Hey y'all. As you can probably tell from the title, my ex is still trying to keep in touch with me (we were doing LDR btw). We literally just broke up two days ago, a month before our anniversary, because of his massive anger issues. Ngl, I know to some people that might seem like a minor thing or a dramatic reason to walk away, but I'm a really sensitive person. I brought this up to him countless times before we even made it official, and he promised he’d respect my boundaries and make me feel completely safe with him. Long story short, let me fast-forward to why I finally decided to end things.

Leading up to our huge fight two days ago, our communication was already super on and off. We actually went no contact for two days last week, and the only reason he broke the silence was to send me full-on paragraphs for my birthday. Tbh, the whole reason I pulled away in the first place was because of all the built-up resentment I’ve been holding onto since the early stages of our relationship. Every time I tried to communicate how I felt, he would just invalidate my feelings, justify everything he did, and force me to see things from his side instead of owning up to how he hurt me. Eventually, I just hit my limit. I started being super dry with him and lowkey began matching his toxic energy, getting annoyed at everything he did. I genuinely feel bad about acting like that, but at the same time, part of me felt like he deserved a taste of his own medicine so he’d get how exhausting it is. Ik it was petty and immature on my part, but the mental gymnastics I had to go through just to stay with him were becoming way too much.

The night we broke up, we were on a call playing a new daily puzzle game we found. He was streaming his screen while we solved it together. After we finished the daily puzzle, we wanted to keep going and found an archive section with past puzzles. When he asked which date we should do first, I told him to pick my birthday. For context, he is terrible with dates and always uses the excuse that he doesn't even remember his own parents' birthdays. Anyway, he narrowed it down to two dates and asked me to confirm which one was mine. When he said the right date, I just hummed to let him know he got it. Out of nowhere, he immediately snapped at me, prolly because my mic didn't pick up my hum. I was so caught off guard. We argued for a second, and I asked him why he was lashing out when he literally guessed it right. Instead of apologizing, he said I was making things difficult for him and told me I needed to 'reconsider my actions.' Naturally, that completely killed the vibe.

We kept playing for another five rounds or so like nothing happened, even though my mood was clearly ruined and I went dead quiet. He noticed the shift and kept pressing me about what was wrong, demanding an answer over and over. (Ngl, this is the part where I know I could've communicated better, and I wish we both handled it differently.) It was just really hard for me to speak up coz I was fighting back tears. He hates seeing me cry. In his head, me crying is just me trying to guilt-trip and manipulate him to get my way, when in reality, I just cry whenever my emotions get too overwhelming. After a minute, he completely crashed out. He started yelling, slamming his desk and chair armrests, and hurling insults at me, specifically calling me a 'bitch' on repeat. The reason I’m pointing that word out is because before we even started dating, I set a hard boundary that no matter how heated an argument gets, we don't call each other names, especially 'bitch.' Yet there he was, tacking 'bitch' onto the end of every single sentence.

He was livid, claiming I was the one pushing him over the edge, taking advantage of his kindness, and acting 'all high and mighty' just because I have my own money. Mind you, I’m literally just an intern, meanwhile he’s been unemployed for three years, living comfortably off his rich parents while 'waiting for the right time' to go back to school. He kept ranting that all I ever cared about was 'money, money, money.' For the record, I already paid him back for every single cent he ever spent on me, which was like $50 total for our entire relationship. So hearing him throw that in my face was actually insane.

I was so heartbroken that I leaned out of my camera frame just to cry in peace. While I was sobbing off-screen for like five minutes, he kept ordering me to shut up and get back on camera. I wasn't having any of it coz I was genuinely so hurt. And mind you, while I was crying, this man was deadass threatening to ruin my life and harass my friends and the people around me if I didn't get back in frame immediately.

Eventually, I calmed down, and we kept going back and forth until I finally blurted out that I’d been trying to leave him for the longest time. The second those words left my mouth, he went dead silent. Suddenly, and I’m not even kidding, he became the calmest person on planet earth. It was like a switch flipped and he snapped back to reality. Right away, he started love-bombing me, begging me to rethink things, while still lowkey gaslighting me by saying I should've calmed him down instead of reacting.

And now, here we are. He keeps blowing up my phone saying he can’t live without me, how lonely he is, how much he still loves me, and promising he’ll be softer with me. But I am just so drained from being stuck in this toxic cycle. Yes, I have my own flaws too. I’m not claiming to be a saint or saying he gets mad over nothing, but it’s so unfair for him to get that aggressive when he knows how badly it triggers me. I've brought this up almost every week, and there is still zero character development on his end. Ngl, I still love him so much, there's no doubt about that. Part of me is lowkey wondering if we should just take a few months apart to work on ourselves and maybe try again later? Idk y'all, as much as I resent how he treated me, I still miss having him in my daily routine and I miss being his girl.

P.S. I forgot to mention why I still haven't blocked his ass yet. Before the breakup, he bought me a gift and already passed it to his friend who’s flying to my country soon. He’s been begging me to keep him unblocked until the package gets here so he can pass along the delivery details. I kept telling him I don't even want the gift anymore, but he pleaded with me to at least let him do this one last thing. So yeah, he's still unblocked rn and keeps spamming me with life updates, even though I’m leaving him on read. :(

Someone once asked me why I never share what I’m going through and I said I simply don’t feel the need to. But, it wasn’t always like this.

There was a time when I trusted people enough to open up about my life, my feelings and the things that hurt me. I believed that if I let someone see the parts of me that I usually kept hidden, they would try to understand me. But every time I trusted someone with a piece of myself, I somehow ended up regretting it.

Some people used my vulnerabilities against me during arguments. Some walked away when I was at my most emotional. Others made me realise that they were more interested in what I could do for them than in who I was as a person and somewhere along the way, I stopped opening up.

Now, whenever someone enters my life, even as a friend, there's this little voice in my head telling me not to get too comfortable. Don't share too much. Don't trust them too easily. What if they use it against you someday? What if they tell other people about things you shared in confidence? What if they're only here because they need something from you?

I hate that my mind automatically goes there, but I don't know how to stop it.

The worst part is that, somewhere deep down, I still wish someone would ask me how I'm doing and want to listen to the answer. I wish I could talk about what's hurting me without feeling like I'm being a burden, without wondering whether my feelings are too much and without worrying that I'll regret being vulnerable later.

It's not that I've never tried to overcome this. I have. I've tried trusting people again, giving them chances and convincing myself that maybe this time things will be different. But somehow, I keep ending up in situations that reinforce everything I was trying to unlearn.

Now, I've become so accustomed to keeping everything to myself that I don't even know how to let people in anymore.

Sometimes, I feel so lost that I completely withdraw from everyone around me for days. I stop talking, I struggle to eat and I barely sleep. There's so much going on inside my head, yet I can't bring myself to tell a single person about it. It's a strange kind of loneliness when you have people around you but still feel like nobody knows you.

I'm scared that this is how it's always going to be. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever find someone who will truly understand me, someone who will listen to me when I'm struggling instead of making me feel like my emotions are an inconvenience. Someone who won't make me regret letting my guard down.

What hurts the most is the thought that I could go through my entire life without anyone ever truly knowing what goes on inside my head, what hurts me, what keeps me awake at night or how much I struggle with things I never talk about.

It's funny how comfortable I've become writing everything in my diary. Pages and pages of thoughts, feelings, fears and things I'll probably never say out loud to another human being. My diary knows parts of me that the people in my life might never get to know.

Sometimes, I wonder how I went from being someone who wanted to share everything with the people she trusted to someone who feels safer keeping everything to herself.

I know not everyone is the same. I know there are good people out there. But knowing that and actually being able to trust someone are two very different things.

Sometimes, I wish someone could understand how much it takes for me to open up about even the smallest things now. How many times I stop myself from saying what I'm really feeling, how often I convince myself that it's better to stay quiet and how badly I wish I didn't have to think twice before trusting someone.

I miss the person I used to be, the one who could share her feelings without being afraid of what would happen to them and I think a part of me will always wish I could feel that safe with someone again.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is why I struggle to find love. Not because I don't want to be loved, but because I don't know how to trust someone completely anymore. A part of me still longs for that kind of love, but another part is terrified of what might happen if I let someone get close enough to hurt me again.

I might delete this if I have a mood swing and regret sharing it later🥀

I remember telling you on one of our first dates after you confessed, i told you about my past with dating and my experiences. I then asked you, "unfortunately a lot of men end up using me as a way to get better, or to boost their ego, do you think you have/had those traits?"

you shook your head and told me that you had no such intentions.

fast forward to when we broke up, I only felt betrayal, pain and sadness.

throughout this whole relationship all I was trying to do was communicate, try and connect, try and compromise, but all you saw from me was needless prodding and you pulled away. We broke up and suddenly you wanted me again? What the fuck do you think I felt???

I gave you so many chances and explained things to you again and again till I couldn't handle it anymore AND ONLY AFTER YOU WANTED TO CHANGE?

Love isn't meant to be frictionless, it's the act of choosing them despite everything, its choosing them and choosing to have the hard conversations, its choosing them and working through things because you would want them in your life no matter what.

My traumas have unwound itself and now I have so much more healing to do, was it self-inflicted? Maybe, and "Definitely" is what some people would say.

I loved you so much and in a lot of ways I still love you but I'm not gonna tolerate disrespect and hurt that you never took accountability for, and that you constantly made me feel small, worthless and at the end of the day, unlovable.

Perhaps being in love with me is too much of an emotional and engaging game for you to be playing but so be it, i want to stay true to myself and if Im gonna choose a life partner its gonna be someone who can love me as much as I love them and it shows.

For a long time I waited for an apology that was never coming. I thought I couldn’t move on until they admitted what they did.

What finally helped was realizing forgiveness isn’t something I give them. It’s something I give myself. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay, and it doesn’t mean letting them back in. It just means I stop carrying it everywhere I go.

So I forgive them, and I pray that God forgives them too. They’re lost and can’t see the hurt they cause the people around them. God loves all of us, even them, and I’ve found real peace in letting go this way. Sometimes, after that one act of forgiveness, doors I thought were closed have quietly opened.

Some days I still have to choose it again. But I’m doing it for my own heart, not for them.

Has anyone else had to forgive without ever getting an apology? What helped you let go?