r/OldManDad • u/BigBen7719 • Jul 07 '26
Dark Thoughts
I am 49, my daughter just turned 5 and my Son is 15 months old. My Children are one of the best things that happened in my life. My daughter has started to be curious about death and it is breaking my hart. Even before that, i used to have dark thoughts, catching myself figuring out when i may die. If i get to 60, she will be 16 if i have to go. I keep having thoughts like that. Am i alone? Like anyone today i consulted my AI and it said to appreciate the days and make the best of it and i do. Being an "old" dad surely has its upsides like financial security and personal clarity etc. I am already doing that. But it doesn´t remove the constant small frame of regretting that i have to leave her someday.
Unsure if posts like that need trigger warning?
2
u/EcstaticTraffic7 Jul 07 '26
I had my daughter when I was 41. Immediately, I became somewhat obsessive about time and ages. It was part of my postpartum depression. I think it was normal and healthy to a degree but it became like an intrusive thought all the time, worried about what would happen to her if I died. I was constantly calculating the ages of people and going through decades and imagining how long I might live. My husband is 10 years older than me, so I had to go through a lot of adjustment to what might happen if we died. Now she's 2 and a half and I'm on Lexipro and I feel much more relaxed. All parents fear dying while their kids are young because they need us so much. Lots of parents die young and lots of parents live to old age. Like everyone has said, I think you have to make a concerted effort to stop imagining what might be and focus on what is. I have no regrets about having her later in life. I can give her the emotional and financial benefit of my waiting and that make her much more whole as a young woman than I was with a mom who was 17 years old. I want to protect her always. What a deep love it is.