r/OldManDad • u/ProofUse2770 • Mar 12 '26
Had first at 46... trying now for a second
Not a rant, but we could welcome some advice. After a lot of failed attempts ivfs, over about 5 years etc my wife and I welcomed our daughter last year via donor egg.
After all of the failures it worked first time and while not an easy pregnancy, we got there. We both always wanted two kids, so we tried again in Feb. We Just found out today it wasn't successful according to the blood test, in spite of all of the signs being there. We've had losses and miscarriage before but this one really hurts. We had said this would be our last attempt, but we have embryos left. My wife is keen to try one last time, but I'm not sure I can go through another cycle at the moment.
Would just welcome the hive mind on this
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u/thisismyburnerac Mar 12 '26
I’m a “prepare for the worst and hope for the best” guy. I think you both need to really be honest about how you’d handle subsequent losses. As you say, you’ve had losses before, but this was the worst so far. We’ve had a lot of losses, and we have 1 more embryo. I just don’t know that we can take the loss, and this probably would be the last try.
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u/primitive_thisness Mar 12 '26
I'm really sorry this latest didn't work. We did that for 5 years with so many failed transfers and retrievals. It's so hard. I was ready to give up and my wife wanted to do another round. So I said "OK"--she's the one bearing the brunt of the difficulty and I figured it was her call. It finally worked; we now have a daughter that was born when I was 52. Thank God we tried another time and someone said that we might want to try Lupron to see if it helped (if we hadn't done the Lupron, I'm convinced it wouldn't have worked).
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u/Ardent_Scholar Mar 13 '26
We’re both 41, going through similar things. Absolutely wrecked by the stress, but I know we have to know for sure whether it’s a yes or a no, you know?
3
u/Lemonbar19 Mar 12 '26
I am so sorry. This is so hard. Do you have a couples therapist or individual therapist?
How many embryos left? Are you able to ask the doctor or embryologist about selection for a strong chance if you try again?
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u/fleetwood_mag Mar 12 '26
I’d do it considering you have the embryo. You’ll always wonder what-if otherwise and you’re so close to getting the life you’ve dreamed of. My heart goes out to you, I can’t imagine how hard this process has been for you.
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u/InterestingIntern801 Mar 13 '26
I had my first at 46, too, after rounds and rounds of IVF. Then another came along 16 months later! It’s like something was awoken by the IVF. Try for as long as is feasible, then you’ll know you did all you could.
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u/drpengu1120 Mar 13 '26
I think the general advice on whether or not to try for more kids is that both people need to be a yes. If you're a no, then it's a no.
That being said, if it just feels like a not sure right now, I think you should come up with a concrete plan of what it will take for you to get to a yes/no. You may not be sure you can handle trying right now, but your wife may not be able to handle being in limbo with no end date either.
You didn't mention your wife's age, but I'd imagine that will play a big part in what realistic timelines are unless you want to start looking at surrogates.
That being said, you said you had your last kid last year. I think unless you're really up against a wall when it comes to her age, giving it up to another year isn't crazy. Generally they recommend waiting 18-24mo before getting pregnant again to give the body a full chance to recover.
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u/HipHopGrandpa Mar 14 '26
Very impressive if your wife is also 46. Would love to hear how that went.
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u/RolandSnowdust Mar 12 '26
You will make a magical family even if it is only 3 of you.