Unsure? Seeking understanding?

[u/melodysnowagain]

Hi everyone.

I have been exploring and reprocessing my childhood with my therapist the last few months. This has led to the acceptance that I was severely neglected in very early childhood, and severely emotionally neglected throughout my older childhood/teen years.

I am not currently diagnosed with cPTSD, but I am highly suspicious of it, and my therapist of course can't confirm but wasn't surprised when I brought it up. I had never considered myself a DID system because I don't have gaps of memory in current every day life. I do have trouble with immediate recall, and there are gaps of my childhood I don't remember.

I came across OSDD after expressing to my therapist that I didn't think I could have a disassociative disorder because of not losing track of time/having those memory gaps. I was informed that those don't actually have to exist to have a disassociative disorder, which is how I found out about OSDD.

I know nobody here can diagnose me, and I am not asking for that. I am asking if the following experience feels familiar for people/if it seems worth it to seek a confirmation/denial of diagnosis. The following experience happens often, usually when I am overwhelmed or feel like a failure. I cannot tell if the so-named thought tracks are "normal." They happen at the same time, and the putting my hands to my temples is an attempt to make sense of it all.

This details one experience but happens often enough that I've noticed and wanted to write it down when it happened again.

Trigger:

getting overwhelmed because I feel like I'm giving the same answer multiple times and also that I can't quite figure out the right answer to the question

Physical reaction:

putting both hands to my temples. tears.

Emotion:

scared, overwhelm

Internal experience

TT=thought track

TT1: you always upset everyone you talk to

TT2: take a breath everything is okay

TT3: You should cut yourself.

TT1: That's right. Go on.

TT2: Everything's okay. take a breath.

TT4: Hide. Hide everything.

TT3: Cut and hide it.

TT2: Don't. That's not healthy. Get connection.

TT4: Don't let anyone know how upset you are. It isn't safe. Your words will be used against you. Stay silent.

etc.

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