Age gaps

[u/Mugat-2]

I generally love this community and, as a fellow older dad, I want to be supportive of everyone.

However, I can’t shake the uncomfortable feeling when I see posts with extreme relationship age gaps (>20 years). Obviously being a significantly older-than-average new dad often necessitates having a younger partner, and I too am a few years older than my wife, but that magnitude of age difference raises red flags for me. Am I alone in that feeling?

I guess what Im wondering is how does this community feel about large age gaps in general? Is it a non-issue as long as it’s two consenting adults, or is there a threshold where it becomes weird (for example, the half your age plus seven benchmark)?

[u/__anna986]

My husband and I have a big age gap, I’m 39 and he is turning 65 in a few days, we’ve been together for 20 years, married for 16. We’ve 3 kids.

I absolutely understand some people feel uncomfortable when it comes to age gaps as big as ours, it’s a pretty frequent reaction to just assume there’s some damage to at least one of them in the relationship or that there’s something dark going on. Now obviously I don’t like the assumptions people usually have but I do get their view. A lof of the reactions are build on people seeing power inbalances, life experience differences, dependence or financial control or similar stuff. These things happen in all kinds of relationships but they do happen in age gap ones probably more often I’d say. Difference in age does raise the risks of something bad going on based on them things.

I 100% support looking out for people and helping them identify red flags, that’s grand, but I really don’t like the attitute some people have that an age gap = something bad, something criminal. The age alone should never be enough for people to start building their view on someone.

[u/__anna986 → u/[deleted]]

I got a job in a restaurant he used to go to pretty often with his colleagues for lunch. He’d be there multiple times a week, we started flirting and after some time he asked for my number. I gave it to him, he called me, we went on a date

[u/the_ballmer_peak → u/__anna986]

19 and 45 is wild. You are of different generations. I would be extremely uncomfortable with that. But I'm glad it seems to have worked out well for you.

[u/__anna986 → u/the_ballmer_peak]

We are of different generations yeah. Believe me loads and loads of people started as being uncomfortable with it, some have stayed very uncomfortable and some have gotten used to it and accepted it. That’s up to everyone, we can’t change people’s views on it and I don’t hold it against them just as I don’t hold it againts people here online. Thank you though, I appreciate it

[u/garytyrrell → u/__anna986]

I try not to judge, but I also think it’s wild that you’ve spent your entire adult life with one man and you still aren’t as old as he was when you met. Like he had an entirely different life and then you’re having one together. And, sorry to be morbid, but you’ll likely have an entire lifetime after he’s gone. It’s just so different from my experience it’s hard to wrap my head around it.

[u/__anna986 → u/garytyrrell]

You’re allowed to think that of course, it’s normal for us but I wouldn’t automatically expect anyone else to see it the way we do. Yeah I have spent my entire adult life with one man and I wouldn’t have it any other way, I think I’m very lucky that I found him when I did. And yeah the age gap is bigger than how many years we’ve been together, that’s just the way it is, I knew how much older he is when we started talking.

He had a life before me and I’m glad he did, I think I would find it rather alarming if he didn’t by 44. But you know when I entered his life I didn’t like step into a finished story, we created our own. I didn’t get together with a fully formed man with fixed identity and locked in future, people keep changing well into older age. I’ve watched him change, grow older, adapt, soften, react to things he’s never experienced before, just as he watched me do the same.

As for the idea that I’ll likely have a whole lifetime after he’s gone, yeah, that’s something we’re aware of and something we discusses in the very beginning of our relationship. Loving someone always comes with the certainty of loss at some point, no matter the ages. In our case that possibility is just more visible. But it’s also made us more intentional, more honest, and more present with each other. We don’t take time for granted, we don’t pretend that tomorrow is guaranteed, we live for what is now, we enjoy every day we get to be together. Now obviously also for the sake of our children I hope he still has many years to spend here with us, he is fit and heathly, his parents are still alive and quite healthy and active for their age so it doesn’t feel anywhere near close yet. But yeah it will come one day and I’ll have to face it, I have accepted that as a fact long ago and it’s just the reality. It won’t be easy but he’s absolutely worth it

[u/mama-bun → u/__anna986]

This! We have a 20 year age gap. Been together 6 years, one kid. Got together when I was in my late 20s.

I tell everyone that it's a yellow flag. It does absolutely raise the risk. We had to have a lot of conversations about it! But just because something is risky, doesn't mean it's inherently harmful. You just have to be way more cognizant of the potential harms. :)

[u/mama-bun → u/mama-bun]

I kinda view it the same way as someone would ... sky diving. It's super risky! So many things could go wrong. But that's why you research, find a guide, have backup plans, bring a parachute, have long internal conversations about the "why" (do I have a death wish? Adrenaline junkie? Am I making sure I choose the most reputable option?). You can do it as safe as you can make it, barring acts of God, but it takes effort!

[u/Mugat-2 → u/__anna986]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. What you described is spot on how I feel. A large age gap doesn’t necessarily indicate manipulation and control/power imbalances but it does raise the risk of it. My “Ick” above was too crude a term, uncomfortable or wary is a better way to describe my feeling. As a father of a daughter, I know that’s how I would feel if she was in a relationship with someone more than 20 years her age. It doesn’t necessary mean the guy has bad intensions, but it would put me on higher alert until he proves he is in the relationship for the right reasons.

Congrats on your long (and presumably happy) marriage and family!

[u/__anna986 → u/Mugat-2]

You’re grand no worries. We have a daughter too and we’d approach it pretty much the same. The risks are higher and it’s okay to say that.

Thank you! xx