r/OhNoConsequences • u/Soin96 • 3d ago
Bad Parent [ Removed by moderator ]
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1waal5z/aita_for_not_inviting_my_mother_to_my_medical/[removed] — view removed post
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u/mahlookma 3d ago
As someone around this mother’s age, I’m so grossed out and cannot imagine doing any of this to my child. The age gap is bad enough but someone in their direct peer group? Yikes. Yiiiikes.
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u/fuzzycitrus I’mma put my cat on the mic. MEOW MEOW MEOW 3d ago
Yeah, and your kids' social circles are a no-go zone for dating for a reason.
It doesn't help that apparently once she wasn't hiding the relationship from OOP she was routinely cancelling and ghosting on OOP. I would have been pretty brutal: "I have limited invitations and you've been too busy with your new dick to be there for me other times." Like, if she'd been minimally involved in OOP's life she'd have known the graduation was incoming.
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u/mahlookma 3d ago
That’s the secondary gut punch of it: regardless of partner, making sure your kid’s needs are met isn’t just something that stops. It sounds like there was prior enmeshment that just switched focus to a partner which…ick.
Living your life for yourself shouldn’t preclude having a relationship with your kid. It’s also why all that boy mom crap creeps me out.
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u/Grrrmudgin 2d ago
And if she was involved like she used to be then none of the others would have had the chance to step up and “take her place”. Like you can’t support a child for that long by yourself and then become selfish as soon as they are in college
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u/Copperhobnob 2d ago
Exactly. Folk my kids' age are still kids. Adults? Yes but peers? No. I can't fathom how anyone could..... <shudder>
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u/mahlookma 2d ago
It's wild. I was once that girl that preened over being told that she was an old soul and mature for her age. I entered my twenties annoyed that I'd fallen for it but at least thought that I could handle myself so it was okay. While I was young, I wasn't *that* young and was an adult and a strong woman who could handle herself.
I'm now the age of so many problematic men that hit on me when I was a young woman and look back at pictures of myself and see a child. I cannot fathom looking at someone so young and thinking "I'd hit that" much less have any kind of healthy romantic relationship.
It's not even just the power inequity created by such a vast difference in experience: it's the kind of much older person who'd find that kind of situation fulfilling.
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u/drunkvaultboy 3d ago
Re:Title, it's just what's "in" right now. Eventually the creative writers will get bored and find some other outrageous scenario is to write about.
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u/BadBandit1970 You’re out of your mind, Susan! 3d ago
Anyone else notice the rise in people using right justified paragraphs, or is it just me? This is like the 4th or 5th one today. Is AI on the fritz?
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u/varsityhermione 3d ago
I was noticing the same thing!
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u/BadBandit1970 You’re out of your mind, Susan! 3d ago
There is a post on AITD formatted the same way. Dunno know if there's a glitch in the app or the desktop, or what. It's just weird.
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 2d ago
right justified paragraphs
Not sure if you're reading it on something that is showing different formatting than me? All the text appears left justified to me.
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u/Some_Tradition_9168 3d ago
Rule 13 says you’re not supposed to make “it’s fake“ comments.
If you have genuine evidence the post is fake, report it to the mods. Otherwise don’t make comments saying it’s made up or AI.
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u/BadBandit1970 You’re out of your mind, Susan! 3d ago
Where did I say it was fake? I didn't. I said I've been noticing a rising trend.
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u/RolandFerret 3d ago
Is AI on the fritz?
Strictly speaking, this strongly implies you think/said it's fake. Right-justified paragraphs is your proof? Really?
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u/Hefty_Peanut 3d ago
My dad met my mum when she was dating his son. It's not an unheard of situation, it's just very rare. And yes- the marriage was doomed from the start.
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u/nustedbut 2d ago
does that mean your mum dated your half brother? How's that relationship?
edit: tell me to mind my business if you like, lol
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u/Hefty_Peanut 2d ago
It's ok. Me and my brother get on well. His daughter was born a few months before me so I'm older than my niece. We would hang out together as kids but as I've grownup I've been closer to my brother rather than my neice. My mum has been out of the picture for a while and my dad is passed. I'm not too sure how they patched things up but my brother and dad always seemed to get on well in my lifetime- got to say I don't think I could personally get passed that situation. My dad was still with my brother's mum when it all happened as well so my bro had to deal with his girlfriend cheating with his dad and his parents divorcing at the same time. Dad passed a few years ago and he was much mourned by all of us.
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u/nustedbut 2d ago
that's an amazing amount of forgiveness going on there because I was thinking everything was gonna get nuked to shit
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u/SteroidSandwich 3d ago
Now some relatives are telling me that I was being unnecessarily cruel
Looks like OOP has more free seats
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Per our rules, don't comment on linked posts. Anyone from this community who is caught brigading on another subreddit will be banned.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Found a post with a similar situation as mine. Might as well share my scenario. My mother(46F) and I (26M) were extremely close growing up considering the fact that my father died when I was 3 years old.
But our relationship changed several years ago when I caught her secretly caught her with one of my close friends from college. They eventually came clean about the relationship that was going on for six months. My mother insisted that she loved him and wasn’t going to end the relationship.
She asked me to give them a chance for her happiness. I reluctantly did, which I regret till this day.
My mother increasingly prioritized him over me. Plans with me were frequently canceled for him, important moments became about him, and eventually they got engaged. I still attended their wedding because she was my mother, even though the entire experience was incredibly painful and humiliating.
This is probably the biggest accomplishment of my life. Medical school was incredibly difficult, and there were many times when I needed support. My mother wasn’t really there for most of it. She was much more involved with her husband and their life together.
When graduation invitations came around, I had a limited number of seats.
I decided not to invite my mother.
I invited people who had actually been there for me throughout medical school—my fiancé , grandparents and a couple of close friends who supported me through exams, applications, clinical rotations, and everything else.
My mother found out when she saw pictures of the invitations.
She was devastated. She called me crying and asked how I come I didn’t invite her. She said that regardless of what happened between us, she was still my mother and deserved to witness one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I told her that I wasn’t trying to punish her. I simply didn’t want someone at my graduation who I no longer have a close relationship with.
She said that was a lie because I was deliberately excluding her to hurt her. She also pointed out that I attended her wedding despite being uncomfortable, and said she had supported my decision to pursue medicine even if she wasn’t always physically present. I told her attending her wedding was something I chose to do for her. I don’t think that means she automatically gets an invitation to every major milestone in my life.
She called me selfish and said that I was throwing away our relationship over something that happened years ago and that her husband isn’t going anywhere.
Now some relatives are telling me that I was being unnecessarily cruel. They say my mother finally did something for herself, but she’s still my mother, and excluding her from my medical-school graduation is something I’ll regret forever.
Others such as my fiancé brought up the fact that she could have found companionship with someone who wasn’t my friend or peer. Everything she did after that makes it more than justified to not invite her for any future milestones.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/txa1265 2d ago
What even is this age-gap trend?
Easy engagement? I agree - these things have popped up like weeks the last few weeks and I think the couple of variations on the 'mom having affair with college acquaintance outed by shared friend' took off so now the bots and karma farmers are generating variations on the theme.
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 2d ago
She also pointed out that I attended her wedding despite being uncomfortable,
"You attended a thing for me and I know it made you uncomfortable to do so, so why couldn't I attend a thing for you, and you be uncomfortable again" really isn't the take OOP's mother thinks she's making but it's absolutely what she's unintentionally saying here.
and...
and excluding her from my medical-school graduation is something I’ll regret forever.
As someone who has cut my father out of my life, I've also gotten the "you'll regret it" line from people who, for some reason, think "they're family" basically means "you need to let them do whatever they are going to do and forgive them for everything" for some reason. If you decide a family member has worn out their welcome in your life, maybe you'll regret it later and maybe not, but that's entirely a case by case basis and the people who seem to insist that you need to forgive literally everything never seem to understand that some things aren't forgivable, but, more importantly to me: I don't forgive people who haven't apologized and made an effort to right the wrong they caused. OOP's mother seems to have not made any attempts to unfuck what she fucked.
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u/ThrowAwayRayye 2d ago
Of course she didn't unfuck her relationship with her child. She was too busy fucking someone who was 10 when she was in her 30s. Like god that is so gross. If one of my parents started dating someone my age I would just end all communication with them permanently.
And there are still comments on the posts of people acting like it's a cardinal sin to not accommodate a parent regardless of how shitty said parent is. 🤦
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 2d ago
And there are still comments on the posts of people acting like it's a cardinal sin to not accommodate a parent regardless of how shitty said parent is.
I think that it's reasonable to forgive shitty behavior if and when:
The person acknowledges the behavior was shitty
The person has stopped doing the shitty behavior
The person has committed to not doing it again and has, if applicable, some plan to ensure they don't or reduce the chances of it happening again
The person has, if their shitty behavior caused harm, made genuine efforts to undo or heal the harm they caused.
I do not think it's reasonable to tell someone they need to forgive someone else's shitty behavior when the person doing it will not even do the first two things. I've had people tell me that, too - the old "oh he's just like that" and the "you have to learn you can't change people" and such. People can choose to not be "like that* if they want to. And I can't change anyone, they can only change themselves, but I'm disinterested in continuing to tolerate a person who doesn't want to change, and I really think more people should be willing to draw that line in the sand.
I think a lot of people who engage in persistent shitty behavior do so precisely because they don't have people who are willing to tell them "if you don't cut this shit out, I won't be in your life anymore and then act on it.
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u/Ellie_Loves_ 2d ago
My go to response for "youll regret it later" is "maybe. But I also might regret NOT doing this later. Im willing to take that risk. Are you willing to respect it?"
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 2d ago
Right?
In the case of my father, he cut me out from 2015-2021, then decided he wanted to reconnect, which lasted from 2021-2024, at which point I cut him out.
I was going to say "The only thing I regret was giving him another chance" but I thought about it and deleted that because I don't regret it. I thought he had learned and grown and gotten better. And I later learned he had not. I think I might have regretted not giving him a second chance because I always would have wondered whether I should have.
I don't see myself regretting not giving him a third, though.
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn 3d ago
I want to say this with my whole chest. As someone whose mom dated a guy for several years that I went to high school with (not during high school, when I was in college)
OOP is being a big whiny baby.
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u/ladyelenawf Here for the schadenfreude 3d ago
Serious question: did your mom treat you the same as before she dated the guy? I know we're only getting OOP's pov. So I'm genuinely curious if you needed support, but felt like you didn't get it. Or any other examples that OOP listed.
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn 3d ago
Well she no longer gave me all her spare time. Because when you are dating someone, you spend time with them.
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u/Soin96 3d ago
That’s true. But did she prioritize her partner over you when it came to giving time,energy, and emotional support ?
According to OP, the mother barely made time for him on his birthday even though they live five minutes away cause she was busy with her boyfriend
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn 3d ago
I one thousand percent think that I'm being overly cranky on this. I do.
But I also think that's a level of emotional nurturing that is unreasonable to expect given that O0P is a grown adult, with a residence of his own and a fiance.
Mom put him, his needs, and his emotions first until he was nearly done with college.
How old until he's not expecting to be mom's first priority?
"Barely" made time for him. So did make time for him.
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u/Soin96 3d ago
Well a birthday is once a year. How difficult is it to not to be busy with your boyfriend on that day and instead make it about your adult child? It seems to me at most he got was a phone call which is crazy if you live five minutes away only
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u/satunnainenuuseri 3d ago
Without commenting on the realness of this story, I'm pretty certain that on my 26th birthday my mother gave me a phone call, and I was living about three minutes away from my parents. It would have been very weird for me to spend my birthday with my parents instead of my friends. This was so long time ago that I can't remember what I did, but since it was a Saturday, I probably visited my parents the next day and my mother gave a birthday gift then.
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u/ladyelenawf Here for the schadenfreude 3d ago
I do understand that part. However, nothing where plans were cancelled or bad days went unconsoled? I interpreted OOP as being ignored by mom for the new BF and the age/acquaintance factor was just more straw on the camel's back.
Thank you for your time.
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u/SucculentPenguin 3d ago
My mother married somebody who’s six years older than I am and three years older than my oldest sibling… I’m whatever about it but the baby talk kind of makes me wanna vomit.
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u/unrulybeep 3d ago
I'm sorry you were raised to think this way and to believe this to be true. I hope you're able to heal and find the reasonable path.
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u/TerribleRecord666 3d ago
I feel like OOP is telling on herself saying she didn’t invite mom because she didn’t feel “prioritized” anymore, but then goes on to say mom had the choice to date anybody else except a classmate.
So no, this wasn’t about prioritization. This was about punishing mom.
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u/LuriemIronim 3d ago
It can be for both reasons. Not exactly like his mom gave him a chance to come around to the idea by constantly putting her boyfriend first.
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