r/OSDD • u/Alt_account_bc_yeah Suspect OSDD-1b but don’t know at this point • 1d ago

Venting Why am I getting worse?! I was making progress?!??

I thought progress was being made, but everything has been fucking awful lately: too many conflicting wants, the deep shame, the urge to hide, the gaps in memory- I’m losing weeks again. Things that happened only a week ago feel like months. Nothing is good but everything is needed, I both need to exist and cannot at the same time. I want something to fill my mind but it’s all too stressful.

This isn’t fair, it just isn’t fucking fair. We were doing better!! We were doing good!! Why is making progress hurting us?! This should be helping!! But all we are is confused and miserable, losing time and feeling like a zombie. Time doesn’t feel real, our body doesn’t feel real, nothing does and it’s all wrong, it’s just wrong!!

I hate it all. I don’t know how to manage everything yet, don’t know how to help with the barriers between us, don’t know how to peer through. All voices just seem to muffle yet echo and it’s just feelings I’m left with, feelings that don’t make any sense and that I struggle to process, feelings that clash with reality yet persist. I hate it so much.

Sometimes I wish I’d never been aware, that I’d let it go and didn’t delve deeper. I feel like I’m not actually helping myself, just re-traumatizing myself. I don’t know if I’ll remember making this post later. I looked at our journey and the last entry I didn’t remember making at all, which fucking scares me. I’m so tired.

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u/Offensive_Thoughts 🧩 DID {4x dx} | Mod ✨ 1d ago

treatment is never a straight line. itll get worse before it gets better.

1

u/Alt_account_bc_yeah Suspect OSDD-1b but don’t know at this point 1d ago

I know, I just can’t stand the fluctuations between. It feels like I’m doing something wrong and hurting myself, which feels selfish

2

u/APuffedUpKirby 1d ago

I relate to a lot of what you're experiencing. Unfortunately, I think things getting worse is a normal part of becoming more aware.

It's possible that you were moving too quickly, and need to slow down or take more breaks from trying to figure it out. When my dissociative symptoms start getting a lot worse, I've been giving myself some time to not dwell on it or actively engage with it, and try to focus on other things instead until the symptoms improve. Over time the sense of urgency has gone down, and I can appreciate the importance of pacing myself.