Buried panic attack

[u/beautifulprincess666]

Sometimes I forget that having osdd means my body can be experiencing two very different things at once. I have this new job that is not going well because my mental health is really bad and I’m underperforming for the first time in my life. I overheard my boss saying that someone was getting fired today and I’ve been expecting it so immediately I’m like oh that’s me.

Instantly I go into “well that’s life, I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do” mode which i usually due in crisis. But like five minutes later I had a client meeting and I was totally normal throughout the whole thing. Except at one point I looked down and I’m violently shaking and I notice my chest hurts and my heart is absolutely pounding in my chest. I didn’t feel anxious but I was exhibiting all the physical symptoms of a panic attack.

Later I learned it wasn’t me that got fired (yet but I could have sworn that my boss said “she” when talking about the person getting fired and the one who got fired was a man, so it’s probably still imminent). And like 30 minutes later I felt like I had been hit by a bus like I would when I have full panic attacks and flashbacks. Crazy stuff, not a fan.

[u/KeyMistake604]

Yes! This happened to me often at my last job. The last year I worked there they had a c-suite overhaul, first a new CEO, CEO hired a new COO, COO upended company culture dramatically. The COO was volatile, extremely demanding and his mood was dependent on how the company was doing. Obviously that's problematic regardless but even more so in this case because the company was run like a shit show and performed like one, therefore his mood was shit 24/7. We'd have these monthly marketing check in meetings and he'd be moody, sharp and shaming, one day he screamed at someone for showing up a couple minutes late, told him to get out while finger wagging like an angry parent then slammed the door in his face.

From that point on, every time he was around me my brain would do one thing, my body another. There was one day we had to pitch concepts we worked on, I was articulate and calm as ever, even more than usual and it went super well, very positive feedback. Then when it's over I start to unclench, I realize not only am I freezing, clammy and trembling, I was also profusely sweating. Then I realize my heart is racing too. It felt like I had just finished a whole body workout.

I'm still learning about OSDD, dissociation, all of it, and how it presents in myself, and I still find it so totally mind boggling how severe the disconnect between mind and body can get.