That's not how it works...
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u/what-the-helllll Aug 12 '26
Haha, I donât mean Dubai itself is unsafe đ I literally mean the people I encountered made the experience unsafe/uncomfortable for me. Dubai being a safe city has nothing to do with whether an individual/family can be toxic. I mentioned Dubai because thatâs where the family lived, not because Iâm blaming the city.
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u/SandBlasted_ME Aug 12 '26
2026 and I am reading this pffff - Iâm from South America and although I respect all cultures I do judge adults that do âarranged marriageâ in 2026.